Monday, August 21, 2006

Floyd Landis Hires Quick Public Relations Group


P.R. guru rescues embattled cyclist; Solicits input from cycling community.
Embattled American cycling legend and 2006 Tour De France Winner Floyd Landis has retained Quick Public Relations Group as his image management and crisis management agency of record. Quick Public Relations Group, home of the QuickSpin™ Publicity Management System, is owned by public relations wizard and self-made billionaire Richard Quick, Esq., who will personally oversee the account.

Said Landis: "I am grateful that Mr. Quick, Esq. accepted me as a client. I feel that an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. He has opened my eyes to the many creative options available for my future. I apologized profusely to Mr. Quick for not having hired QPRG earlier, and, in addition to grovelling, have offered to teach his future children how to ride bikes, if and when he has them, and I have promised to name my bicycle The Spirit of Richard Quick, Esq.. Please direct all future media inquiries to my new spokeman, Richard Quick, Esq."

Billionaire pitchman Quick, who hails from the same PA Dutch area as Landis, made his first million at age 12 trading whoopie pie futures on the options exchange. How he built an empire with investment ventures as diverse as Internet Lotteries, male enhancement products, gently war-torn real estate and Get Rich Quick! schemes is the stuff of legend. Many industry experts credit "R.Q." with the popularization of "Spam" as a legitimate direct-sales technique. He has nurtured and mentored many legendary marketers, from Don Lapre to Benny Hinn to Karl Rove.

Quick Solicits Cycling Community Input
Despite his considerable success in every endeavor, Richard Quick, Esq. remained humble, stating: "I do not have all the answers, but I do know this: Floyd Landis is a true American hero at a time when we need true American heroes. I am going to reach out to the American cycling community for input and support to learn what they think is the best course of action for Floyd Landis. There is a great amount at stake here. We are not just fighting for one man's reputation. We are fighting for Cycling. We are fighting for Goodness. Truth. And Democracy. We are fighting, in no uncertain terms, for the very soul of America."

Richard Quick, Esq. then asked American bicycling enthusiasts to share their votes by leaving comments on his Get Rich Quick! blog as to whether Floyd should 1) Admit Guilt regardless of guilt or innocence, 2) Claim he was framed by Al-Qaida, and call for the immediate bombing of the French cycling team, 3)Attend Fawnia's Exotic Dance School
, or 4) some other suggestion.

Richard Quick, Esq. closed by thanking PixWit for his fine graphic contribution to the campaign, and for supporting America with his world-class Art Gallery. "If we inadvertently bomb the Louvre," quipped Quick, "We'll still have"

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