101+ Ways to Get Rich Quick!... GUARANTEED!

1. Waffle Delivery & Repair
2. Nudes 'N Foods Franchise
3. The FOR SALE Bologna Brown-Eggs Quilts Crafts Cheese Flowers Pernnials franchise
4. The Town Crier Franchise
5. Be a Buccaneer Butcher!
6. Clean BJs & Weiners!
7. The Mr. Bagpipe Franchise
8. Start your own Church!
9. Old Barn Wood Furniture and Crafts
10. Peculiar Medical Clinic
11. Home Pasta Delivery
12. Become a Marketing Consultant!
13. Big Money in Midgets
14. Own a BetaMax Superstore!
15. Amish Country Signs Franchise
16. Make Luggage from Tape!
17. Start a Home Casino!
18. Turn Trash into Cash!
19. Unlock Windows of Opportunity
20. The ultimate booming business
21. Fungus "R" Us Toenail Fungal abatement
22. Mona Leasing Art Rental Franchise
23. Pseudodental Repair Franchise
24. Sell Dehydrated Water
25. Open an "As Seen in Motels" discount store
26. Open a Sundae Station franchise
27. Market "Afterlife Telegrams"
28. Win International Lotteries!
29. Assist Nigerian Millionaire Widows & Orphans
30. Sell your Immortal Soul!
31. Import Gourmet Minnesota Coconuts!
32. Sell Freeze Pops With REAL Shards O' Glass
33. Sell Trendy Male Lipstick
34. Start a Home Lasik Surgery Center
35. Start your own Pet Island!
36. Sell Child Confinement & Transport Products
37. Sell Peace of Mind
38. Sell immortality. That's right. IMMORTALITY!
39. Sell Doggy Eyewear!
40. Become a Lip Balm Addiction Counselor
41. Buy a Mooncake, Meatfloss & CuttleFish Franchise
42. Open a Simpson Alter Ego Rehabilitation Clinic
43. Sell Snake Penis Capsules Medicine
44. San Francisco Sausage Co. & Fudge Packery
45. Open a Squat 'n Gobble Restaurant!
46. DAPZY's! The Dangerous Animal Petting Zoo
47. The Big Green Mystical Ball
48. Become a Happy Hooker!
49. Open a Bette Davis BBQ Joint!
50. Open a Gun Store Tattoo Parlor
51. Sell HandJobs!
52. Sell FUELISH! Top Secret Gasoline Booster!
53. Sell Gently War-Torn Real Estate!
54. Flip No-Dinar-Down Properties!
55. Sell Frozen Meats. They're endangered!
56. Sell AutoErotic Asphyxia Accessories
57. Open a Christian Dollar Store!
58. Rent Negroes for Big $$$$$
59. Human Caviar: The Next Big Craze!
60. Buy/Sell Black Market Babies, Pandas & Tigers.
61. Provide Primate Temp Tech Workers.
62. Become a Memory Erasure Intake Counselor.
63. Help Parents Create Perfect Children.
64. Build Corpses for Fun & Profit.
65. Or Become a Corpse Reseller.
66. Open a Brain Transplant Clinic...
67. Become a Deep Discount Travel Agent!
68. Sell delicious "PISS" (It's imported!)
69. Become a Cheezus Freak!
70. Sell Republican Clothing
71. Sell Cute Lil Fetuses
72. EZ TOYZ = EZ CASH!!!
73. Be a Cavie Costumer!
74. No-Money Down Iraqi Real Estate
75. Friendly Fire Fast Funds Franchise!
76. Sell UFO Abduction Insurance!
77. Sell Cow Pie Clocks
78. Sell Penis Birds
79. Sell Penis Clowns
80. Become a Rectal Exam Trainer!
81. Start an Anti-Currency Movement!
82. Become a Contract Killer!
83. Sell Innovative Fruit Carriers
84. Sell Yarmulkebras!(TM)
85. Rent Your Chest!
86. Sell Vulva Puppets!
87. Sell Nipple Stifflers
88. Start an Ultimate Taxi Service!
89. Become an Etch-a-Sketch Artist!
90. Sue your employer!
91. Magic Money Matrix as seen on OPRAH!
92. Shit Creek Paddle Store Franchise
93. Start a Band called Sand Dollar
94. AdVerPets NewMedia Franchise
95. Automated Bovid Dispensers Franchise
96. Start a Bumvertising Agency
97. LOOK RICH QUICK! The Franchise
98. Learn Exotic Dancing at home!
99. Sell ANALRETTES Smoking Alternative
100. Sell Inflatable Commander-in-Chiefs
101. Sell Friendly Fire Ammo... Like Snuffy!
102. Sell Lunar Advertising!
103. Sell EnviroAd Product Placement
104. Sell DIY Drunk Tests!


Sign up for Get Rich Quick! the Newsletter and you'll Get Rich Quick! Guaranteed!

If you don't COMMENT, you don't COUNT.

Quiznos Sues Itself; Charges Irreparable Damage to Brand

[Pictured, Left, Quiznos Spokesman Bob at Press Conference]

DENVER In what legal analysts are calling unprecedented in the history of litigation, Quiznos Corporation has sued itself, claiming that it has done “irreparable harm to the Quiznos brand” and has “consistently failed to promote in such a manner as will not detract from or do damage to the reputation of Quiznos in the markeplace and the goodwill associated with the Quiznos name and trademarks.” The court filing included a request for an emergency injunction to prevent the Denver-based sandwich chain from “doing any more harm to itself and others.”
READ THE WHOLE STORY HERE

Quiznos Awarded FranWorst Franchise Hall of Shame Award!

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. is delighted to announce that the Quiznos franchise program has been named the first nominee for entrance to the FranWorst Franchise Hall of Shame Award!

While the competition was tough, Richard Quick Esq. announced that the bold, wonderfully ruthless termination of the franchise agreements of ten franchise owners (representing 17 stores) really put them in a class of their own.

The terminations were made in response to the leaking of the alleged suicide note of their fellow franchisee Bob Baber, who was distraught over the failure of his franchise and his ongoing litigation with Quiznos Corporation. The ten were board members of the Toasted Sub Franchise Association.

"The cold, uncaring nature of the franchise terminations in the wake of their comrade's death, and the corporation's total commitment to excellence in self-interest and wealth acquisition brought tears of admiration to my eyes," said Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. "They are an inspiration to the youth of America."

Read all about the amazing Quiznos at

The Franchise That’s Too Good to be True: Quiznos!

GET RICH QUICK: Mr. Body Parts Franchise

Mr. Body Parts is the country’s first and only home-based whole-body donation and dissemination franchise. As a franchisee, you'll make a difference. You'll be somebody. And while you barely finished high school, you will be in the business of saving lives--every time medical students practice techniques on the tissue samples you’ve sent over, you're saving lives. Every time an established veteran doctor practices on a limb or spine that you provided at a low everyday price with never an upcharge for same-day shipping, you're saving lives. And every time a veteran doctor practices a new surgical technique on a corpse instead of on a father of six, or even a supermodel, you're saving lives. You'll not only live the kind of lifestyle you've always dreamed of, you'll hold the key to life and death in your very hands. You'll be like God's right-hand-man... working right out of your garage, shed or spare bedroom.

Useless Men Praise Richard Quick, Esq.'s GET RICH QUICK!

I love being a source of inspiration to the salt of the earth, the little, useless people I see scurrying like ants below my skyscraper window, or from the window of my plane, or through the window of my Porsche as I tear through their neighborhoods. So I'm glad when I can leave some useless people tongue-tied and awed.

I am speaking, of course, of the bloggers at Useless Advice from Useless Men who paid tribute to yours truly with a long and incomprehensible (but endearing) blog entry today. They were addressing the question of which of my 101+ Ways to GET RICH QUICK! were best for the average, useless person.

I could only make out the meaning of some of the text, as it appears to be written in Canadian, and I didn't want to interrupt my Canuck interpreter, Olaf, as he was busy clubbing the baby seals for dinner. But what I made out was:

1) My net worth is more than everyone's that they know, or have ever come in contact with, combined.
2) They couldn't choose just one of the 101+ Ways to GET RICH QUICK! because they are all so brilliant and inspiring
3) Somebody put something in the one guy's taco, perhaps a hallucinogenic substance
4) The writer concluded: "I think the best way to get... Rich Quick, is by subscribing to your free newsletter"

I believe that last point was an excellent, excellent observation, even by non-Canadian standards. Wealthbuilding is a journey, and requires a continual investment of time and purchases. So sign up for the GET RICH QUICK! newsletter right now.

I think we've learned an important lesson from the Useless Men today, and that lesson is: No one is truly useless, for great fortunes are made by pooling the resources of the many for the benefit of the few, the great, the truly deserving.

Sell DIY Drunk Tests

[Illustration courtesy MoHDI]

Drunk Driving is a serious problem in our society, ruining countless lives and blah blah blah.

But how can you tell when you're too drunk to drive? Up until now, your only option was to swerve into the path of a police cruiser, grind to a sudden halt, then loudly request a Breathalizer test before you're gunned down... not a great option.

But now, thanks to the great minds at Millions of Hundred Dollar Ideas, problem drinkers and hardcore alcoholics alike can perform a self-test using Do-it-Yourself Drunk Test Flashcards. As the MoHDI engineers describe it:

...you have a deck of fifty-two cards, with a photo of a lady printed on the
face of them. These ladies range from being moderately attractive to very ugly.
You pull one of the cards, look at the woman on the card, and decide if you
think that she is attractive or not...

In other words: Would you? or Wouldn't you?

...Then you flip over the card, and see what it says. The reverse side of the card
has a number in a scale of its own printed on it, essentially in inverse
proportion to your own “One to Ten” scale. Thus, the moderately good-looking
lady would be a “one”, and the horribly-disfigured lady would be a “ten”. It
operates on the basis of beer goggles: the drunker you are, the lower your
threshold of standards of beauty becomes, so when you’re looking at a card and
you’re like,”That is one fiiiiine lookin’ lady! I wish she was sittin’ on this
here barstool right next to me!” and then you flip it over and it reads “Nine”,
you’ll be all like “Woah, I’m nine out of ten drunk! I should get the hell on
out of here!” There’ll be a series that depicts dudes as well, for those people
that prefer dudes over ladies.

As a DIY Drunk Test franchisee, you'll establish a "downline" distributor network that can include bartenders, liquor store clerks, AA members and dedicated drinkers. We're looking for ambitious individuals with years of drinking and cavorting experience in a variety of venues. DUIs a plus. Business experience is not necessary. Some non-maxxed credit cards and liver a must.

Useless Men to Celebrate Millionaire Richard Quick's 101 Ways to Get Rich Quick! list

I teach my wealth-building students that "The key to success is honesty. Once you can fake that, the rest is easy."

So few embrace this simple principle! It is the curse of a man of my standing to be surrounded by a sea of useless men spouting uninformed, useless advice to the moronic, undeserving, useless masses.

So what a breath of fresh air to come across admittedly useless men spewing admittedly useless advice! I speak, of course, of the Useless Men at Useless Advice From Useless Men.

Nay... more than admit uselessness, these useless men celebrate their uselessness. They parade their lack of utility as a badge of honor! And so they should. Martin Luther King, a man for whom many streets (filled with many useless men) are named and a credit to his normally useless kind, said:

If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as
Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry.
He should sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will pause
to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well.

And verily I say unto you, in the words of Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.:

If a man is called to be useless, he should be useless even as
J.P. Morgan connived, or Rockefeller bullied, or Gecko liquidated.
He should be so useless - and the advice that he so freely spews forth should be so useless - that all the host of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a man with no usefulness at all, with no useful advice to share, who did his job well.

And soon these Useless Men will provide Useless Advice regarding which of my 101 Ways to Get Rich Quick! will get the average person 1) Richest, 2) Quickest, and 3) Rich Quickest.

How nice it will be to be able to entertain the heavy traffic of useless visitors that will stream forth from their useless site without having to go through the pretense that their advice, or their very existence, is useful in the least.

Go, gentle visitor, seeker of the trivial and useless. Go and visit Useless Advice From Useless Men. Ask them useless questions, and embrace their useless guidance. And shoot me an email when they post their advice regarding my 101 Ways to Get Rich Quick!

Not that it matters to me.

Americans love their pets more than they love each other!

[Photo Credit: MoHDI]

Americans love their pets!

Did you know that 63% of all households have at least one pet? That's 69.1 million homes! And 43% have more than one pet!

43.5 million households have a doggy or two, followed by 37.7 million families with cats!

Americans spend BIG on their pets

For 2006, it estimated that Americans will spend $38.4 billion on Woofy and Tinkerbell! They'll spend $15.2 billion on food, $9.4 billion on Vet Care, $9.3 billion on supplies/OTC medicine, $1.8 billion on live animal purchases, and $2.7 billion on Grooming & Boarding.

Americans love their pets more than they love other Americans!
To truly understand the magnitude of the American love affair with Max, Sam, Lady, Bear & Smoky**, consider that 37 million Americans live in poverty. Americans could use the money they spend yearly on pets to transform every poor person in America into a multimillionaire*, but they choose, instead, to spend it on Shadow, Kitty, Molly, Buddy & Brandy***, which is cool with me. I'm as indifferent to the poor as the next guy (you). I'm just saying that some people might say that that money would be better spent on distributing Get Rich Quick! 99 Businesses you can start from the Hood DVD and audio programs to the poor, plus have one hell of a Korean BBQ (with Ginger, Baby, Misty, Missy, & Pepper**** as the guests of honor) that would unify us as a nation, and heal this rumored economic divide.

However, I do believe we have an obligation to use our vast Pet resources to help one beleaguered and neglected group that needs our help: The American Advertiser.

An Opportunity to Do (VERY) Well While Doing Good!
The American Advertiser has been trampled by TIVO, ravaged by the Remote and played for a chump by those who consciously ignore their product placements in tv shows and movies. They've done so much for you... now you can answer their cry for help AND get filthy rich in the process! That's right! You can build the moneymaking empire you've always dreamed of by seizing the untapped advertising potential of America's pet population, and meeting the demands of the American Advertiser.

Introducing the AdverPets Franchise Program!
QuickCo Enterprises' EnviroAd Division is pleased to announce the first joint venture franchise opportunity with its IdeaPartner MoHDI (Millions of Hundred Dollar Ideas)****: ADVERPETS.

Yes, the AdverPets franchise is your opportunity to join the glamorous gazillion-dollar advertising industry by matching up cash-rich advertisers with your own mammalian media network. Don't have business experience? Life experience? A clue? Don't worry! As long as you meet our EZ Qualification criteria, we'll provide the rest!

AdverPets. Selected by FranWorst.com as a top franchise to "keep an eye on" for 2007!

EXPRESS YOUR INTEREST BY LEAVING A COMMENT HERE

Pet statistics courtesy APPMA.
Poor People statistics from Wikipedia.
* By investing $1000 per year, per poor person, in Millionaire Richard Quick's GET RICH QUICK! Wealth Building and Millionaire Mindset programs each would become a multi-millionaire... Guaranteed!
**The five most popular pet names
***The next five most popular pet names
****The next five most popular pet names
*****Pending notification and approval of MoHDI. This post in no way infers an endorsement, collusion or even awareness by MoHDI, which appears to be an actual and legitimate enterprise and therefore has little in common with QuickCo.

GET RICH QUICK: Start a Band called Sand Dollar

Here's an idea I stole from the talented entrepreneurs over at Millions of Hundred Dollar Ideas who stole it from the window of Beulahland in Portland.

Start a band called Sand Dollar or Sand Dollars. Acheive both artistic and popular acclaim, then call me right before signing with a major record label. I'll represent you in all your business dealings for a modest percentage, and make sure you end up on VH1's "Behind the Music" with the same success story retold by countless big stars, from Billy Joel to the Turtles. And I'll put aside a few hundred to send to Millions of Hundred Dollar Ideas and the original poster-maker.

Why such generosity? Hey, that's good karma... and that's how I roll...

See you on the veranda... RQ

Richard Quick Saves KFC! Puts Ad on the Moon!

I could brag about once again saving a major, multi-national corporation from disaster.

I could point out that I have just made history by turning the Moon into the largest, most effective advertising medium the world has ever known.

But those who know me know that Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. is not one to toot his own horn. I'm too modest for that.

So I'll let this post on the internationally acclaimed news site FRANWORST tell the whole complimentary story.

READ THE STORY HERE.

A sentimental moment from the George Bush family photo library

You know it's all the fashion now to bash our great leader, George W. Bush, just because there have been a few bumps in the road toward our inevitable victory in Iraq. Now you know I'm not a sentimental guy, but I think the left wing bleeding heart cut and runners should do well to remember that our Commander in Chief is a person too, he has feelings, and a Mother and Father. So back off.

He also has a history and a family connection with the lovely country of Iraq, as evidenced by this family vacation photo sent to me by Abe PixWit (A Bush family friend?). On the back of the photo is a handwritten note: "W: Be prudent and stay out of the deep doo-doo! Pops."

Be sure to visit PIXWIT.COM for other tender Bush family memories.

QuickCo Employees must boost my Technorati rating or face dismissal

NOTICE TO ALL QUICKCO EMPLOYEES & FAMILY MEMBERS
This is my blog. Despite the fact that I have an entire interactive division at my disposal, I built GET RICH QUICK! with my own two fingers. I built it to help people achieve the same kind of prosperity that I have managed to achieve. I make others successful. I enhance lives, such as the way I enhance your live every two weeks when you get your paycheck even if you've been slacking and cruising porn sites for half your working hours (Jerry).

So if you disrespect GET RICH QUICK! you disrespect me. And if you disrespect ME, you disrespect the company that is paying you the paycheck that you have no right to be taking. If you disprespect your company, you are taking bread from the mouths of the children of your co-workers and deserve to be dealt with in ways I don't even want to know about, for legal reasons.

The point is, my Technorati rating is a dismal 180,182.

If this rating doesn't start improving, heads are going to roll. So I advise each and every one of you to click on the link below and choose this site as one of your favorites. If you have a blog, create an inbound link to me. I don't know how else you build these ratings, but figure it out and do it, or so help me god you'll be applying for a Bumvertising job within weeks. And don't even think about Unemployment Compensation, that welfare for lazy commie slackers. We've never had to pay a claim yet, and never will.

Conversely, show evidence that you're helping my ratings and you will be duly rewarded. Add a comment, and you shall be blessed.





Technorati Profile

NEW! Friendly Fire Ammo!

Snuffy Sez: DON'T GET CAUGHT! GET FRIENDLY FIRE™ BRAND AMMO!

There’s nothing like a good war to make the American heart swell with pride, to fatten the bank accounts of patriotic corporations, to make heroes out of expendable teens and to liberate strange, brown people from the burden of living. But unfortunately, war is not all flag-waving and no-bid contracts. Occasionally, bad things happen. Sometimes our brave Americans fire on their own troops (oops!), which results in embarrassment, hurt feelings, costly medical care, bad press and occasional court martial proceedings. And that’s bad for everyone!

But now, thanks to the QuickCo/PixWit partnership, there’s a better way, a kinder, gentler way to kill our own… with Friendly Fire Ammo! Why Friendly Fire?

Snuffy sez: It’s Effective! Friendly Fire™ Ammo is made with patented SmartSnuff™ Technology. Once it enters a soldier’s or civilian’s body, it moves through muscle, bone and soft tissue until it locates and pierces at least two vital organs. No need for costly, painful VA hospital stays. No confusing court testimony. That’s good for taxpayers… and America!

Snuffy sez: It’s Painless! Quick Research Group and several government agencies conducted extensive testing on human and animal subjects in countries around the world while developing Friendly Fire™ Ammo. We fine-tuned it until it was 100% pain-free! It was an expensive process, but we think our boys are worth it!

Snuffy sez: Accidents Happen! Everybody makes mistakes. That’s why pencils have erasers! And that’s why the toll-free number to the Friendly Fire hotline is imprinted on every shell. As soon as you’ve killed a comrade or committed an atrocity, dial 1-800-FRIENDLY and notify your service representative. Using our patented Friend-Lie™ Plausible Denial software, you’ll have a bulletproof scenario messaged to your cell phone, PDA or iPOD in minutes!

Snuffy sez: Everybody Wins with Friendly Fire! Friendly Fire is good for families, who can celebrate their loss with a medal and hero’s funeral. It’s good for the American people, who get confused by such scenarios. It’s good for the war effort. And it’s good for the little brown people who are dying to be liberated. And, above all, it’s good for our shareholders.

Friendly Fire™ Ammo.
IRAQ Tested. Pentagon Approved.

Stock Symbol FREND. Stock Offering by Prospectus Only. QuickCo/PIXWIT Industries. Snuffy and the Friendly Fire graphic are creations of PIXWIT Studios.

GET RICH QUICK: War Heroes are a Booming Business!

[Click on graphic for larger image. Or vice versa.]
Even the bleeding heart liberals can't dispute this fact: Under the current administration, production output of American war heroes is booming! And, thanks to PixWit, in cooperation with Pentagon Licensing, White House Properties, and Richard Quick, Esq., every American mourner can swell with pride as the Commander in Chief gives their beloved hero a personal sendoff.

If you're looking for a business opportunity bursting with potential, the Inflatable Commander-in-Chief Rent to Buy program is the kind of inflation you'll love! It's a chance for you to honor our brave troops while making an outrageous profit on every job... just like Halliburton! You'll be able to console loved ones at their most vulnerable, offer high-margin set-up and rental, and even offer a purchase option to parents of multiple patriotic offspring. It's red, white and blue for them and GREEN for you... wealth-building the American way!

GET RICH QUICK: A Smoking Opportunity!

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. is proud to announce a new partnership in which his famed entrepreneurial QuickCo Corp. will assist innovative digital concept and master incubator PIXWIT in transforming it's cutting edge concepts into moneymaking business opportunities that will help individuals with no special talents, experience or intelligence - individuals just like you - Get Rich Quick!

The results of our first joint launch: The Analrettes Home Party opportunity! Why should Big Tobacco have all the fun? Now you can too... and Get Rich Quick in the process!

No sniffs, ands or butts about it, Analrettes are one shit-hot opportunity.

There are over 46 Million smokers in the U.S. That's one out of every four adults, and two out of every four children. Most of them have tried to quit... but we all know what a pain in the ass that can be.

Now, thanks to the advances in microturboprop technology, smokers can get the nicotine they love while bypassing those pesky, cancerous lungs completely... with Analrettes! The PixWit applied one of Richard Quick's basic theories of success: when in doubt, use the back door.

Helping people switch from cancerous lungs to smoking bungs can be the business opportunity you've been looking for! Get off your butt and become an Analrettes Home Party hostess today... and Get Rich Quick!

[graphic & concept by PIXWIT, the undisputed leader in anal microturboprop technology]

Floyd Landis Hires Quick Public Relations Group

Lancaster, PA - FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

P.R. guru rescues embattled cyclist; Solicits input from cycling community.
Embattled American cycling legend and 2006 Tour De France Winner Floyd Landis has retained Quick Public Relations Group as his image management and crisis management agency of record. Quick Public Relations Group, home of the QuickSpin™ Publicity Management System, is owned by public relations wizard and self-made billionaire Richard Quick, Esq., who will personally oversee the account.

Said Landis: "I am grateful that Mr. Quick, Esq. accepted me as a client. I feel that an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. He has opened my eyes to the many creative options available for my future. I apologized profusely to Mr. Quick for not having hired QPRG earlier, and, in addition to grovelling, have offered to teach his future children how to ride bikes, if and when he has them, and I have promised to name my bicycle The Spirit of Richard Quick, Esq.. Please direct all future media inquiries to my new spokeman, Richard Quick, Esq."

Billionaire pitchman Quick, who hails from the same PA Dutch area as Landis, made his first million at age 12 trading whoopie pie futures on the options exchange. How he built an empire with investment ventures as diverse as Internet Lotteries, male enhancement products, gently war-torn real estate and Get Rich Quick! schemes is the stuff of legend. Many industry experts credit "R.Q." with the popularization of "Spam" as a legitimate direct-sales technique. He has nurtured and mentored many legendary marketers, from Don Lapre to Benny Hinn to Karl Rove.

Quick Solicits Cycling Community Input
Despite his considerable success in every endeavor, Richard Quick, Esq. remained humble, stating: "I do not have all the answers, but I do know this: Floyd Landis is a true American hero at a time when we need true American heroes. I am going to reach out to the American cycling community for input and support to learn what they think is the best course of action for Floyd Landis. There is a great amount at stake here. We are not just fighting for one man's reputation. We are fighting for Cycling. We are fighting for Goodness. Truth. And Democracy. We are fighting, in no uncertain terms, for the very soul of America."

CAST YOUR VOTE WITH YOUR COMMENT
Richard Quick, Esq. then asked American bicycling enthusiasts to share their votes by leaving comments on his Get Rich Quick! blog as to whether Floyd should 1) Admit Guilt regardless of guilt or innocence, 2) Claim he was framed by Al-Qaida, and call for the immediate bombing of the French cycling team, 3)Attend Fawnia's Exotic Dance School
, or 4) some other suggestion.

Richard Quick, Esq. closed by thanking PixWit for his fine graphic contribution to the campaign, and for supporting America with his world-class Art Gallery. "If we inadvertently bomb the Louvre," quipped Quick, "We'll still have Pixwit.com."

What's Floyd Landis' Next Move?

LEAVE A COMMENT. Win a Psychic Reading.
Richard Quick, Esq. wants YOUR opinion on Floyd Landis' next best move.
Should Floyd Landis:
1) Admit Guilt regardless of guilt or innocence?
2) Claim he was framed by Al-Qaida, and call for the immediate bombing of the French cycling team?
3) Attend Fawnia's Exotic Dance School?
or
4) do something else?

To claim your FREE PSYCHIC READING from world renowned affiliate psychic Sara "I knew you were going to do that!" Freder, simply scroll down the sidebar to the right, clicking on the many surefire, moneymaking opportunities along the way, until you see the subtle flashing banner reading "Free Psychic Reading." Click on the banner... if you dare!

Get filthy stinking rich like me!

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Free Special Report: __ Attack of the Farking Losers (A Sequel)
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____________________ Immigration Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

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Trust, Verify, & Get a Free Psychic Reading!

Check out Trust but Verify's coverage of the Floyd Landis controversy. Although TBV has not come out and said as much, I will assume he's in complete agreement with my position and in admiration of my insight. And since he linked to me and responded to my blatant traffic-whoring with grace and aplomb, I shall reciprocate manyfold to Trust but verify, as is my way. That blog again: Trust but Verify.

TBV also had a fine moneymaking suggestion: Start a religion! In truth, I have started several including Morrism, and the Interfaith church of New Utopia, but TBV has a fine suggestion to get important tips from the best practices of The Church of Scientology. TBV suggests visiting the expose site Operation Clambake as sort of a how-to primer for raking in the dough from... the Masters.

For this excellent tip, TBV is entitled to a FREE PSYCHIC READING from Miss Sara Freeder. Ok, Ok, you can have one too! Just click on the flashing banner ad down on the right. It's the one flashing the words FREE PSYCHIC READING.

An Open letter to Floyd Landis PART TWO (or, What Would Rich Quick Do?)

[For image & t-shirt info, scroll to bottom of post]
Dear Floyd (cont.):

By now you are asking yourself: WWMRQED*?

The solution is simple: ADMIT YOUR GUILT.

Repeat after me: I did it. I, Floyd Landis, am guilty.

But Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.! you exclaim. I'm innocent!

Floyd, baby, I could care less. Innocence, guilt... it's irrelevant. What counts, son, is the STORY. So follow along with me here, and try to pay attention. Here, take one of these if you're getting drowsy.

No one except your mother (and she has her doubts) will ever believe you 100%. You will always be tainted goods unless you confess. after your suspension, you’ll be relegated to morally indifferent or low budget sponsors (How does Team Wild Bill’s Beef Jerky sound to you?)

So confess. Get everyone on the same page. During Year One you will tour the country and speak to school groups about staying off drugs, about playing fair, about always wearing a helmet while riding and the importance of eating vegetables. You will come out with a book in which you claim that getting caught was the best thing that ever happened because you had become so obsessed with winning that you had lost yourself, your soul and your faith in the process. Oprah will publish it and make you a regular guest. You’ll do interviews on Good Morning America, the 700 Club, and you’ll be the self-deprecating guest-host of Saturday Night Live. You will credit God and family and America for giving you a second chance.

In your book you will admit that you started experimenting with performance enhancement when you were a boy in Lancaster County. You remember an Amish dealer feeding you performance-enhancing whoopie pies that enabled you to bring his crops in three months early AND make 125 shoofly pies in a single weekend. Your addiction escalated from there.

Year Two you will train by bicycling in your home state of Pennsylvania, where Governor Ed Rendell will change the state slogan to read: “Pennsylvania. Now Steroid-Free!” The Pennsylvania Dutch Visitor & Convention Bureau will blow their entire year’s ad budget to become a sponsor. Sponsors will line up to be part of your historic drug-free comeback. We’ll run an ad campaign in which you promise the only performance enhancing substances in your system are Lancaster County Shoo-Fly Pie, Wheaties, Gatorade, NutriGrain bars and [insert more big dollar sponsor names here].

Your Tour De France comeback win will be glorious, meaningful and the most lucrative in history. You will be the most visible and sought-after company spokesman ever, a born-again health advocate and spokesperson for the cause of good old-fashioned Honesty. Your books will outsell Dr. Phil’s. Your story miraculous comeback will make Lance Armstrong's story yesterday's news... and you won't even have to lose a single testicle in the process.

Years from now, when ready to retire from cycling, you will release your memoirs in which you admit that the whole thing was a hoax, that you never used steroids or performance-enhancing drugs at all, but that no one would believe you. Your memoirs will be the best-selling book of all time and you will be on talk show after talk show, telling how you lied to tell the truth, how you sacrificed your good name to spread a positive message. The media won’t be too hard on you for your deception because, after all, the plan was there in plain sight from the beginning, published as “An Open Letter to Floyd Landis from Millionaire Richard Quick,” but no one had bothered to pay attention.

So call me, Floyd, and we’ll get the wheels turning on your amazing comeback! Of course, there will be some contractual obligations that you must make to me and some of my QuickCo Companies, but you can trust me that I am looking out for your best interest.

See you on the veranda!,


Richard Quick, Esq.
Chairman & CEO
Quick Public Relations Group,
Home of the QuickSpin™ Publicity Management System


*What Would Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. Do?

Image of Floyd Landis above is courtesy of the Floyd Landis is the Man blog, where you'll find other cool Floyd Landis images that are available as T-shirts at the Floyd Landis is the Man Cafe Press site. Any and ALL proceeds from t-shirt sales will be donated to the Floyd Landis Foundation - Supporting Osteoarthritis Research and Treatment. Don't ask me why they give away their hard-earned t-shirt money... maybe they need the write-off. Not something Richard Quick would do!

An Open Letter TO Floyd Landis, PART ONE

Dear Mr. Landis:
I am dismayed with the dismal performance of your publicity and/or crisis management team, and the fiasco that has ensued following the release of your test results. They obviously failed to have a crisis response plan in place, and their handling of your positive testosterone test results is a shameful. Had you retained Quick Public Relations Group, home of the QuickSpin™ Publicity Management System, rather than some latte-drinking California publicist, we would have nipped this in the bud with a QuickSpin™ solution:

BLAME IT ON TERRORISTS.

That’s right, the “W. Gambit”: Blame it on terrorists.

You should have immediately pointed out that there thousands of hateful individuals in this world whose ambition in life is to discredit America in the world press. Do you think these America-haters will sit idly by while a Pennsylvania farm boy waves the American flag on television broadcasts and magazine covers across the globe? Testosterone cream could have been transmitted through a handshake, a water bottle, a misting of your bicycle seat. If you were my client, you would have looked directly into the camera and said:
“I want to make it clear that I am NOT saying that this ‘dosing’ was necessarily Al Qaida operatives being assisted by the French and/or illegal aliens. It could have been any one of dozens of groups. But whomever it was, America, let’s not give them what they want. Let’s not concede to the wishes of terrorists. Let’s not let them win.”

I would have written you a poem, which we would have turned into a country song. It would be called “Tour de America” and we’d have it sung by Kenny Chesney or Willie Nelson and you’d be raking in royalties right now. In fact, I did write you a poem:

“Tour de America” by Millionaire Richard Quick.

Instead of skulking around, whining about your innocence, right now you’d be meeting with the President, Cheney, Rumsfeld, and I, discussing air strikes against French racing teams. That’s the power of the Quick Public Relations Group QuickSpin™ Publicity Management System.

But there’s an even better solution to your problem, one that will make you HAPPY that this misfortune befell you. As you’ll learn, no one can find the “fortune” in misfortune like Richard Quick! But Floyd, you’ll have to wait for OPEN LETTER PART TWO for the most brilliant solution you’ve ever heard.

Get your checkbook out, Mr. Floyd.

See you on the veranda!

Millionaire Richard Quick Esq.
Founder and SpinMaster
Quick Public Relations Group,
Home of the QuickSpin™ Publicity Management System

GET RICH QUICK: Become an Exotic Dancer!

Ladies:
Just because you're not exactly a rocket surgeon doesn't mean you can't be a millionaire. You can be! You just need to believe in yourself, and be 100% committed to finding, and exposing, your hidden assets. That's all it takes... that and a diploma from Fawnia's Exotic Dance School & Pole Studio!

Don't have time to earn a four-year degree in lap dancing! No problem. Fawnia's Exotic Dance School takes place right in your own VCR or DVD player. Can't afford to buy the whole "course." No worries: Your husband or boyfriend will buy it for you!*

[Click on the LEARN EXOTIC DANCING banner to visit Fawnia's Exotic Dance School]

Many millionaires got their starts as exotic dancers, escorts and/or call girls: Leona Helmsly, Gwen Hammond, Martha Stewart, Dr. Ruth... The list is endless. Believe me, I have put a few into the upper income bracket all by myself.

Pole dancing is great for:

• Bachelorette Parties
• Birthdays
• Spa Getaways
• Wedding gift, perfect for second marriages.
• Getting over your Ex.
• Winning back your Ex from that trailer trash hooker
• New Mom’s, feel sexy as you get back into shape!
• Or, JUST FOR FUN!

Gentlemen: Buy your spouse or girlfriend the Exotic Dance School DVD series (Heck, buy a set for each) and show her that you believe in her, that she is beautiful and has tremendous earning potential. She'll thank you for it... and so will your buddies.

*Don't have a husband or boyfriend? Exotic Dancing just might not be the right career for you. Scroll down to view Richard Quick's 101 Ways to Get Rich Quick! There are many choices that do not require face-to-face interaction with the public.

Should the U.S. Invade France? Vote here.

Should the U.S. Invade France? Vote here by leaving a comment. "Yes" "Immediately" and "Nuke'm" and "Do it for Tour de France winner Floyd Landis!" are all acceptable entries. By now it's clear that the French aided and abetted the Al-Qaida terrorist plot to discredit and embarrass Tour De France winner Floyd Landis, and in discrediting Tour de France winner Floyd Landis, to embarrass and disgrace all Americans, and all fans of Tour De France winner Floyd Landis. So let's send a message to terrorists around the world that when you mess with an american, you mess with America. And when you mess with America, we'll mess you up. We're hitting the French... hard. We're taking their race. We're taking their wine. We're shaving and taking their women. And they better all be speaking English by the time we return.

READ RICHARD QUICK'S EPIC POEM "TOUR DE AMERICA: A TRIBUTE TO FLOYD LANDIS."

Keywords: Floyd Landis, Lloyd Flandis, Tour de Frandis, Tour de France, Tour de Farce, Landis, Floyd, "Floyd Landis, P.I." Testosterone, Performance enhancing, Steroids, moron liberals, "Landis. Floyd Landis." Floyd Clamdip, Ployed Lambits, Floyd Landis, Floyd Landis, The Terrorists Planned this! Soy Lambisque.

"Tour de America" A Tribute to Patriot Floyd Landis

by Richard Quick, Esq.

America, stand by your hero, Floyd Landis!
For Al-Qaida terrorists surely did plan this.
To disgrace the U.S., they sent their best henchmen,
Assisted by tight-shorted weasily Frenchmen.

The Al-Qaida bike team's the worst in the land.
They ride in full robes & get stuck in the sand.
America's dominance had them annoyed.
They plotted attacks on our pretty boy, Floyd.

Testosterone pollen they sprayed on his flowers.
Creme Rinse with Steroids! they put in his shower.
His bike seat infected his buttocks & thighs
With terrorist skin cream, covertly applied.


Hornswaggled, bamboozled, both set-up & framed.
Flim-flammed, lambasted & Valerie-Plamed.
Osama's delighted with his little scam
But thanks to our intel, we're on to his plan!

It's time we defended our tracks, field & courts
From terrorist scandals that threaten our sports.
Covert operations from terrorist foes
Claimed Bonds, Janet Jackson, & even Pete Rose.

Let's blow up the French team, both riders & bikes!
Hit smart-ass dope testers with surgical strikes!
Bin Laden we'll ride off a cliff in the Alps
And festoon our bikes with fresh Al-Qaida scalps!

Let's invade some country, drop bombs 'til they're free!
Put yellow shirt decals on our SUVs!
The Cycle of Violence is ours to win
(Sponsored by FOX Sports, by NIKE & Schwinn).

The French stole our victory to anger and vex us
So let's seize their bike race & move it to Texas
Yes, Tour de America has a nice ring!
Three cheers for Floyd Landis! Of Landis we sing!


© 2006 Richard Quick, Esq.. Used by permission. You may link to this poem (http://richardquick.blogspot.com/2006/08/tour-de-america-tribute-to-patriot.html), but not reproduce it. Image is used by permission, and is licensed under the Creative Commons.

GET RICH QUICK: Selling Look Rich Quick! Graphics

Now you can get rich by helping others look rich, knowing they'll never be rich because they spend their time and energy trying to look rich unlike you who will get rich because you spend your time and energy becoming rich by aggregating the money of those who are trying to look rich and, in so doing, will both be AND look rich... Selling Look Rich Quick! Garage Graphics!

GET RICH QUICK: Start a Bumvertising Agency

Now you can get paid for sitting on your bum... as owner of your own BumVertising Agency!

From www.bumvertising.com:

Bumvertising™, or the use of sign holding vagrants to advertise, is a
development of PokerFaceBook.com's most recent advertising
campaign. Homeless men are able to provide a valuable and tangible service to a
company, while receiving an additional revenue stream in combination with their
normal donations from begging.

Benjamin Rogovy, president and chief economist of Front Door
Enterprises, developed this system after realizing the enormous potential in
wasted homeless labor. Bums use a business model that takes advantage of high
volume traffic, with the expectation that, on average, a certain number of
people will donate to them in the form of cash, clothing, or food.

Why advertise when you can BUMvertise?

GET RICH QUICK: Automated Bovid Dispensers Franchise

You can take control of your future and get in on the hottest new trend... as an Automated Bovid Dispenser franchise owner!

Our state-of-the-art ABD dispensories eliminate the problems that plagued mechanized bovid retailers for years. No more gnawing from the inside out. No more annoying goat sounds or sour-milk smell. And with our top-of-the-line RuminantPlus model*, you can stock and dispense Ibex, East or West Caucasian Tur, Markhor, Wild Goat, or any of other species of genus Capra.

Now you can meet the need for fresh Capra aegagrus hircus with on-site automatic convenience... with the franchise that works for you 24/7! Start building your future as an Automated Bovid Dispenser franchise owner today!

*Master Cud Adapter Module Available, but sold separately.
The cloven hoof and dynamic pentagram device are registered service marks of QuickCo Corp. Unauthorized use is prohibited by law.

An Interview with Bloggasm's Simon Owens

RQ: What do you admire most about Richard Quick, Esq.? Is it his wealth? Good looks? Power? Positive outlook? Animal magnetism? Willingness to give back to the Great Unwashed? Technical blogging prowess?

Simon Owens: I think it's the fact that your last name is Quick. How convenient is that, that the person who would go on to write a Get Rich Quick blog would actually be named Quick? It's like the gods wanted you to be rich.

RQ: If you could have but one of my personal traits, which would it be, and why?

Simon Owens: Your affinity for being the most unshameful traffic whore I've ever met. This one time, I thought about robbing a bank and then posting about it on my blog, just so a bunch of people would link to it right before I got arrested, but I chickened out at the last minute. You, on the other hand, probably would have gone through with it?

RQ: I did, actually. Then I remembered I owned the bank. Why not buy a police scanner, wait until someone else robs a bank, then post it on your blog as if you did it. By the time they realize it's not you, you'll have whored their traffic. Their outrage will prompt a second wave of whored traffic. That's the Traffic Whore Mindset (TWM) at work. Question: which of your limbs or vital organs would you give up to possess my prowess as the most unshameful traffic whore?

Simon Owens: I have this really bad callous on one of my big toe. Could that count?

RQ: Depends. How big is it? Next question: which of my Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.'s 101 Ways to Get Rich Quick! are you planning to follow to Get Rich Quick!? (or Get Rich Slow! or Get Rich At a Moderately Vigorous Pace!)

Simon Owens: 101 ways? Dude, I thought I was supposed to get rich quick. If I have to read all 101 ways, then that doesn't seem very quick. You should shorten that list down to 10, or maybe even 1. Then it'll be truly quick.

RQ: The correct answer was #93. You're losing the TWM. Question: If I gave you a million dollars to donate to one of my non-profit shells, which would you choose? Please explain.

A. National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People
B. Traffic Whores Anonymous (TWA)
C. GnomeWatch International. Save the Foie Gras!
E. HAPPINISTA Movement Exposed!

Simon Owens: Definitely Traffic whores anonymous, and then I'd issue a press release saying that Simon of Bloggasm donated that million dollars in the hope that other places would link to my blog, making me the ultimate traffic whore.

RQ: Bravo! NOW you're getting the millionaire AND traffic whore mindset!

I'd love to keep chatting with you Simon, but I've got a couple of naked supermodels waiting for me in the hot tub. I'd invite you to join, but no. Last question: Who's the worst landlord you've ever had?

Simon Owens: Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA

RQ: Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA ?

Simon Owens: Definitely. Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA.

That concludes this installment of Interviews with Richard Quick, Esq. Special thanks to Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA for use of the kitchen table, unfair and scurrilous business practices and for serving as today's inspiration to college-town wannabe millionaire slumlords everywhere. See you all on the veranda! RQ

GET RICH QUICK: The Paddle Store Franchise

When we started out, we were charging people to ferry them up Shit Creek. Then we realized we could double our profits by helping them up Shit Creek for free, then charging them twice as much for a paddle. If you're looking for a franchise with a huge potential market and a high-demand product, this is the franchise opportunity you've been searching for. As the saying goes, your shit has come in.

Richard Quick, Esq. is in Love!

Ever since the tragic loss of my young bride at sea, Ms. Blessing Paul, just moments after our wedding vows and transfer of her family fortune into my offshore account, it has been hard for me to even consider another woman for any purpose other than my own sexual gratification. They say that once you fall, you've got to mount another horse as soon as possible. And while mounting has not been a problem, nor has riding, I have not even considered anything more "stable" in the two months since I became a millionaire widower.

But all that has changed, as I am obsessed with a new love. She is curvy, fiery, and swears like a trucker being kicked by a drunken sailor. She breathes fire, speaks with forked tongue, and can skewer a blogger six ways 'til Sunday. Since she's still married, I can't mention her name, so I'll just call her Ms. Chatty from I Talk too Much I know it'll make Bitter Bitch jealous, but so what? She's already bitter. And a bitch. She had her chance.

Ms. Chatty's gonna be tough to land, but she'll take her place beside me on the veranda soon. Just you wait.

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. Interviewed on Bloggasm.Com

Be sure to check out the interview with America's most beloved Billionaire Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. on Bloggasm.Com.

You've got to hand it to Simon Owens of the site Bloggasm.com. He not only had the foresight to register a great domain name, but he's slick enough to boost his content with this interview format. I'd imagine that those vainer than I would each post their own link or twenty to the fact that they've been interviewed by anyone, anywhere. So at least interviewees' moms are providing steady traffic.

In addition to my interview (by far the best he's ever done), he had three other blog entries the same day. This earns him a nomination to TWA.

Join Traffic Whores Anonymous (TWA)!

Post a comment with your blog address and a short description of your site. All that's required for acceptance is a desire to be a better Traffic Whore. We are a non-profit group with the common goal of Whoring Traffic One Blog at a Time.

You are among fellow Traffic Whores, here. The rules are different. Self-nomination is something to be proud of. We all admit that we are powerless over obscurity, and we look to a Higher Power (Traffic) to deliver us.

TWA Members:

1. Gwen Hammond's Upper Echelon (Nominated by Richard Quick)
2. The Soda Stand (Nominated by Richard Quick)
3. Get Rich Quick! (Nominated by Richard Quick)
4. You. Send me your Web Link and how you hoor traffic and I might give you some.
5. Bloggasm (Nominated by Richard Quick)
6. I Talk 2 Much (Nominated by Richard Quick)



Member Notes:

1. This Gwen Hammond is a divine inspiration, the Queen of Traffic Whores. There's nothing this woman won't do for traffic. And I mean nothing. [Note: yes, Gwen was originally in the #3 spot but she threw a fit. She is a high maintenance diva, but that's the way with pure breds. And I did tell her she'd always be my #1 hoor.
2. This is the woman who inspired TWA. I found her blog through a Google Blog search for "Traffic Whore" and was moved by her words: "I like traffic to my blog. I could be considered a traffic whore. The more traffic, the happier I am."
3. The original Traffic Whore. When I was at my worst, there was nothing I wouldn't do to get traffic. When I was at my best, I got it. And since you're here, it must be working.
4. If you've got a blog, yoor a hoor. You're just not good at it, or your URL would be posted here. put your weblink in the comments & tell us how you hoor traffic. I may grant you some.
5. Simon Owens gets a nomination for his 5-question interview that builds quick easy content & links.
6. At I Talk 2 Much, blogger morons volunteer to be told they are douchebags and that no one cares about their ugly ass kids, their ugly ass pets, their ugly ass husbands, their ugly ass lives or their ugly asses. I also nominate them because I'm hopelessly in love with the sweet, demure and curvaceous Ms. Chatty.

TRAFFIC WHORES UNITE!

I am just like you, only I'm rich. Filthy rich.

If you were as rich as I am, you'd no longer have to kiss ass unless you chose to. You'd tend to be pretty blunt at times. And honest. And since everyone in American society (especially the slackers who pretend they're against materialism because they're too lazy or stupid to get some material) believes rich people are better than everyone else, and everyone would laugh at your jokes (however lame) and applaud your ideas (however inane), you'd find it easy to get pretty arrogant and sarcastic.

So if you had my money, odds are you'd be as arrogant, blunt & honest as I am, and no one would like you, either. But you wouldn't give a shit.

But here's a secret, straight from the Millionaire: You don't have to wait until you're rich to be honest. Or blunt. Or arrogant. Of course, you can't be those things in public, or on the job, but you can here in the blogosphere.

Start with Honesty. Most Bloggers are worried that people are going to label them Traffic Whores, those lowlife outsiders that post on blogs and bulletin boards in the attempt to draw traffic back to their own little blogs (most of which are just as conformist, pathetic, & boring as they are.) Some try outrageous stunts or take ridiculous positions to provoke controversy. The blog community acts offended and lashes out sarcastically, or with a "just ignore them" policy... unless it works and then they laud the effort while privately seething with Envy.

Because here's the truth: Every blogger is a closet Traffic Whore (TW), unless they are a Freaking Moron (FM). Why the hell would they be posting their BS in a public forum unless they wanted people to read it? And what's wrong with trying to prompt people to read it?

You're a Traffic Whore. Admit it. For once you admit it, you're on the road to recognition. There's no shame in being a TW, there's only shame in being an unsuccessful TW. Let me tell you, I had a post picked up by the losers on Fark.Com and had over 30,000 hits in two days. That was fun as hell. You should see all the stupid comments by these morons who think they are so clever but are stuck in third grade: hiding in the pack, parroting jokes they see on tv and pretending they are clever but never having an original thought or taking a real stand on anything.

So why not come here, admit you're a TW, and offer your tips and input as to how to be a successful TW without letting on to the rest of the Blogagentsia that you're a member of TWA. Or you can nominate a Traffic Whore that you know of. You don't have to worry... no one visits this blog. Your secret's safe with us.

Leave a comment or send me an email (richardquickesq(at)yahoo-dot-com) to gain membership to T.W.A. Traffic Whores Anonymous.

Vegenazis are on the attack!

Vegenista Terrorists are on the Attack, America, and they want to take away your God-given right to sup on the food chain at your discretion.

Chicago has BANNED FOIE GRAS! That's right: in a few weeks, you can be arrested for possession of foie gras! Wake up, gourmands. This is just the first step. Now, Whole Foods has banned the sale of live lobsters in their stores! They're eyeing your butter sauce! Your eggs are next! And then your burgers!

I for one am taking a stand. They can have my grilled foie gras with cherry chutney and peppercorn brioche when they pry it from my gold, dead, and tastefully bejewelled fingers!

GET RICH QUICK: Magic Money MATRIX as seen on OPRAH!

$$$ QUICK MONEY $$$
Do You Need Extra Income? Quickly and legally?
Do you have a PayPal Account? (If not the set-up takes 10-15 minutes.)You could make up to $50,000 in one month’s time with more money coming in every month thereafter!
$50,000 in PayPal?
That's Right… $50,000 dollars in your PayPal Account!
In my account? $50,000 dollars?
Yes. $50,000 dollars. In your account. Your PayPal Account.
But I don’t have a PayPal Account!
Get one. It takes 10-15 minutes to set up.
And I’ll get $50,000 in it?
For the love of God, yes. Let’s continue. This moneymaking opportunity WAS PROVEN ON OPRAH and this system is COMPLETELY LEGAL!!!You may have heard of this program (or one like it) on 20/20 or even in the Wall Street Journal. $10 Dollars that's all it takes.
What about the PayPal account?
$10 and a PayPal account. That’s all it takes.
To get started just copy this whole page and past it in an e-mail to edit it.
Simply follow the instructions below and in 2 to 3 weeks, you will have as much as $50,000 dollars in your PayPal account or even more. Most people respond to this program because of the low investment ($10 dollars) and high profit. There is no limit to the income you can generate from this (you can do it over and over).
If you follow the instructions, you will reach thousands of people! Honesty, Faith, and Integrity make this system work. And the $10. Yes, yes, and the Paypal account.

Send a $5.00 dollar donation from your PayPal account to THE FIRST e-mail address on the list along with a note saying "Please add me to your list." Now send the other $5.00 donation and an e-mail to the 5th person on the list saying:"THANK YOU, I'VE JOINED."
DO NOT TRY TO PLACE YOURSELF IN THE LIST.

REMEMBER TO:
1) SEND a $5.00 dollar donation to the 1st e-mail address and the message "PLEASE ADD ME TO YOUR LIST”
2) SEND other $5.00 donation to the 5th person and an email with the words 'THANK YOU. I'VE JOINED". This helps the 5th person keep track of progress of the letter and continue to send out more emails.
Here is the most recent list:
1. rquick@hotmail.com
2. richardquick@yahoo.com
3. richquick@hotmail.com
4. richardquickesq@millionaire.com
5. dickquick@yahoo.com
Now that you have paid the 1st person and 5th person and sent them both an email, a note, send $50 to each of the people at #2, #3 and #4. This is important, as each name will multiply into millions of dollars of revenue for you. The only thing left to do is to mail out at least 2000 copies of this letter. IT IS YOUR JOB AS THE 5TH PERSON ON THE LIST TO ENSURE THERE ARE AT LEAST 2000 "THANK YOU. I'VE JOINED" replies. You are the guardian of the system! Don’t fail us!

Step 6. Send whatever money you have left to the fourth (4th) person on the list. Sell anything else you own on Ebay and send that too. “Borrow” anything of value from your neighbors’ yards and garages, sell them, and send the proceeds to the first person on the list. Don’t worry! You’ll repay them a hundredfold!

THE SYSTEM WILL PLACE YOU AUTOMATICALLY IN THE MAGIC MONEY MATRIX. Soon 8,000 to 15,000 people will send you 5 dollars! Keep in mind the most you spent initially $10 DOLLARS! (Remember…….what goes around comes around) DO NOT TRY TO PUT YOURSELF ON THE LIST OR PAYPAL WILL AUTOMATICALLY NOTICE THIS AND DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT AND POSSIBLY PURSUE LEGAL ACTION , OR ISSUE AN ELECTRIC SHOCK TO YOU THROUGH YOUR COMPUTER SINCE THIS IS A LEGITIMATE PROGRAM, AND THEY ARE PART OF IT.*************************************************************
TESTIMONIALS:
Mary Gutters, Columbus, SC: I only have one thing to say to you…….OH MY FREAKIN’ GOD! I sent out 14,200 copies like the instructions said. Then I went on a short vacation. When I got back my account had over $32,000 dollars in it already and the money was still coming! I'm still floating on air (especially with my new car). I thought the Money Matrix system sounded cheesy, but now I realize it is the formula that makes this letter really work! THANKS!

Richard Farrie, Boulder, CO: I was shocked when I saw how much money came flooding into my PayPal account (you were right. I did need a PayPal account.) Within 3 weeks my account balance has ballooned to $22,449. At first I thought there had been some sort of error with my account!

Please give it an honest effort, you will not be disappointed and will be very glad you did when it starts to work. Remember, all you are going to be out of pocket is about the cost of a couple of coffees with the opportunity of banking thousands of dollars, even millions, into your PayPal account!
What's a PayPal account?

See you on the veranda!

Richard Quick, Esq.
The Millionaire Extraordinaire

Richard Quick Wins $3.5 Million Settlement from Supercuts

(pictured: Richard Quick (center) is pictured with Deputy Director Hollis Larkins (right) and Regional Attorney Delner Franklin-Thomas (left), after signing the Settlement Agreement.)

While $3.5 million is little more than a night on the town with a few friends, I see this is as both a moral victory and an clear message as to Richard Quick's dedication to providing full access to the sacred shrine of wealth creation, no matter what your race, color, creed, and no matter how tacky the company you work for is. Just because one child is born black, or hispanic, or Asian doesn't mean he or she shouldn't have as good a chance as anyone to grow up and provide cheap, shitty haircuts. Here's an excerpt from the official EEOC press release:

The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) today announced
a voluntary pre-litigation settlement of a race discrimination case against
Supercuts, Inc., a nationwide chain of hair salons based in Minneapolis,
Minn., for $3.5 million and significant remedial relief. The agreement,
obtained through EEOC's conciliation process, resolves a charge by former [executive] Richard Quick, who claimed that Supercuts Eastern Regional Vice-President terminated him for refusing to go along with a plan to "balance the platform" by reducing the number of African Americans employed with the company. The charge also included claims that Supercuts failed to hire and promote African Americans and terminated them due to their race.
Commenting on the successful settlement, Mr. Quick stated, "I am very pleased with the outcome of EEOC's investigation. People should not be deterred from getting or keeping a job because of the color of their skin. I am proud to have made a difference in this case."

Go here for the full story: "Supercuts to Pay $3.5 Million for Race Bias and Train Hundreds of Managers, In EEOC Settlement."

Liberal Media Attacks Richard Quick, Esq.!

My phone has been flooded with calls, and emails have been pouring into the press office at Quick Mansion, the NAAWP office, Green Line Real Estate and the law offices of Quick, Duhk & Hyde about a news story that appeared in Arizona and was blasted out over the Internet about the arrest of Richard Quick on theft and explosives charges.

I contacted the writer, Mirsada Buric, immediately requesting an immediate printed clarification. She was initially accomodating, sending two emails:

Sir, The reason I haven't responded to you is because I was out of the
office until today. I will pass your concerns to my editors and it will be their
call how the paper will handle this situation.
In addition, the original article appeared in the Daily Courier, the only daily newspaper in the tri-city area, which includes Prescott, Prescott Valley and Chino Valley.
The Chino Valley Review is a weekly and is owned by the same company. That's why my story also appeared there. Sincerely, Mirsada

Sir, After I spoke to my editors, we've decided that I could do a short story to clarify this matter. [Emphasis mine] However, I need to talk to you to get more information. Would you please send me your contact information other than email so I can call you. Thanks, Mirsada

I notified MS. Buric that I was offshore with spotty satellite reception, but if she could send me her direct number I would call when I had signal, and for her to send me the information she needed. I figured that we would have a satisfactory conclusion shortly.

No such luck. For then I receive this hamhanded email from Managing Editor Tim Wiederaenders. Mr. Wiederaenders obviously fancies himself Death Valley's answer to Perry White and Woodward & Bernstein rolled into one. Perhaps he sees the besmirching of a billionaire's reputation as his ticket out of the coyote and scorpion beat and the thriving Southwest journalism scene of Prescott, AZ.

Hello Mr. Quick:
I appreciate your willingness to call us regarding
this matter; however, I do not see that as necessary at this point.
We published in June 2006 front-page stories about the theft of explosives from
Hemphill Drilling and Blasting Company in Chino Valley, Ariz. We
also reported that the first of two arrests was Richard Anthony Quick, 28,
of Prescott Valley, Ariz. -- specifically living in the 3700 block of Tower
Road. Frankly, I find it hard to believe anyone could confuse the
situation -- Mr. Richard Anthony Quick's arrest -- with you, a
billionaire, according to your Web site. Without knowing of a
multi-millionaire Richard Quick living somewhere in the world, I believe we
satisfied our journalistic professionalism in this matter by publishing the
man's full name, age, address and hometown.
Please contact me directly
if you have any questions.
Thank you.
Tim Wiederaenders
Managing Editor
The Daily Courier, Prescott, Arizona

Mr. Wiederaenders (what nationality is that? Certainly sounds foreign. And why is he hiding out in the desert?) claims: "Frankly, I find it hard to believe anyone could confuse the situation -- Mr. Richard Anthony Quick's arrest -- with you, a billionaire." Temporarily putting aside Mr. Wiederaenders obvious struggles with grammatical syntax (English his second language perhaps?), I assume that Mr. W. is saying that if he is wrong, and people do confuse "the situation" with "me," that he is willing to print a clarifying story as originally promised by his reporter. Let's just see how deep Mr. W's "journalistic professionalism" runs when I copy him on the numerous inquiries and correspondi we have received expressing alarm and concern at my supposed arrest, and the libelous implications that i am somehow involved in terrorist activities.

I suspect that no matter how much evidence I present, Mr. W. and the political forces he represents will never follow through on their promise of clarification unless legally forced to do so. Why? Do you have to ask? This is nothing short of another example of the liberal media doing whatever it can to bring down the wealthy and powerful, to attack the patriotic, God-fearing conservative Republicans who love this country, and maintain their liberal grip on the poor deluded and impressionable minds of the American public.

I know, I am supposed to apologize for my wealth. Feel guilty for my power and influence. And be ashamed that I love my country and will die to protect all that it represents. I'm sorry, Mr. Wiederaenders and whomever is supplying your agenda, it's not going to be that easy to bully the real Richard Quick, Esq. to betray the ideals of this great nation, and to be silent in the face of liberal tyranny!