Wednesday, July 19, 2006

An Interview with Bloggasm's Simon Owens

RQ: What do you admire most about Richard Quick, Esq.? Is it his wealth? Good looks? Power? Positive outlook? Animal magnetism? Willingness to give back to the Great Unwashed? Technical blogging prowess?

Simon Owens: I think it's the fact that your last name is Quick. How convenient is that, that the person who would go on to write a Get Rich Quick blog would actually be named Quick? It's like the gods wanted you to be rich.

RQ: If you could have but one of my personal traits, which would it be, and why?

Simon Owens: Your affinity for being the most unshameful traffic whore I've ever met. This one time, I thought about robbing a bank and then posting about it on my blog, just so a bunch of people would link to it right before I got arrested, but I chickened out at the last minute. You, on the other hand, probably would have gone through with it?

RQ: I did, actually. Then I remembered I owned the bank. Why not buy a police scanner, wait until someone else robs a bank, then post it on your blog as if you did it. By the time they realize it's not you, you'll have whored their traffic. Their outrage will prompt a second wave of whored traffic. That's the Traffic Whore Mindset (TWM) at work. Question: which of your limbs or vital organs would you give up to possess my prowess as the most unshameful traffic whore?

Simon Owens: I have this really bad callous on one of my big toe. Could that count?

RQ: Depends. How big is it? Next question: which of my Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.'s 101 Ways to Get Rich Quick! are you planning to follow to Get Rich Quick!? (or Get Rich Slow! or Get Rich At a Moderately Vigorous Pace!)

Simon Owens: 101 ways? Dude, I thought I was supposed to get rich quick. If I have to read all 101 ways, then that doesn't seem very quick. You should shorten that list down to 10, or maybe even 1. Then it'll be truly quick.

RQ: The correct answer was #93. You're losing the TWM. Question: If I gave you a million dollars to donate to one of my non-profit shells, which would you choose? Please explain.

A. National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People
B. Traffic Whores Anonymous (TWA)
C. GnomeWatch International. Save the Foie Gras!
E. HAPPINISTA Movement Exposed!

Simon Owens: Definitely Traffic whores anonymous, and then I'd issue a press release saying that Simon of Bloggasm donated that million dollars in the hope that other places would link to my blog, making me the ultimate traffic whore.

RQ: Bravo! NOW you're getting the millionaire AND traffic whore mindset!

I'd love to keep chatting with you Simon, but I've got a couple of naked supermodels waiting for me in the hot tub. I'd invite you to join, but no. Last question: Who's the worst landlord you've ever had?

Simon Owens: Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA

RQ: Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA ?

Simon Owens: Definitely. Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA.

That concludes this installment of Interviews with Richard Quick, Esq. Special thanks to Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA for use of the kitchen table, unfair and scurrilous business practices and for serving as today's inspiration to college-town wannabe millionaire slumlords everywhere. See you all on the veranda! RQ

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