Wednesday, July 19, 2006

An Interview with Bloggasm's Simon Owens

RQ: What do you admire most about Richard Quick, Esq.? Is it his wealth? Good looks? Power? Positive outlook? Animal magnetism? Willingness to give back to the Great Unwashed? Technical blogging prowess?

Simon Owens: I think it's the fact that your last name is Quick. How convenient is that, that the person who would go on to write a Get Rich Quick blog would actually be named Quick? It's like the gods wanted you to be rich.

RQ: If you could have but one of my personal traits, which would it be, and why?

Simon Owens: Your affinity for being the most unshameful traffic whore I've ever met. This one time, I thought about robbing a bank and then posting about it on my blog, just so a bunch of people would link to it right before I got arrested, but I chickened out at the last minute. You, on the other hand, probably would have gone through with it?

RQ: I did, actually. Then I remembered I owned the bank. Why not buy a police scanner, wait until someone else robs a bank, then post it on your blog as if you did it. By the time they realize it's not you, you'll have whored their traffic. Their outrage will prompt a second wave of whored traffic. That's the Traffic Whore Mindset (TWM) at work. Question: which of your limbs or vital organs would you give up to possess my prowess as the most unshameful traffic whore?

Simon Owens: I have this really bad callous on one of my big toe. Could that count?

RQ: Depends. How big is it? Next question: which of my Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.'s 101 Ways to Get Rich Quick! are you planning to follow to Get Rich Quick!? (or Get Rich Slow! or Get Rich At a Moderately Vigorous Pace!)

Simon Owens: 101 ways? Dude, I thought I was supposed to get rich quick. If I have to read all 101 ways, then that doesn't seem very quick. You should shorten that list down to 10, or maybe even 1. Then it'll be truly quick.

RQ: The correct answer was #93. You're losing the TWM. Question: If I gave you a million dollars to donate to one of my non-profit shells, which would you choose? Please explain.

A. National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People
B. Traffic Whores Anonymous (TWA)
C. GnomeWatch International. Save the Foie Gras!
E. HAPPINISTA Movement Exposed!

Simon Owens: Definitely Traffic whores anonymous, and then I'd issue a press release saying that Simon of Bloggasm donated that million dollars in the hope that other places would link to my blog, making me the ultimate traffic whore.

RQ: Bravo! NOW you're getting the millionaire AND traffic whore mindset!

I'd love to keep chatting with you Simon, but I've got a couple of naked supermodels waiting for me in the hot tub. I'd invite you to join, but no. Last question: Who's the worst landlord you've ever had?

Simon Owens: Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA

RQ: Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA ?

Simon Owens: Definitely. Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA.

That concludes this installment of Interviews with Richard Quick, Esq. Special thanks to Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA for use of the kitchen table, unfair and scurrilous business practices and for serving as today's inspiration to college-town wannabe millionaire slumlords everywhere. See you all on the veranda! RQ

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

GET RICH QUICK: The Paddle Store Franchise

When we started out, we were charging people to ferry them up Shit Creek. Then we realized we could double our profits by helping them up Shit Creek for free, then charging them twice as much for a paddle. If you're looking for a franchise with a huge potential market and a high-demand product, this is the franchise opportunity you've been searching for. As the saying goes, your shit has come in.

Richard Quick, Esq. is in Love!

Ever since the tragic loss of my young bride at sea, Ms. Blessing Paul, just moments after our wedding vows and transfer of her family fortune into my offshore account, it has been hard for me to even consider another woman for any purpose other than my own sexual gratification. They say that once you fall, you've got to mount another horse as soon as possible. And while mounting has not been a problem, nor has riding, I have not even considered anything more "stable" in the two months since I became a millionaire widower.

But all that has changed, as I am obsessed with a new love. She is curvy, fiery, and swears like a trucker being kicked by a drunken sailor. She breathes fire, speaks with forked tongue, and can skewer a blogger six ways 'til Sunday. Since she's still married, I can't mention her name, so I'll just call her Ms. Chatty from I Talk too Much I know it'll make Bitter Bitch jealous, but so what? She's already bitter. And a bitch. She had her chance.

Ms. Chatty's gonna be tough to land, but she'll take her place beside me on the veranda soon. Just you wait.

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. Interviewed on Bloggasm.Com

Be sure to check out the interview with America's most beloved Billionaire Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. on Bloggasm.Com.

You've got to hand it to Simon Owens of the site He not only had the foresight to register a great domain name, but he's slick enough to boost his content with this interview format. I'd imagine that those vainer than I would each post their own link or twenty to the fact that they've been interviewed by anyone, anywhere. So at least interviewees' moms are providing steady traffic.

In addition to my interview (by far the best he's ever done), he had three other blog entries the same day. This earns him a nomination to TWA.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Join Traffic Whores Anonymous (TWA)!

Post a comment with your blog address and a short description of your site. All that's required for acceptance is a desire to be a better Traffic Whore. We are a non-profit group with the common goal of Whoring Traffic One Blog at a Time.

You are among fellow Traffic Whores, here. The rules are different. Self-nomination is something to be proud of. We all admit that we are powerless over obscurity, and we look to a Higher Power (Traffic) to deliver us.

TWA Members:

1. Gwen Hammond's Upper Echelon (Nominated by Richard Quick)
2. The Soda Stand (Nominated by Richard Quick)
3. Get Rich Quick! (Nominated by Richard Quick)
4. You. Send me your Web Link and how you hoor traffic and I might give you some.
5. Bloggasm (Nominated by Richard Quick)
6. I Talk 2 Much (Nominated by Richard Quick)

Member Notes:

1. This Gwen Hammond is a divine inspiration, the Queen of Traffic Whores. There's nothing this woman won't do for traffic. And I mean nothing. [Note: yes, Gwen was originally in the #3 spot but she threw a fit. She is a high maintenance diva, but that's the way with pure breds. And I did tell her she'd always be my #1 hoor.
2. This is the woman who inspired TWA. I found her blog through a Google Blog search for "Traffic Whore" and was moved by her words: "I like traffic to my blog. I could be considered a traffic whore. The more traffic, the happier I am."
3. The original Traffic Whore. When I was at my worst, there was nothing I wouldn't do to get traffic. When I was at my best, I got it. And since you're here, it must be working.
4. If you've got a blog, yoor a hoor. You're just not good at it, or your URL would be posted here. put your weblink in the comments & tell us how you hoor traffic. I may grant you some.
5. Simon Owens gets a nomination for his 5-question interview that builds quick easy content & links.
6. At I Talk 2 Much, blogger morons volunteer to be told they are douchebags and that no one cares about their ugly ass kids, their ugly ass pets, their ugly ass husbands, their ugly ass lives or their ugly asses. I also nominate them because I'm hopelessly in love with the sweet, demure and curvaceous Ms. Chatty.


I am just like you, only I'm rich. Filthy rich.

If you were as rich as I am, you'd no longer have to kiss ass unless you chose to. You'd tend to be pretty blunt at times. And honest. And since everyone in American society (especially the slackers who pretend they're against materialism because they're too lazy or stupid to get some material) believes rich people are better than everyone else, and everyone would laugh at your jokes (however lame) and applaud your ideas (however inane), you'd find it easy to get pretty arrogant and sarcastic.

So if you had my money, odds are you'd be as arrogant, blunt & honest as I am, and no one would like you, either. But you wouldn't give a shit.

But here's a secret, straight from the Millionaire: You don't have to wait until you're rich to be honest. Or blunt. Or arrogant. Of course, you can't be those things in public, or on the job, but you can here in the blogosphere.

Start with Honesty. Most Bloggers are worried that people are going to label them Traffic Whores, those lowlife outsiders that post on blogs and bulletin boards in the attempt to draw traffic back to their own little blogs (most of which are just as conformist, pathetic, & boring as they are.) Some try outrageous stunts or take ridiculous positions to provoke controversy. The blog community acts offended and lashes out sarcastically, or with a "just ignore them" policy... unless it works and then they laud the effort while privately seething with Envy.

Because here's the truth: Every blogger is a closet Traffic Whore (TW), unless they are a Freaking Moron (FM). Why the hell would they be posting their BS in a public forum unless they wanted people to read it? And what's wrong with trying to prompt people to read it?

You're a Traffic Whore. Admit it. For once you admit it, you're on the road to recognition. There's no shame in being a TW, there's only shame in being an unsuccessful TW. Let me tell you, I had a post picked up by the losers on Fark.Com and had over 30,000 hits in two days. That was fun as hell. You should see all the stupid comments by these morons who think they are so clever but are stuck in third grade: hiding in the pack, parroting jokes they see on tv and pretending they are clever but never having an original thought or taking a real stand on anything.

So why not come here, admit you're a TW, and offer your tips and input as to how to be a successful TW without letting on to the rest of the Blogagentsia that you're a member of TWA. Or you can nominate a Traffic Whore that you know of. You don't have to worry... no one visits this blog. Your secret's safe with us.

Leave a comment or send me an email (richardquickesq(at)yahoo-dot-com) to gain membership to T.W.A. Traffic Whores Anonymous.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Vegenazis are on the attack!

Vegenista Terrorists are on the Attack, America, and they want to take away your God-given right to sup on the food chain at your discretion.

Chicago has BANNED FOIE GRAS! That's right: in a few weeks, you can be arrested for possession of foie gras! Wake up, gourmands. This is just the first step. Now, Whole Foods has banned the sale of live lobsters in their stores! They're eyeing your butter sauce! Your eggs are next! And then your burgers!

I for one am taking a stand. They can have my grilled foie gras with cherry chutney and peppercorn brioche when they pry it from my gold, dead, and tastefully bejewelled fingers!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

GET RICH QUICK: Magic Money MATRIX as seen on OPRAH!

Do You Need Extra Income? Quickly and legally?
Do you have a PayPal Account? (If not the set-up takes 10-15 minutes.)You could make up to $50,000 in one month’s time with more money coming in every month thereafter!
$50,000 in PayPal?
That's Right… $50,000 dollars in your PayPal Account!
In my account? $50,000 dollars?
Yes. $50,000 dollars. In your account. Your PayPal Account.
But I don’t have a PayPal Account!
Get one. It takes 10-15 minutes to set up.
And I’ll get $50,000 in it?
For the love of God, yes. Let’s continue. This moneymaking opportunity WAS PROVEN ON OPRAH and this system is COMPLETELY LEGAL!!!You may have heard of this program (or one like it) on 20/20 or even in the Wall Street Journal. $10 Dollars that's all it takes.
What about the PayPal account?
$10 and a PayPal account. That’s all it takes.
To get started just copy this whole page and past it in an e-mail to edit it.
Simply follow the instructions below and in 2 to 3 weeks, you will have as much as $50,000 dollars in your PayPal account or even more. Most people respond to this program because of the low investment ($10 dollars) and high profit. There is no limit to the income you can generate from this (you can do it over and over).

If you follow the instructions, you will reach thousands of people! Honesty, Faith, and Integrity make this system work. And the $10. Yes, yes, and the Paypal account.

Send a $5.00 dollar donation from your PayPal account to THE FIRST e-mail address on the list along with a note saying "Please add me to your list." Now send the other $5.00 donation and an e-mail to the 5th person on the list saying:"THANK YOU, I'VE JOINED."

1) SEND a $5.00 dollar donation to the 1st e-mail address and the message "PLEASE ADD ME TO YOUR LIST”
2) SEND other $5.00 donation to the 5th person and an email with the words 'THANK YOU. I'VE JOINED". This helps the 5th person keep track of progress of the letter and continue to send out more emails.
Here is the most recent list:
Now that you have paid the 1st person and 5th person and sent them both an email, a note, send $50 to each of the people at #2, #3 and #4. This is important, as each name will multiply into millions of dollars of revenue for you. The only thing left to do is to mail out at least 2000 copies of this letter. IT IS YOUR JOB AS THE 5TH PERSON ON THE LIST TO ENSURE THERE ARE AT LEAST 2000 "THANK YOU. I'VE JOINED" replies. You are the guardian of the system! Don’t fail us!

Step 6. Send whatever money you have left to the fourth (4th) person on the list. Sell anything else you own on Ebay and send that too. “Borrow” anything of value from your neighbors’ yards and garages, sell them, and send the proceeds to the first person on the list. Don’t worry! You’ll repay them a hundredfold!

Mary Gutters, Columbus, SC: I only have one thing to say to you…….OH MY FREAKIN’ GOD! I sent out 14,200 copies like the instructions said. Then I went on a short vacation. When I got back my account had over $32,000 dollars in it already and the money was still coming! I'm still floating on air (especially with my new car). I thought the Money Matrix system sounded cheesy, but now I realize it is the formula that makes this letter really work! THANKS!

Richard Farrie, Boulder, CO: I was shocked when I saw how much money came flooding into my PayPal account (you were right. I did need a PayPal account.) Within 3 weeks my account balance has ballooned to $22,449. At first I thought there had been some sort of error with my account!

Please give it an honest effort, you will not be disappointed and will be very glad you did when it starts to work. Remember, all you are going to be out of pocket is about the cost of a couple of coffees with the opportunity of banking thousands of dollars, even millions, into your PayPal account!
What's a PayPal account?

See you on the veranda!

Richard Quick, Esq.
The Millionaire Extraordinaire

Richard Quick Wins $3.5 Million Settlement from Supercuts

(pictured: Richard Quick (center) is pictured with Deputy Director Hollis Larkins (right) and Regional Attorney Delner Franklin-Thomas (left), after signing the Settlement Agreement.)

While $3.5 million is little more than a night on the town with a few friends, I see this is as both a moral victory and an clear message as to Richard Quick's dedication to providing full access to the sacred shrine of wealth creation, no matter what your race, color, creed, and no matter how tacky the company you work for is. Just because one child is born black, or hispanic, or Asian doesn't mean he or she shouldn't have as good a chance as anyone to grow up and provide cheap, shitty haircuts. Here's an excerpt from the official EEOC press release:
The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) today announced
a voluntary pre-litigation settlement of a race discrimination case against
Supercuts, Inc., a nationwide chain of hair salons based in Minneapolis,
Minn., for $3.5 million and significant remedial relief. The agreement,
obtained through EEOC's conciliation process, resolves a charge by former [executive] Richard Quick, who claimed that Supercuts Eastern Regional Vice-President terminated him for refusing to go along with a plan to "balance the platform" by reducing the number of African Americans employed with the company. The charge also included claims that Supercuts failed to hire and promote African Americans and terminated them due to their race.
Commenting on the successful settlement, Mr. Quick stated, "I am very pleased with the outcome of EEOC's investigation. People should not be deterred from getting or keeping a job because of the color of their skin. I am proud to have made a difference in this case."

Go here for the full story: "Supercuts to Pay $3.5 Million for Race Bias and Train Hundreds of Managers, In EEOC Settlement."

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Liberal Media Attacks Richard Quick, Esq.!

My phone has been flooded with calls, and emails have been pouring into the press office at Quick Mansion, the NAAWP office, Green Line Real Estate and the law offices of Quick, Duhk & Hyde about a news story that appeared in Arizona and was blasted out over the Internet about the arrest of Richard Quick on theft and explosives charges.

I contacted the writer, Mirsada Buric, immediately requesting an immediate printed clarification. She was initially accomodating, sending two emails:

Sir, The reason I haven't responded to you is because I was out of the
office until today. I will pass your concerns to my editors and it will be their
call how the paper will handle this situation.
In addition, the original article appeared in the Daily Courier, the only daily newspaper in the tri-city area, which includes Prescott, Prescott Valley and Chino Valley.
The Chino Valley Review is a weekly and is owned by the same company. That's why my story also appeared there. Sincerely, Mirsada
Sir, After I spoke to my editors, we've decided that I could do a short story to clarify this matter. [Emphasis mine] However, I need to talk to you to get more information. Would you please send me your contact information other than email so I can call you. Thanks, Mirsada
I notified MS. Buric that I was offshore with spotty satellite reception, but if she could send me her direct number I would call when I had signal, and for her to send me the information she needed. I figured that we would have a satisfactory conclusion shortly.

No such luck. For then I receive this hamhanded email from Managing Editor Tim Wiederaenders. Mr. Wiederaenders obviously fancies himself Death Valley's answer to Perry White and Woodward & Bernstein rolled into one. Perhaps he sees the besmirching of a billionaire's reputation as his ticket out of the coyote and scorpion beat and the thriving Southwest journalism scene of Prescott, AZ.

Hello Mr. Quick:
I appreciate your willingness to call us regarding
this matter; however, I do not see that as necessary at this point.
We published in June 2006 front-page stories about the theft of explosives from
Hemphill Drilling and Blasting Company in Chino Valley, Ariz. We
also reported that the first of two arrests was Richard Anthony Quick, 28,
of Prescott Valley, Ariz. -- specifically living in the 3700 block of Tower
Road. Frankly, I find it hard to believe anyone could confuse the
situation -- Mr. Richard Anthony Quick's arrest -- with you, a
billionaire, according to your Web site. Without knowing of a
multi-millionaire Richard Quick living somewhere in the world, I believe we
satisfied our journalistic professionalism in this matter by publishing the
man's full name, age, address and hometown.
Please contact me directly
if you have any questions.
Thank you.
Tim Wiederaenders
Managing Editor
The Daily Courier, Prescott, Arizona

Mr. Wiederaenders (what nationality is that? Certainly sounds foreign. And why is he hiding out in the desert?) claims: "Frankly, I find it hard to believe anyone could confuse the situation -- Mr. Richard Anthony Quick's arrest -- with you, a billionaire." Temporarily putting aside Mr. Wiederaenders obvious struggles with grammatical syntax (English his second language perhaps?), I assume that Mr. W. is saying that if he is wrong, and people do confuse "the situation" with "me," that he is willing to print a clarifying story as originally promised by his reporter. Let's just see how deep Mr. W's "journalistic professionalism" runs when I copy him on the numerous inquiries and correspondi we have received expressing alarm and concern at my supposed arrest, and the libelous implications that i am somehow involved in terrorist activities.

I suspect that no matter how much evidence I present, Mr. W. and the political forces he represents will never follow through on their promise of clarification unless legally forced to do so. Why? Do you have to ask? This is nothing short of another example of the liberal media doing whatever it can to bring down the wealthy and powerful, to attack the patriotic, God-fearing conservative Republicans who love this country, and maintain their liberal grip on the poor deluded and impressionable minds of the American public.

I know, I am supposed to apologize for my wealth. Feel guilty for my power and influence. And be ashamed that I love my country and will die to protect all that it represents. I'm sorry, Mr. Wiederaenders and whomever is supplying your agenda, it's not going to be that easy to bully the real Richard Quick, Esq. to betray the ideals of this great nation, and to be silent in the face of liberal tyranny!

Monday, July 10, 2006

GET RICH QUICK: Become an Etch-A-Sketch Artist!

You can buy a Classic Etch-A-Sketch for $14.95 (cheaper in quantity), draw some stuff on it, turn around and sell it for $5000 - $8000 a pop. It's that easy! Even if you only do one picture a day at $5000 per, that's $1,825,000 per year. (Remember, students, to subtract your cost of goods to determine your gross profit.) Subtract $5456.75 for the purchase of 365 Etch-A-Sketches, and you walk away with a profit of $1,819,543.30! That doesn't even take into account appearance fees and celebrity endorsements which can be exorbitant. Michael Jordan made something like $30 Million a year in celebrity endorsements, and he's all thumbs with an Etch-A-Sketch!

Sound too good to be true? George Vlosic III makes a tidy living as a full-time Etch-A-Sketch artist. And he gets to hobnob with celebrities from Cal Ripkin to the Beatles and even Elvis! Check out his gallery at ETCHED IN TIME. How hard can that be?

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Richard Quick, Esq. Demands Printed Clarification from Chino Valley Review

Dear Mirsada Buric:

After I received many concerned emails and phone calls from friends, fans and investors, my Public Relations Director forwarded me your article on the arrest of a Richard Quick on explosives charges in Castle Canyon Mesa, AZ. While your story in the Chino Valley Review was otherwise well-written and informative, I believe you lapsed in your journalistic professionalism by not clarifying that this miscreant was not the same individual as the famous Millionaire with whom he shares his name.

If you reported on a local pedophile named Bill Gates, or a local car thief named Donald Trump, or a chicken rustler and vandal named George W. Bush, would you not attempt comment or clarification to reconcile and clarify identity? Would you print "Brad Pitt Arrested in Truckstop Men's Room Sting"? Would you report "Donald Rumsfeld Arrested for Indecent Exposure" without clarifying that it wasn't THE Donald Rumsfeld?

I have spent my life building a stellar reputation and a personal brand-name synonymous with self-made success and wealth acquisition. After building a personal fortune, a prominent law firm that bears my name, the non-profit NAAWP, I have dedicated myself to inspiring young people to attain their full potential. These youngsters come to my Get Rich Quick blog ( and learn that even if they lack a social pedigree, work ethic or talent, they can still acheive wealth by following my simple philosophy. How will they be able to believe in me - and therefore themselves - if they think I am a dynamite-stealing ne'er-do-well too stupid to get away with such an easy crime?

I must request that your paper immediately publish a clarification that this Richard Quick is in no way associated, or the same person, as the beloved Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq., founder of the NAAWP and publisher of Get Rich Quick! Furthermore, please either include said clarification in future stories on this rapscallion, or simply refer to him as "Ritchie Quick," "Rick Quick," "Dick Quick," or "Non-Millionaire Richard Quick."

Thank you for your immediate attention to this matter.

See you on the veranda!

Richard Quick, Esq.

Public Statement on Richard Quick Explosives Arrest

Official Statement from the Press Room of Quick Estate regarding the reported arrest of Richard Quick by the Chino Valley Review of Chino Valley, AZ .

On 6/28/06 the Chino Valley Review of Chino Valley, AZ publicly reported that Richard Quick is facing charges for stealing dynamite and electric blasting caps from Hemphill Drilling and Blasting in Chino Valley the weekend of June 17-18.

They quoted Federal Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF) spokesman Tom Mangan as saying that Richard Quick is facing state charges of theft and possession of explosives as well as violations of federal explosive laws. They quoted Mangan as saying Richard quick is already a convicted felon, and will face even more severe penalties.

The Chino Valley Review reported that local and federal authorities stormed Richard Quick’s residence in the 3700 block of Tower Road in Castle Canyon Mesa, and found 167 sticks of dynamite, 260 electric detonators and three bags of ammonium nitrate, Mangan said. According to the Chino Valley Review: "Yavapai County Sheriff’s Office records indicate that local authorities issued a nationwide extradition warrant for Quick’s arrest, which they revoked after Quick’s apprehension on Wednesday."

On behalf of Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq., Quick, Duhk & Hyde Attorneys at Law, and the NAAWP, we would like to clarify that this individual, Richard Quick, is in no way related and is not the same person as Richard Quick, Esq. the beloved multi-millionaire and wealth-building guru who has done so much to build the wealth of those with so little going for them.

We have requested that the Chino Valley Review print a clarification in both its print and online editions making sure that there is no confusion that the dynamite-stealing, bomb-making Richard Quick of godforsaken Castle Canyon Mesa is the same Richard Quick as the inspirational empire builder Richard Quick, Esq. of Quick Mansion, Quick Estate, founder of the National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People and publisher of the acclaimed blog Get Rich Quick at

Further, we have kindly requested clarifying statements in any future reports of this miscreant, or that they use the name "Ritchie Quick" or "Rick Quick" or "Dick Quick" when reporting on him in the future.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Kenneth Lay Conspiracy: He's not here

Official Press Briefing
10:30 a.m. EST July 7, 2006
Veranda of Quick Mansion, Richard Quick Estate
Candy Springtime, Sherling Tompson Public Relations

"Good morning all. As everyone knows, I'm Candy Springtime of Sherling Tompson Public Relations speaking on behalf of Mr. Richard Quick, Esq., Quick, Duhk & Hyde Attorneys at Law, LLP, and the NAAWP, also known as the National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People.

"Two days ago, Richard Quick's former student, protege, golf partner, longtime client and personal friend Kenneth Lay passed away from coronary artery disease at the age of 64. Mr. Quick would like to once again express his condolences to the family and to assure them that the substantial retainer payment made by Mr. Lay shortly before his death will be adequate to cover the grieving time and funeral attendance of the professional staff of Quick, Duhk & Hyde. We are thankful not to have to send an invoice at this difficult time.

"The purpose of this press conference, however, is to express our outrage over accusations made in recent days by gossip-mongers, lowlife bloggers, and irresponsible journalists quoting supposed "inside sources" alleging that Mr. Lay, with the assistance of the highly respected multimillionaire and philanthropist Richard Quick, Esq., and covert Bush administration operatives have faked the death of former Enron executive Kenneth Lay, and that Mr. Lay is actually alive and well and living in perfect health on the grounds of the Richard Quick Estate.

"Let us be clear: Mr. Lay is NOT, I repeat NOT, alive and well and living in perfect health on the grounds of the Richard Quick Estate. We are investigating these allegations and will continue to do so. Be forewarned that we will aggressively litigate any individuals or groups or media organizations spreading these slanderous comments and rumors. If Mr. Lay is indeed alive, he is not in perfect health and living on the grounds of what's known as the Richard Quick Main Estate, which is a separate entity and not inclusive of other Quick properties or affiliates.

"Let me further state that widely spread allegations involving discussions of the covert transportation and hiding of "Mr. Lay" supposedly overheard by Richard Quick's former domestic staff and leaked to the press and law enforcement were misunderstandings that have now been cleared up. The domestic servants had, in fact, misconstrued the meaning of an overheard and inadmissable conversation regarding a covert delivery of "Lay's Potato Chips," that are a favorite of Mr. Quick's but forbidden by his doctor for cholesterol-related reasons. Mr. Quick had the chips in question delivered covertly under the cover of night so his doctor would not admonish him. The domestic servants acknowledged their error in a sworn affadavit shortly before their disappearance, and are no longer available for comment...or other purposes.

"Let me also state unequivocably and with a straight face that the mysterious disappearance of the winner of last month's Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.'s Kenneth Lay Look-alike Contest is entirely coincidental and unrelated to Mr. Lay's untimely death. We regret that Mr. Freudenstein, who won an all-expense paid trip to the Caribbean furnished by Mr. Quick, disappeared last month off the coast of Aruba while on Mr. Quick's yacht, but are pleased that his last moments were the happiest of his life. Allegations that Mr. Quick somehow "harvested" the body for use in the cover-up, while ingenious, are, in this case, untrue, libelous, slanderous, and offensive. The Bush Administration has added that spreading these allegations against Richard Quick, Esq. or even "snooping around" constitute a threat to national security, and are therefore treasonous and warrant the use of deadly force with no questions asked.

"Are there any questions? No? Great! This press conference is concluded. Once you are unbound, please place your gags in the marked bins and help yourself to refreshments."

Friday, July 07, 2006

GET RICH QUICK: Start a Taxi Service!

Get rich quick with a taxi service, you say?

Richard, you're the greatest businessman and most beloved millionaire of all time, but are you slipping?

Fear not, my students. Not just any taxi service. An Ultimate Taxi Service.

People are easily amazed, are they not? And will so easily fork over their hard-earned cash when you take an "extraordinary" approach to an ordinary task.

GET RICH QUICK: Sell Nipple Stifflers!

These could be the perfect complement to your
YarmulkaBra and Vulva Puppets product line!

According to the BodyPerks website:

What are bodyperks? They are lightweight, natural colored, silicone nipples that you insert into your bra and place directly on your own nipple. You can create your own look and wear them with tight t-shirts, sexy halters, dresses, twin sets, swimsuits and more.
One size fits all as bodyperks were crafted to produce just the right amount of perkiness, regardless of breast size or shape.

Who won't pay a premium for "just the right amount of perkiness"?

GET RICH QUICK: Sell Vulva Puppets!

According to the Wondrous Vulva Puppet Web Site:

The Wondrous Vulva Puppet is soft, receptive, visually beautiful and they
smell good! Rather than being embarrassing, they encourage thoughtful dialogue,
allowing a connection with the emotional and spiritual aspects of sex.

GET RICH QUICK: Rent your Chest!

Why not rent out your chest like this guy.

He gets $20 to write your message on his chest and post the pic on his website. Female breasts are available for rental at $2K per pair (though that would be harder to read).

Sell your chest every 10 minutes at only $20 each and you'll make $20,160 per week, and over $1,000,000 per year. Rent out several people's chests (think outsourcing oversees) and you can multiply that many times over. Pretty soon you'll be talking about real money.

GET RICH QUICK: Sell Yarmulkebras!

According to the Yarmulkebra web site:

A yarmulkebra is a bra made of two yarmulkes. No longer are yarmulkes limited to men or heads. You wanted to wear one? Now you can wear two.

What a fantastic idea, and an exciting and saleable product! I have inquired to Yarmulkebra on your behalf to get the details for selling this high-potential product line.

GET RICH QUICK: Sell Innovative Fruit Carriers

While I'm not certain there's a dealer of franchise program for Banana Guard established yet, the market is wide open for this excellent product in the U.S. In fact, there's only one outlet in the U.S.... a bicycle shop in New Orleans. it's inconvenient making a servant fly down there, and during Katrina we had to send the plane to Canada to get the new colors.

I've emailed them for more information. In the meantime, check out their website: Banana guard website.

Dear Banana Guard:

Do you have an established Bananaguard dealer or
distributor program for the US you could send me information on? I am interested
in possibly establishing other dealers or vendor outlets, as I am an ardent user
of your product.
Thank you.

GET RICH QUICK: Become a Hit Man/Woman!

Here's a great chance not only to build a profitable professional services business you can operate from home, but a chance to truly help people with problems they just can't solve by themselves. At the end of the day, isn't that really what it's all about? And the money?

Never offed anyone before? No sweat! Professional Hit Men provide a full training program covering all the latest techniques and marketing tactics, and use state of the art training tools as well!

So stop sitting and get hitting today!

HITMAN - Professional Killings

GET RICH QUICK: Start an anti-currency movement

Inspired by the I Hate Dimes website, you can start your own anti-currency movement. It's a simple idea: Rant & rave & rail against a specific type of currency, whip the masses into a frenzy, and have them send the dreaded currency to you in protest.

Suggested: protest a higher form of currency than a dime.

GET RICH QUICK: Become a Rectal Exam Trainer!

Become an in-demand freelance rectal exam trainer is easier than ever, thanks to the Digital Rectal Examination simulator by KYOTO KAGAKU CO., LTD.

The kit includes:
  • 1 Adult lumbar torso (unisex)
    4 rectal units
    1 normal,
    1 rectal
    cancer A,
    1 rectal cancer B,
    1 rectal with polyps 1 prostate model1
    endocervix model1 jar of Vaseline
  • 1 storage box

Alternative uses not encouraged and voids warranty.

Learn more here.

GET RICH DICK: Sell Penis clowns!

Dean Adams' Penis figurines are the hottest products and hardest to get. Become a reseller and Get dick Quick!

Adams' insights into his own art are penetrating. As he said about one of his pieces: "I likened the emergence of Light to a manifestation of two brothers, knowing quite well that there are not two brothers, nor even one. "

Start your own Dean Adams Penis collection and be the envy of the neighborhood!

GET RICH QUICK: Sell Penis birds!

The cock that crows in yonder hollow
is dreaming of his little swallow.

It might sound just a tad absurd
But we all need a Penis Bird.

Penis Birds by Dean Adams

GET RICH QUICK: Sell Cow Pie Clocks!

Why sell normal, boring crap when you can sell cow pie clocks, mirrors and other upscale decor items. Show your sophistication! Great gift items for those who give a crap.

Monday, July 03, 2006

GET RICH QUICK: Sell UFO Abduction Insurance!

Sell UFO Abduction Insurance!

"Don't Leave Earth Without It!"

GET RICH QUICK: Friendly Fire Fast Funds Franchise!

Sometimes, to free people from oppression & tyranny you have to blow them and their houses to smithereens. As Hornsby put it: That's just the way it is.

But there's always a bright side for those of us who refuse to see the crater as half empty. Read on, and I'll teach you how to find the pin on this hand grenade of opportunity.

The U.S. Government is paying out MILLIONS to lucky Iraqi survivors or next-of-kin for damaged personal property and injuries or deaths to family members as a result of Operation Iraqi Freedom. These payments, known variously as "Sympathy" payments or "Oops! Sorry we blew up your house... And family" disbursements are sort of a modern Iraqi Lottery. The Fallujah Liaison Team site has a carnival atmosphere each Wednesday (Claims Day!) as eager, liberated Iraqis wheel and hobble in to munch the sweet snow cone of opportunity.

According to Staff Sgt. Robert Barker, disburser & host, II OMFG Headquarters Group, 2nd Force Service Support & Game Show Group (Forward), said "There's a real excitement in the air as I call out their names. Suad Jaafari, Crawl on DOWN! They can make some big bucks if they can make it down without a Big Whammy!"

Says Barker: “Most death claims are $2,500 big ones. Whether it’s one family member or four family members it’s still going to be $2,500. Personal injuries that will actually threaten them for the rest of their life we give from $1,000 to $1,500. Property damage is $500 and below.” The Iraqis can really hit the jackpot with bonus claims for damages incurred from non-combat activities “If we have a convoy going through town and they crush a car, the car owner can spin for a chance to win a brand new Yugo Amaryl. At the very least, they'll get the Home Version of our game... for when they have a home.”

But the Iraqis face a little challenge. While 200 show up on an average Claims Day, only 25 or so claims get processed, and they have to keep coming back. Some are too shell-shocked to fill out the paperwork correctly, and too grief-stricken to properly fabricate receipts or maximize their claims. Even those who know that electronic filing exists lack the computer skills, computer or fingers to fill out online forms. But as I always say, from Adversity is Opportunity Borne.

Now, as a Friendly Fire FastFunds (4H) franchise owner, you can expedite the payments that disabled Iraqis deserve... and keep half for yourself. Not only will you be doing well by doing good, you'll be doing your patriotic duty by repatriating American funds... earned by Americans to be spent in America!

Through the Friendly Fire FastFunds (4H) franchise company, a division of Green Line Real Estate, a Quick & Hammond corporation, you'll shock and awe bewildered Iraqis with two sure-fire claims expediting options.

With your 4H Accelerated Sympathy Service (ASS), you can provide claims funds electronically transmitted by the U.S. Government even to liberated Iraqis who no longer have a bank account (or bank). You can offer them access to the balance of their half of their funds in approximately 8 to 15 days, rather than 8 to 15 months.

The benefits of choosing ASS include:

- No payment is required up front because fees will be

- A choice of receiving payment by check, or loaded into
theirPartyPoker.Com account

- A $10.00 free credit for signing up with PartyPoker.Com
- Additional fees that may apply.

A Sympathy Anticipation Check* (SAC) is a loan made to customers based upon their anticipated refund amount and life expectancy. If they qualify, they can apply for a loan on the amount of the anticipated Sympathy Payment - up to $9,999 - and receive the loan proceeds in as little as one 1 day. If they happen to have an unfortunate "accident" before they receive payment, you keep it all as well as THEIR death bounty!

*A SAC is a loan. Additional fees apply. Loans up to $9,999 provided by Midland Texas Bank & Trust or MTBT Bank USA, N.A. Bank fees and other charges deducted from loan proceeds. Loans may be subject to credit approval. Terms & conditions apply.

Sign up for the Get Rich Quick! Newsletter to learn more about this exciting franchise program!

GET RICH QUICK: GLRE Work-to-Own Program!

Gwen Hammond's Upper Echelon: GREEN LINE REAL ESTATE Offers New 'GLRE Work-to-Own Program'

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Do you have the RQ Millionaire Mindset?

OK, students and future millionaires, if you want to seize opportunity you must be prepared for it, and when you hear the creaky window opportunity opening, you must react as one with the Millionaire Mindset. For me, million dollar ideas only appear a few times per day, and I have disciplined myself to react quickly and decisively to seize them.

For example, early this morning I was reviewing the blogs of the misguided (I never sleep; sleep is for Democrats) and ran across The Quaker's Colonel interesting statistics in his post titled Statistics for July:

Today, July 1, 2006, is day 1,200 of the U.S.-led invasion and occupation of

U.S. military deaths are 2,536; 62 died in June, one has died in
July U.S. wounded, as of last update (June 11), total at 18, 356.

Coalition military deaths are 226; half of these are British

Iraqi civilian deaths are at least 50,000.
Police fatalities in 2005 were 3,578 and for the first half of 2006 were 4,693.

Iraqi government figures for fatalities for May and June 2006 were 1,423 and 1,771, respectively. By comparison, the Iraq Coalition report lists only 1,120 and 868 for these
months, respectively.

On July 1, 78 Iraqi civilians and 8 Iraqi police and military died
What's your instant reaction to this news? Awww, that's terrible? Not if you have the Millionaire Mindset it isn't! The conditioned student of wealth's reaction is: Hmmm... How can I make real money off this? I've developed a sixth sense for opportunity... I could sense it nearby.

I immediately called my Director at Quick Research and told him to assemble his his team and get me a report by day's end as to the best way to make serious profit off of the (admittedly unfortunate blah blah) civilian deaths in Iraq. His reaction did not reflect a Millionaire Mindset (It's 4 a.m. And it's Sunday, Mr. Quick. He whined. I haven't seen my family in 4 weeks.). I told him to enjoy his abundant, unemployed family time, fired him, and immediately promoted his assistant. While the exuberance and gutteral nature of his assistant's reaction to his early morning promotion (Fuckin' A!!!) was clearly fueled by 12 hours of Jagermeister shots, his exuberance was reflective of the Millionaire Mindset. I look forward to his report by day's end.

When opportunity appears, you must be ready. For instance, you should have your checkbook out and your assets ready to liquefy prior to the completion of this report. I am sure it will result in an investment program that will create millionaires of those who have developed the Richard Quick, Esq. Millionaire Mindset and are ready for a life of untold wealth and well-deserved luxury.

Will I see you on the veranda?

Richard Quick, Esq.

"Is it OK to profit from the suffering of others?"


See you on the veranda!

Richard Quick, Esq.
National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People

You can't beat us. Why not join us?

Saturday, July 01, 2006

GET RICH QUICK: Renegade Eye's Socialist Doll Ideas

Recently, I received this plea for help from a late stage but recovering Socialist:

Dear Richard:

I found this blog surfing.
Could you make me, a sellout socialist? My price is low.

Renegade Eye

It's a tough case. The recovery rate for Socialism is shockingly low, with the only proven treatments being alcoholism, despair and, for extreme cases, actually living in a socialist society. Renegade Eye's case seems even more serious, as he/she developed socialism on the shores of Lake Wobegon, probably a rare strain that's associated with long, cold winters and too many books.

But I thrive on tough cases, and I'm dedicated to helping even the most red-eyed and the most misguided locate and nurture their inner-capitalist. So I searched through all the incomprehensible babble about worker's rights, human dignity, justice and other socio-babble until at last I discovered the gem I was looking for. There it was, in a post titled A Muslim Barbie... Please!, the seed of a socialist moneymaking idea:

When a slave child has a slave doll to relate to;
When a child labourer has a doll which comes complete with a
When a girl who has been genitally mutilated has a doll with mutilated
and when a child 'bride' has a baby barbie doll dressed in white to relate
Then, I suppose, this veiled doll will also make sense...
That is, of course, if and when we have reverted back to the Middle Ages
and full on barbarity.

Renegade Eye shows a glimmer of promise here, but has missed the turn onto the road to success. Let me show how Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. can transform this bleeding heart NPR soundbyte into a Vision statement for Getting Rich Quick!

When a slave child has a slave doll to relate to;
When a child labourer has a doll which comes complete with a
When a girl who has been genitally mutilated has a doll with mutilated
and when a child 'bride' has a baby barbie doll dressed in white to relate
And each bears the tag: "Manufactured by the Renegade Eye DollWorks Camp #6
100% bourgeoisie-free. Socialist-Made Socialist-Approved."
Then I shall be a happy Sellout Socialist who is happily "more equal" than all the others.

Renegade Eye: The socialist gig is a great front: Just declare a cultural revolution whenever you need slave labor. Develop a pull string so they can say Workers of the world unite! I'd market these on TV late at night for people to buy and send to repressed people in countries whose names we can't pronounce (You can buy a child bride a special doll for only 3 cents per day!) Use Sally Struthers if she hasn't exploded yet. Best yet, who'll know if you really sent them?

This could also be the basis for a great MLM/Home Party for suburban socialists. Your "party" hosts could blather on about whatever, Trot out some socialist hors doevres, and then rack up big orders for your sweatshop dolls. Now that's socialism.