Wednesday, August 30, 2006

GET RICH QUICK: A Smoking Opportunity!

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. is proud to announce a new partnership in which his famed entrepreneurial QuickCo Corp. will assist innovative digital concept and master incubator PIXWIT in transforming it's cutting edge concepts into moneymaking business opportunities that will help individuals with no special talents, experience or intelligence - individuals just like you - Get Rich Quick!

The results of our first joint launch: The Analrettes Home Party opportunity! Why should Big Tobacco have all the fun? Now you can too... and Get Rich Quick in the process!

No sniffs, ands or butts about it, Analrettes are one shit-hot opportunity.

There are over 46 Million smokers in the U.S. That's one out of every four adults, and two out of every four children. Most of them have tried to quit... but we all know what a pain in the ass that can be.

Now, thanks to the advances in microturboprop technology, smokers can get the nicotine they love while bypassing those pesky, cancerous lungs completely... with Analrettes! The PixWit applied one of Richard Quick's basic theories of success: when in doubt, use the back door.

Helping people switch from cancerous lungs to smoking bungs can be the business opportunity you've been looking for! Get off your butt and become an Analrettes Home Party hostess today... and Get Rich Quick!

[graphic & concept by PIXWIT, the undisputed leader in anal microturboprop technology]

Monday, August 21, 2006

Floyd Landis Hires Quick Public Relations Group


P.R. guru rescues embattled cyclist; Solicits input from cycling community.
Embattled American cycling legend and 2006 Tour De France Winner Floyd Landis has retained Quick Public Relations Group as his image management and crisis management agency of record. Quick Public Relations Group, home of the QuickSpin™ Publicity Management System, is owned by public relations wizard and self-made billionaire Richard Quick, Esq., who will personally oversee the account.

Said Landis: "I am grateful that Mr. Quick, Esq. accepted me as a client. I feel that an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. He has opened my eyes to the many creative options available for my future. I apologized profusely to Mr. Quick for not having hired QPRG earlier, and, in addition to grovelling, have offered to teach his future children how to ride bikes, if and when he has them, and I have promised to name my bicycle The Spirit of Richard Quick, Esq.. Please direct all future media inquiries to my new spokeman, Richard Quick, Esq."

Billionaire pitchman Quick, who hails from the same PA Dutch area as Landis, made his first million at age 12 trading whoopie pie futures on the options exchange. How he built an empire with investment ventures as diverse as Internet Lotteries, male enhancement products, gently war-torn real estate and Get Rich Quick! schemes is the stuff of legend. Many industry experts credit "R.Q." with the popularization of "Spam" as a legitimate direct-sales technique. He has nurtured and mentored many legendary marketers, from Don Lapre to Benny Hinn to Karl Rove.

Quick Solicits Cycling Community Input
Despite his considerable success in every endeavor, Richard Quick, Esq. remained humble, stating: "I do not have all the answers, but I do know this: Floyd Landis is a true American hero at a time when we need true American heroes. I am going to reach out to the American cycling community for input and support to learn what they think is the best course of action for Floyd Landis. There is a great amount at stake here. We are not just fighting for one man's reputation. We are fighting for Cycling. We are fighting for Goodness. Truth. And Democracy. We are fighting, in no uncertain terms, for the very soul of America."

Richard Quick, Esq. then asked American bicycling enthusiasts to share their votes by leaving comments on his Get Rich Quick! blog as to whether Floyd should 1) Admit Guilt regardless of guilt or innocence, 2) Claim he was framed by Al-Qaida, and call for the immediate bombing of the French cycling team, 3)Attend Fawnia's Exotic Dance School
, or 4) some other suggestion.

Richard Quick, Esq. closed by thanking PixWit for his fine graphic contribution to the campaign, and for supporting America with his world-class Art Gallery. "If we inadvertently bomb the Louvre," quipped Quick, "We'll still have"

What's Floyd Landis' Next Move?

LEAVE A COMMENT. Win a Psychic Reading.
Richard Quick, Esq. wants YOUR opinion on Floyd Landis' next best move.
Should Floyd Landis:
1) Admit Guilt regardless of guilt or innocence?
2) Claim he was framed by Al-Qaida, and call for the immediate bombing of the French cycling team?
3) Attend Fawnia's Exotic Dance School?
4) do something else?

To claim your FREE PSYCHIC READING from world renowned affiliate psychic Sara "I knew you were going to do that!" Freder, simply scroll down the sidebar to the right, clicking on the many surefire, moneymaking opportunities along the way, until you see the subtle flashing banner reading "Free Psychic Reading." Click on the banner... if you dare!

Friday, August 18, 2006

Trust, Verify, & Get a Free Psychic Reading!

Check out Trust but Verify's coverage of the Floyd Landis controversy. Although TBV has not come out and said as much, I will assume he's in complete agreement with my position and in admiration of my insight. And since he linked to me and responded to my blatant traffic-whoring with grace and aplomb, I shall reciprocate manyfold to Trust but verify, as is my way. That blog again: Trust but Verify.

TBV also had a fine moneymaking suggestion: Start a religion! In truth, I have started several including Morrism, and the Interfaith church of New Utopia, but TBV has a fine suggestion to get important tips from the best practices of The Church of Scientology. TBV suggests visiting the expose site Operation Clambake as sort of a how-to primer for raking in the dough from... the Masters.

For this excellent tip, TBV is entitled to a FREE PSYCHIC READING from Miss Sara Freeder. Ok, Ok, you can have one too! Just click on the flashing banner ad down on the right. It's the one flashing the words FREE PSYCHIC READING.

An Open letter to Floyd Landis PART TWO (or, What Would Rich Quick Do?)

[For image & t-shirt info, scroll to bottom of post]
Dear Floyd (cont.):

By now you are asking yourself: WWMRQED*?

The solution is simple: ADMIT YOUR GUILT.

Repeat after me: I did it. I, Floyd Landis, am guilty.

But Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.! you exclaim. I'm innocent!

Floyd, baby, I could care less. Innocence, guilt... it's irrelevant. What counts, son, is the STORY. So follow along with me here, and try to pay attention. Here, take one of these if you're getting drowsy.

No one except your mother (and she has her doubts) will ever believe you 100%. You will always be tainted goods unless you confess. after your suspension, you’ll be relegated to morally indifferent or low budget sponsors (How does Team Wild Bill’s Beef Jerky sound to you?)

So confess. Get everyone on the same page. During Year One you will tour the country and speak to school groups about staying off drugs, about playing fair, about always wearing a helmet while riding and the importance of eating vegetables. You will come out with a book in which you claim that getting caught was the best thing that ever happened because you had become so obsessed with winning that you had lost yourself, your soul and your faith in the process. Oprah will publish it and make you a regular guest. You’ll do interviews on Good Morning America, the 700 Club, and you’ll be the self-deprecating guest-host of Saturday Night Live. You will credit God and family and America for giving you a second chance.

In your book you will admit that you started experimenting with performance enhancement when you were a boy in Lancaster County. You remember an Amish dealer feeding you performance-enhancing whoopie pies that enabled you to bring his crops in three months early AND make 125 shoofly pies in a single weekend. Your addiction escalated from there.

Year Two you will train by bicycling in your home state of Pennsylvania, where Governor Ed Rendell will change the state slogan to read: “Pennsylvania. Now Steroid-Free!” The Pennsylvania Dutch Visitor & Convention Bureau will blow their entire year’s ad budget to become a sponsor. Sponsors will line up to be part of your historic drug-free comeback. We’ll run an ad campaign in which you promise the only performance enhancing substances in your system are Lancaster County Shoo-Fly Pie, Wheaties, Gatorade, NutriGrain bars and [insert more big dollar sponsor names here].

Your Tour De France comeback win will be glorious, meaningful and the most lucrative in history. You will be the most visible and sought-after company spokesman ever, a born-again health advocate and spokesperson for the cause of good old-fashioned Honesty. Your books will outsell Dr. Phil’s. Your story miraculous comeback will make Lance Armstrong's story yesterday's news... and you won't even have to lose a single testicle in the process.

Years from now, when ready to retire from cycling, you will release your memoirs in which you admit that the whole thing was a hoax, that you never used steroids or performance-enhancing drugs at all, but that no one would believe you. Your memoirs will be the best-selling book of all time and you will be on talk show after talk show, telling how you lied to tell the truth, how you sacrificed your good name to spread a positive message. The media won’t be too hard on you for your deception because, after all, the plan was there in plain sight from the beginning, published as “An Open Letter to Floyd Landis from Millionaire Richard Quick,” but no one had bothered to pay attention.

So call me, Floyd, and we’ll get the wheels turning on your amazing comeback! Of course, there will be some contractual obligations that you must make to me and some of my QuickCo Companies, but you can trust me that I am looking out for your best interest.

See you on the veranda!,

Richard Quick, Esq.
Chairman & CEO
Quick Public Relations Group,
Home of the QuickSpin™ Publicity Management System

*What Would Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. Do?

Image of Floyd Landis above is courtesy of the Floyd Landis is the Man blog, where you'll find other cool Floyd Landis images that are available as T-shirts at the Floyd Landis is the Man Cafe Press site. Any and ALL proceeds from t-shirt sales will be donated to the Floyd Landis Foundation - Supporting Osteoarthritis Research and Treatment. Don't ask me why they give away their hard-earned t-shirt money... maybe they need the write-off. Not something Richard Quick would do!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

An Open Letter TO Floyd Landis, PART ONE

Dear Mr. Landis:
I am dismayed with the dismal performance of your publicity and/or crisis management team, and the fiasco that has ensued following the release of your test results. They obviously failed to have a crisis response plan in place, and their handling of your positive testosterone test results is a shameful. Had you retained Quick Public Relations Group, home of the QuickSpin™ Publicity Management System, rather than some latte-drinking California publicist, we would have nipped this in the bud with a QuickSpin™ solution:


That’s right, the “W. Gambit”: Blame it on terrorists.

You should have immediately pointed out that there thousands of hateful individuals in this world whose ambition in life is to discredit America in the world press. Do you think these America-haters will sit idly by while a Pennsylvania farm boy waves the American flag on television broadcasts and magazine covers across the globe? Testosterone cream could have been transmitted through a handshake, a water bottle, a misting of your bicycle seat. If you were my client, you would have looked directly into the camera and said:
“I want to make it clear that I am NOT saying that this ‘dosing’ was necessarily Al Qaida operatives being assisted by the French and/or illegal aliens. It could have been any one of dozens of groups. But whomever it was, America, let’s not give them what they want. Let’s not concede to the wishes of terrorists. Let’s not let them win.”

I would have written you a poem, which we would have turned into a country song. It would be called “Tour de America” and we’d have it sung by Kenny Chesney or Willie Nelson and you’d be raking in royalties right now. In fact, I did write you a poem:

“Tour de America” by Millionaire Richard Quick.

Instead of skulking around, whining about your innocence, right now you’d be meeting with the President, Cheney, Rumsfeld, and I, discussing air strikes against French racing teams. That’s the power of the Quick Public Relations Group QuickSpin™ Publicity Management System.

But there’s an even better solution to your problem, one that will make you HAPPY that this misfortune befell you. As you’ll learn, no one can find the “fortune” in misfortune like Richard Quick! But Floyd, you’ll have to wait for OPEN LETTER PART TWO for the most brilliant solution you’ve ever heard.

Get your checkbook out, Mr. Floyd.

See you on the veranda!

Millionaire Richard Quick Esq.
Founder and SpinMaster
Quick Public Relations Group,
Home of the QuickSpin™ Publicity Management System

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

GET RICH QUICK: Become an Exotic Dancer!

Just because you're not exactly a rocket surgeon doesn't mean you can't be a millionaire. You can be! You just need to believe in yourself, and be 100% committed to finding, and exposing, your hidden assets. That's all it takes... that and a diploma from Fawnia's Exotic Dance School & Pole Studio!

Don't have time to earn a four-year degree in lap dancing! No problem. Fawnia's Exotic Dance School takes place right in your own VCR or DVD player. Can't afford to buy the whole "course." No worries: Your husband or boyfriend will buy it for you!*

[Click on the LEARN EXOTIC DANCING banner to visit Fawnia's Exotic Dance School]

Many millionaires got their starts as exotic dancers, escorts and/or call girls: Leona Helmsly, Gwen Hammond, Martha Stewart, Dr. Ruth... The list is endless. Believe me, I have put a few into the upper income bracket all by myself.

Pole dancing is great for:
  • Bachelorette Parties
  • Birthdays
  • Spa Getaways
  • Wedding gift, perfect for second marriages.
  • Getting over your Ex.
  • Winning back your Ex from that trailer trash hooker
  • New Mom’s, feel sexy as you get back into shape!
Gentlemen: Buy your spouse or girlfriend the Exotic Dance School DVD series (Heck, buy a set for each) and show her that you believe in her, that she is beautiful and has tremendous earning potential. She'll thank you for it... and so will your buddies.

*Don't have a husband or boyfriend? Exotic Dancing just might not be the right career for you. Scroll down to view Richard Quick's 101 Ways to Get Rich Quick! There are many choices that do not require face-to-face interaction with the public.

Should the U.S. Invade France? Vote here.

Should the U.S. Invade France? Vote here by leaving a comment. "Yes" "Immediately" and "Nuke'm" and "Do it for Tour de France winner Floyd Landis!" are all acceptable entries. By now it's clear that the French aided and abetted the Al-Qaida terrorist plot to discredit and embarrass Tour De France winner Floyd Landis, and in discrediting Tour de France winner Floyd Landis, to embarrass and disgrace all Americans, and all fans of Tour De France winner Floyd Landis. So let's send a message to terrorists around the world that when you mess with an american, you mess with America. And when you mess with America, we'll mess you up. We're hitting the French... hard. We're taking their race. We're taking their wine. We're shaving and taking their women. And they better all be speaking English by the time we return.


Keywords: Floyd Landis, Lloyd Flandis, Tour de Frandis, Tour de France, Tour de Farce, Landis, Floyd, "Floyd Landis, P.I." Testosterone, Performance enhancing, Steroids, moron liberals, "Landis. Floyd Landis." Floyd Clamdip, Ployed Lambits, Floyd Landis, Floyd Landis, The Terrorists Planned this! Soy Lambisque.

Monday, August 14, 2006

"Tour de America" A Tribute to Patriot Floyd Landis

by Richard Quick, Esq.

America, stand by your hero, Floyd Landis!
For Al-Qaida terrorists surely did plan this.
To disgrace the U.S., they sent their best henchmen,
Assisted by tight-shorted weasily Frenchmen.

The Al-Qaida bike team's the worst in the land.
They ride in full robes & get stuck in the sand.
America's dominance had them annoyed.
They plotted attacks on our pretty boy, Floyd.

Testosterone pollen they sprayed on his flowers.
Creme Rinse with Steroids! they put in his shower.
His bike seat infected his buttocks & thighs
With terrorist skin cream, covertly applied.

Hornswaggled, bamboozled, both set-up & framed.
Flim-flammed, lambasted & Valerie-Plamed.
Osama's delighted with his little scam
But thanks to our intel, we're on to his plan!

It's time we defended our tracks, field & courts
From terrorist scandals that threaten our sports.
Covert operations from terrorist foes
Claimed Bonds, Janet Jackson, & even Pete Rose.

Let's blow up the French team, both riders & bikes!
Hit smart-ass dope testers with surgical strikes!
Bin Laden we'll ride off a cliff in the Alps
And festoon our bikes with fresh Al-Qaida scalps!

Let's invade some country, drop bombs 'til they're free!
Put yellow shirt decals on our SUVs!
The Cycle of Violence is ours to win
(Sponsored by FOX Sports, by NIKE & Schwinn).

The French stole our victory to anger and vex us
So let's seize their bike race & move it to Texas
Yes, Tour de America has a nice ring!
Three cheers for Floyd Landis! Of Landis we sing!

© 2006 Richard Quick, Esq.. Used by permission. You may link to this poem (, but not reproduce it. Image is used by permission, and is licensed under the Creative Commons.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

GET RICH QUICK: Selling Look Rich Quick! Graphics

Now you can get rich by helping others look rich, knowing they'll never be rich because they spend their time and energy trying to look rich unlike you who will get rich because you spend your time and energy becoming rich by aggregating the money of those who are trying to look rich and, in so doing, will both be AND look rich... Selling Look Rich Quick! Garage Graphics!

GET RICH QUICK: Start a Bumvertising Agency

Now you can get paid for sitting on your bum... as owner of your own BumVertising Agency!


Bumvertising™, or the use of sign holding vagrants to advertise, is a
development of's most recent advertising
campaign. Homeless men are able to provide a valuable and tangible service to a
company, while receiving an additional revenue stream in combination with their
normal donations from begging.

Benjamin Rogovy, president and chief economist of Front Door
Enterprises, developed this system after realizing the enormous potential in
wasted homeless labor. Bums use a business model that takes advantage of high
volume traffic, with the expectation that, on average, a certain number of
people will donate to them in the form of cash, clothing, or food.

Why advertise when you can BUMvertise?

GET RICH QUICK: Automated Bovid Dispensers Franchise

You can take control of your future and get in on the hottest new trend... as an Automated Bovid Dispenser franchise owner!

Our state-of-the-art ABD dispensories eliminate the problems that plagued mechanized bovid retailers for years. No more gnawing from the inside out. No more annoying goat sounds or sour-milk smell. And with our top-of-the-line RuminantPlus model*, you can stock and dispense Ibex, East or West Caucasian Tur, Markhor, Wild Goat, or any of other species of genus Capra.

Now you can meet the need for fresh Capra aegagrus hircus with on-site automatic convenience... with the franchise that works for you 24/7! Start building your future as an Automated Bovid Dispenser franchise owner today!

*Master Cud Adapter Module Available, but sold separately.
The cloven hoof and dynamic pentagram device are registered service marks of QuickCo Corp. Unauthorized use is prohibited by law.