Wednesday, June 28, 2006

GET RICH QUICK: Renting Negroes!

Start a Negro Rental Service.
Those wacky negros. Is there anything they can't do? And since we can't buy them anymore (supposedly), there's a big demand for rentals. Now you can turn the demand for America's favorite minority into a great business you can run from the other side of town. Or get ahead of the curve with a Latino Leasing, Temp-Iranians, Contract a Canuck, or Rent to Own an Asian Agency.

Who loves black people? Check out Sally & John. They love their black friends, who love them back.

[Check out damali's actual site, and her myspace page: After the rent-a-negro website, damali wrote the book, "how to rent a negro," elaborating on the concept. It is broken up into a section for potential renters and a section for potential rentals. you can find out more about her book on as well. A good lesson in how to get a lot of mileage from a single joke.]

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

GET RICH QUICK: Sell Guinea Pig Costumes!

You think YOU have trouble coming up with a Halloween costume? Imagine how hard it is for Guinea Pigs! These little fellas have quite the identity conflict brewing anyway, since they're neither dago guineas nor are they pigs. You can make MILLIONS helping to add to the confusion, just like the creative folks have done over at Cuddly Cavies, where these fine creative designs are from. Cuddly Cavies. It's your online Guinea Pig Costume Superstore!

Saturday, June 24, 2006


Richard Quick, Esq. knows a winning, surefire, can't miss investment opportunity when he sees one, and EZ Toyz is a winner. Want proof? Just read this excerpt from their website:

Want to make $100,000+ a year?
An exciting investment opportunity for
entrepreneurs interested in making unlimited income distributing Licensed, Brand
Name products!
No Experience
Restock Profitable Accounts
Licensed Products
Part-Time or Full-Time
Work From Home
No Overhead
Financial Opportunities
Long History of Success

Go to the EZ Toyz! website and delve deep into this moneymaker!

GET RICH QUICK: Sell Cute Lil Fetuses

If you could sell cute lil fetuses like the cute lil fetuses from FetusMart, I bet you'd GET RICH QUICK!

Lots of people are crazy about fetuses. They'll fight to the death to protect'm.

Others don't seem to get what the big fuss about fetuses is. They're all for flushing them.

If you decide to sell fetuses like those from FetusMart, I'd suggest you market to the former group, not the latter. You may want to use a playful marketing approach, like: "Hey, you love fetuses so much, how about buying a few?"

Consider charging a premium for the Ninja Fetus, since he comes with a sword.

GET RICH QUICK: Sell Republican Clothing!

Fishermen have a saying: "Fish where the fish are biting."

We millionaires also have a saying: "Sell where the money is."

It's only logical that if you want to make money selling clothing, sell good solid Republican clothing. Liberal's clothing budgets are ridiculously small, since, when it comes to spending, clothing and hygiene products lose out to priority budget items such as illicit drugs, skim soy lattes & abortions.

Sell Republican Clothing and make a bundle like the enterprising right wing retailers at RightWingClothing.Com.

GET RICH QUICK: Spread the word of Cheezus!

Help others find Cheezus and rack up divine riches: as a sales rep for Cheezus Industries, the international distributor of premium quality, religious-themed cheese sculptures.

This is truly a way for you to do well by doing good. You'll not only lead lost sheep to the heavenly cheese spread that can resurrect the dullest parties, but you'll receive a handsome reward for every sales convert!

With Cheezus on your side, how can you lose?

Get Rich Quick: Start a Christian Dollar Store!

Like you, I'm a sucker for bargains. Unlike you, I'm a major shareholder in WAL MART, a billionaire (multi-millionaire to the IRS) and have an entire research company to evaluate my crackpot ideas at my whim. So I ran a couple of value-store ideas up the flagpole at Quick Reasearch Group to see how viable they would be.

My first idea was a bargain store for the ultra-wealthy called Everything's-A-Million! Cars, planes, boats, trophy wives... it would all be there, and all priced at $1 Million even. The research came back unconclusive, so we're still fine-tuning the concept.

The second idea was an immediate winner: The Christian dollar store. The research group said that my original idea was brilliant (of course) and that the concept had a nearly 100% likelihood of success, supported by the fact that ChristianDollarStore.Com was already doing it.

So we decided to create a manufacturing company to produce Christian "trinket and trash (as we affectionately refer to our divine product line). So now you can GET RICH QUICK! selling quality Christian products like Bible tins with cross-shaped mints, American "Fish Flag" pins (pictured), Tangy scripture candy, and t-shirts that read "Jesus. Sweet Savior. King of Kings" designed to look like the Reeses Peanut Butter Cups logo... And I'll get even richer selling you garageloads of the stuff!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

GET RICH QUICK: With Gwen's Secret AutoErotic Asphyxia Home Parties!

AutoErotic Asphyxia is the latest craze sweeping the nation, especially among the lucrative demographic of credit-card debt laden wine swilling divorced disillusioned and despondent democratic housewives who realize their lives are just plain going nowhere. But there's a problem: where do you find the right accessories, the ones that are both functional and stylish? And who can show them how to use them?

The short answer: YOU. That's right. You. You can be a Gwen's Secret Hostess, hosting your own in-home parties, selling the chic new scarves and accessories in a dizzying array of styles and colors. And best yet, your secret will be that while the girls are "tying one on" at your home party, your boyfriend can be burglarizing their unattended homes.

Don't worry. They're insured!

Learn Gwen's Secret at her website.

GET RICH QUICK: Sell "Hammies" The Bengal Burgers

My God, this Gwen Hammond is on fire! The entrepreneurial ideas and business developments emerging from Hammond Corporation of late are amazing! I haven't been this proud of Gwenny since she sucker-punched Martha Stewart for sneezing into her Hammond Scarf.

Well, give your neighbors in the trailer park something exotic to grill this summer rather than the same old burgers, hotdogs and roadkilled possum. Through the Hammond Home parties program, you can sell frozen endangered meats to your friends and neighbors and make a killing in no time. As Gwen loves to say (when drunk): They'll scarf them up!

Learn more at Gwen Hammond's Upper Echelon.

MultiFamily Chateau: Rendition Ready!

It's time to get your real estate career Iraq'n Rolling with this one-of-kind property from Greenline Real Estate, a (Quick &) Hammond Company. This luxury Chateau is 100% insurgent-free, and is perfectly suited for multiple families. Amenities include fortified sniper perch and pre-pitted exterior AND interior walls. The extraordinary rendition chamber is completely soundproof with a discrete, unlit rear door, making extra rental income generation a no-brainer!

Call soon, because this bargain could disappear at any moment!

Gorgeous 2 story, 4 bedroom Iraqi chateau in the Aswah-Hedelfah neighborhood of quaint, historic Olde Al-Mansur.
Category - house/compound
Grave type - medium to shallow
Address - Located near Al-Mansur, Iraq
For Sale/Rent by - Green Line Real Estate
Construction Year - n/a
Reason for selling - Classified
AMENITIES: Mudbrick walls 4 bedrooms elec. and water currently avail. Quiet, increasingly spacious street Extraordinary rendition chamber is soundproof with private access fortified sniper perch with magnificent view 100% insurgent-free

Property Listings are courtesy Greenline Real Estate, a (Quick &) Hammond Company. Not affiliated with the U.S. Government, Central Intelligence Agency or affiliates.

GET RICH QUICK: Sell slightly war-torn real estate!

Thanks to the new Green Line Real Estate Co., the dinar bell is ringing!

When life hands you lemons, do you make lemonade?

Is that bombed out crater half empty, or half full?

How you answer these questions may well determine whether you have the positive, wealth-building mindset it takes to GET RICH QUICK! in wartime real estate speculation, or whether you’ll continue to be a disappointment to your family and friends. If you answered 1) lemonade and 2) half full to the questions above, in that order, read on! You have what it takes to Get Rich Quick! from the new real estate opportunities of GREEN LINE REAL ESTATE CO., a (Quick &) Hammond Enterprise.

Since you have passed our initial screening, (and believe us, few make it this far. You are special!) we will now give you access to the top secret real estate tips that will make you as rich as a Halliburton. The tip of the week is: Ramadi. (No, not Ramada. Ramadi. )

Ramadi is an increasingly spacious town located just 110 kilometres west of Baghdad in Iraq's largest province. While some look at Ramadi and see a stronghold of insurgent forces and Islamic extremists, such as Abu Musab al-Zarqawi’s al-Qaeda group, and one of the most dangerous cities in the country, smart buyers like you see real estate bargains galore, where every building two-stories and taller with an accessible rooftop can generate lucrative rental income as sniper lookouts.

Real estate prices have fallen by 40 per cent over the last six months in Ramadi. 300-square metre houses which previously sold for about 100 million Iraqi dinars (about 67,800 US dollars) are now going for about 60 million dinars. Why? Because the residents don’t have your “millionaire mindset.” Ismael al-Dulaimi, a 38-year-old who owns or leases nearly 20 properties, recently said he is packing up and moving to Baghdad "so that my children can live a relatively normal life away from daily violence and terror." Just to get out of the city, Dulaimi sold the lease on 15 shops for a total of only seven million dinars (4,700 dollars) even though the 25-year arrangement was worth 15 million dinars. al-Dulaimi will never Get Rich Quick! In real estate with that outlook… but you can!
You’re the kind of person that, when life hands you ammonium nitrate and diesel fuel, you make something special out of it. And when Green Line Real Estate offers you the incredible investment properties we’ve listed below… it’s time for you to make a killing.

Exclusive Green Line Real Estate Property Listings for RAMADI, IRAQ:

Secure and secluded valley location full of breathtaking views, surrounded by manned watch-towers and minefields for your ultimate protection!
Category - lots/land
Address - Ramadi, Iraq
For Sale/Rent by - Green Line Real Estate
Construction Year - n/a
Area - 22,000 m2
AMENITIES: Mountain View Electric and water currently available Rock garden (native limestone!) Attached bunker
NOTES: Highly motivated sellers (deceased)

Sunday, June 18, 2006

GET RICH QUICK: Sell FUELISH! The Top Secret Gas Booster!

Wanna get rich? Then get FUELISH!

FUELISH! is the top secret gasoline booster pill that can increase fuel efficiency and mileage 50% OR MORE while actually REDUCING EMISSIONS (so take that you tree hugging vegenazis!) Think of FUELISH! as steroids for your gas tank. And now, through an exclusive top secret program developed by QuickTech Labs, you can get as fat and rich as Lee Iaococa... by selling secret FUELISH! products to your friends and neighbors!

Through the FUELISH! investor program, you'll be richer than the neighborhood crack dealer... only without the funny clothes, late hours and jail time. Your friends and neighbors will love you because they won't have to eat macaroni & cheese every night while their SUV is suck'n down filet mignon. They'll be lined up at your back door with their money waving, begging you to let them score some of your FUELISH! top secret gas enhancement pills.

Richard Quick, Esq. and QuickTech Labs are offering this exclusive dealership opportunity to a limited number of savvy entrepreneurs who aren't afraid to invest in a sure thing, and, most importantly, know how to keep a secret. The major oil companies don't want word getting out about FUELISH! the top secret gas booster for obvious reasons, so be sure not to mention it to anyone except paying customers, especially local law enforcement, your brother-in-law the mechanic, the EPA or consumer and anti-fraud groups, the other overly serious & squealers.

Sign up for Richard Quick, Esq.'s Get Rich Quick! wealth-building newsletter for details!
Sign up for Get Rich Quick! the Newsletter and you'll Get Rich Quick! Guaranteed!

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Sell HandJobs

Become a Hand Job Wax distributer and Get Rich Quick!

Learn more at Hand Job Wax.

Open a Gun Store Tattoo Parlor

Just be sure your tattoo artist is very good and your customer service is top notch.

GET RICH QUICK: Open a Betty Davis BBQ Shop!

After being disillusioned with the Hollywood scene and the lack of serious roles for women, Bette Davis changed her name back to its original spelling, returned to her home in Mississippi and to her first love: BBQ.

Now you can become a star by delighting your town with the two great taste that taste great together.

GET RICH QUICK: The Happy Hooker Bait Shop

As an owner of a Happy Hooker Bait Shop franchise, you'll be privvy to the many secrets to our success. And best yet: you won't have to sell bait!

GET RICH QUICK: The Big Green Mystical Ball

I travelled the globe, sometimes in very primitive conditions with only luxury accomodations and twin supermodels to console me, in order to find - for you - the world's most amazing business opportunities. Your wealth was my only concern. And let me tell you, from the golden towers of Khartoum to diamond mines of Siam, I saw nothing more amazing - nor more a powerful engine for wealth creation - than the Big Green Mystical Ball.

It will change your life and, in doing so, blow your mind. So use it with caution. And use only as directed.

Keep Gonig

GET RICH QUICK: Open a Dangerous Animal Petting Zoo

Funny, but true, story: We actually opened our first DAPZY's! Dangerous Animal Petting Zoo in order to drum up business for some of our other concepts (LEND A HAND Rent-to-Own Prosthetics, Out on a Limb Prosthetics to Go! and THE SECOND HAND STORE Slightly used Limbs) But it was so successful, we now offer it as a stand-alone franchise!

Experience growth in the double digits... As the owner of the DAPZY's! Dangerous Animal Petting Zoo in your town!

GET RICH QUICK: Open a Squat 'N Gobble franchise!

First came the Squat franchise which was an overnight success. Then we met the need for high quality gobbling with the Gobble franchise, which rivaled Squat with its meteoric rise in popularity. And now, we've outdone ourselves once again by combining two of the hottest names in franchising into one incredible opportunity:

The Squat 'n Gobble Franchise!

While there's no such thing as a sure thing, there's no doubt you'll soon be Squat 'n Gobbling all the way to the bank... Guaran-damn-teed!

JUST IMAGINE HOW PROUD YOU'LL FEEL TELLING YOUR FAVORITE OFFSPRING "SOMEDAY, SON, THE SQUAT 'N GOBBLE WILL BE YOURS!" And feel how good it will be to tell the rest of the lazy slackers: "Have fun with your video games, and rap music and books, because you'll never see a dime from the Squat 'N Gobble. And neither will your drunken tramp of a mother!"

GET RICH QUICK: Open a San Francisco Sausage Co. Franchise

Quick Research Group identified this successful Old World concept and test marketed it in focus groups in markets across the nation. The sign & brand image scored very high in the San Francisco and Key West Markets. So we are relainching it with the same signage under the name San Francisco Sausage Co. It may be co-branded with our concept THE FUDGE PACKERY which features young workers singing show tunes (with the humorous fudge-related lyrics) while they mix and pack fresh fudge on-site, in view of the customer.

Get Rich Quick: Sell Snake Penis Capsules Medicine

A great man once said: If you want to be rich, you must set your own course. When others zig, you must zag. When others zag, get ziggy.

That great man, my students of wealth-building, was me.

So while others waste their time selling products people want and providing services people need, you must take the road less travelled or, in fact, not travelled at all.

Sell Snake Penis Capsules Medicine. It is your destiny.

GET RICH QUICK: Open an Alter Ego Rehabilitation Clinic

Dr. Jess is one of the foremost Alter Ego Rehabilitation specialists in the BlogoShere, having personally counselled many high profile alter egos including Fast Food Poet Angus O'Mann, Heiress and Scarf Mogel Gwen Hammond, Intergalactic gadabout Captain Berk, and international spiritual leader and founder of the Morrism Movement, Old Man Morri.

Now Dr. Jess's proprietary system for curing those with too many personalities and too much money is an exciting business opportunity... through the Simpson Alter Ego Rehabilitation Center franchise. Just look around your neighborhood to see all the undiagnosed and untreated fictional alter egos: compassionate republicans, the caring, concerned Christians, and the committed liberals with an action plan for change should fill your facility to capacity in no time!

[Photo Credit: Dr. Jess. From the Simpson Foundation Collection]

[NOTE: Tabloid assertions that the intermittent, torrid and highly publicized love affair between Dr. Jess and Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. began when Mr. Quick was a patient at Ms. Jess's rehab hospital are unsubstantiated and litigious. The very act of thinking about these rumors, much less discussing them aloud, could result in your being named in the upcoming lawsuit. General Counsel, Law Firm of Quick, Duhk & Hyde]

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Richard Quick, Esq. announces the formation of the NAAWP


Richard Quick, Esq. announced today that he has begun to lay the groundwork for what will be the world's largest and most progressive non-profit organization dedicated to the protection and preservation of the rights of the wealthiest 5% of our country, and to celebrate the ongoing contributions these individuals have made to progress and the American way of life. The organization is to be called the National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People, or N.A.A.W.P..

It seems that, right off the bat, there is some group trying to emulate Quick's group with a copycat name, calling their group the N.A.A.C.P. (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People." How racially insensitive a name is that?) Richard Quick, Esq. has contacted this group and notified them that he will allow their continued use conditionally, as long as they include a disclaimer ("Not affiliated with the National Association For the Advancement of Wealthy People.") in all their communications.

No reply has been received as of yet. Stay tuned.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Get Rich Quick: Mooncake, Meatfloss & CuttleFish Franchise

Open a Bee Cheng Hiang bakkwa restaurant right in your subdivision and Get Rich Quick!

The Bee Cheng Hiang business-format franchise incorporates the Bee Cheng Hiang trademark and products. Their main product range includes bakkwa (barbecued meat), meat floss, chinese sausages, mooncakes and snacks (cuttlefish).

Learn more at the Bee Cheng Hiang webpage:

Get Rich Quick: Become a Lip Balm Addiction Counselor

This is a serious addiction sweeping the nation. And contrary to the sterotypes, this is not simply a disease which afflicts skidrow chaps and competitive skiiers.

Learn more by clicking here!


Own your own business. Be your own boss. work from home. Own a franchise. franchise your business. Make MLM multilevel marketing millions and entrepreneurial business billions with the ideas of Richard Quick, Esq., America's most beloved and trusted millionaire and the world's foremost expert on talking about wealth.

Get Rich Quick: Sell Doggy EyeWear!

What are Doggles(R)? Goggles for dogs, of course! Unlike ordinary sunglasses for dogs, Doggles actually protect dog’s eyes from foreign objects, wind, and UV light.

Doggles has a website at, you guessed it, and a wholesale inquiry form for those interested in helping to "keep the world safe... one dog at a time!"

Photograph is the property of Doggles

Sell Immortality. That's right. IMMORTALITY!

A key to Getting Rich Quick! is having a product with instant appeal... one that's always in demand.

A product like, say, eternal life.

Sell immortality with Alex Chiu's Eternal Life Device! Become an affiliate reseller of visionary and genius Alex Chiu's fast-selling products, including his Eternal Life Device, and products Gorgeouspil, and Chi Flush.

Tell Alex that his buddy Richard Quick, Esq. sent you, and you'll be his friend for life. With Alex, that's a long time!

Sell Peace of Mind!

Sell Peace of Mind with an AFDB franchise! According to the website, "An Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB) is a type of headwear that can shield your brain from most electromagnetic psychotronic mind control carriers." Do not wear when visiting my site.

Tell'em Richard Quick, Esq. sent you and ask for your complimentary foil gift.

Get Rich Quick: Sell Child Confinement & Transport Products

For instance, you could Become a BabyCage Distributor.

Not only will you make piles of cash, you'll be helping to form tomorrow's docile, housebroken consumers and voters.

Get Rich Quick: Start your own Pet Island!

Start your own Pet Island! Dog Island is a tropical success story, but there's a lot of room in the growing pet resort industry. For instance, no one has seized the low-cost tier of pet vacation spots. Parrot Apartment? Boxer Basement? Kitty Warehouse?

Get Rich Quick: Start your own Pet Island!

Start your own Pet Island! Dog Island is a tropical success story, but there's a lot of room in the growing pet resort industry. For instance, no one has seized the low-cost tier of pet vacation spots. Parrot Apartment? Boxer Basement? Kitty Warehouse?

Get Rich Quick: Open a Male Pregnancy Clinic.

Open a Male Pregnancy Clinic. At last, technology has made the genders equal, and eliminated nature's liberal, feminist bias.

Don't forget to tell'm Dick Quick sent you!

Get Rich Quick: Start a Home Lasik Surgery Center!

Turn that spare bedroom into a Home Lasik Surgery Center!

Buy one of these special kits and you can laser-correct your own eyeballs, then offer the popular surgery to friends and family at a fraction of what hospitals and medical doctors charge.

Sell Fashionable Male Lipstick

People will be kissing up to you for a change when you are at the forefront of the cosmetic trend now sweeping Paris, San Francisco and Ernie's All-NITE Truckstop on I-80.

Sell Shades, the Lipstick for Men. Create a compelling line of shades that set of the natural contours of the male face, and you can kiss your money troubles behind.

Get Rich Quick: Sell Shards O'Glass Freeze Pops

You know that Richard Quick, Esq. is the nation's #1 expert on speaking about wealth-building, millionaire making and billionaire building. I am searching the world over to find the ideas, techniques and business opportunities that will enable YOU to live the life of your dreams, even if you have no special skills, work ethic, or a shred of common sense. If you are capable of sitting on a folding chair on one of my infomercials, and reading a testimonial from the teleprompter without asking any probing questions, you can be a millionaire like me.

Here's another great way you can Get Rich Quick:

Sell Shards O' Glass Freeze Pops Frozen treats are a hot market! But ice cream, frozen yogurt, and Italian Ice are past their prime. Get in on the trend toward glass-enriched frozen treats with Shards O' Glass Freeze Pops, the nation's top-selling frozen treats containing glass shards.

Some might say:
But Richard, aren't shards of glass bad for you? Of course they are!
Will people buy them? You BET they will!
Are they profitable? You have no idea, my friends.

So contact Shards O'Glass Freeze Pops to inquire about their independent home sales rep program, and don't forget to tell them Richard Quick, Esq. sent you!

Get Rich Quick: Import Minnesota Coconuts!

Import Gourmet Coconuts from Minnesota. Minnesota is the coconut capitol of the upper Midwest. Now you can get in on this pre-ground floor phenomenon and meet the need for high-quality Minnesota coconuts before there even IS a need! Don't hesitate, lest someone else become known as "Mr. Minnesota Coconut" in your town.

When you contact Donald Hoe at the Minnesota Coconut Growers Association, don't forget to tell'em Richard Quick, Esq. sent you.

Get Rich Quick: Sell your immortal soul!

While this isn't an optimal time for selling your soul (seems the market's a bit glutted), it could still provide the seed money you need to pursue some of my other Get Rich Quick! ventures.

WWYS (We Want Your Soul) at pays a competitive rate, even for those heavily leveraged Republican souls. Tell them Richard sent you, and ask for your free bonus gift!

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Inspirational Quotes on Getting... and Being... Rich

On the Burdens of Being Rich.
"All but the hard hearted man must be torn with pity for this pathetic dilemma of the rich man, who has to keep the poor man just stout enough to do the work and just thin enough to have to do it." G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936) It's a daily challenge and, frankly, gets tiring. Thank god for fine scotch and full body massages.

"In Appalachia, children were stunted by poverty. In Affluencia, children are stunted by wealth." Steve Blow (Dallas Morning News, March 4, 2001) While Bono and movie stars are constantly shown boo-hooing about malnutrition, world hunger, blah blah blah, when was the last time the liberal media ran a story on the ravaging epidemic of Affluencia?

"The poor of the world cannot be made rich by redistribution of wealth. Poverty can't be eliminated by punishing people who've escaped poverty, taking their money and giving it as a reward to people who have failed to escape." P.J. O'Rourke Here, Here! But we are continually attacked by activist and liberal groups. Luckily, their members are mostly junior-college league lazy slackers without a pot to pee their Starbuck's-scented urine into.

"The contrast of affluence and wretchedness, continually meeting and offending the eye, is like the dead and living bodies, chained together." Tom Paine (1796) So true. There are many days that I walk amongst you people, feeling that I am chained to dead bodies I must drag along. But I do - without complaint - just like many of my affluent colleagues.

"Nature still obstinately refuses to co-operate by making the rich people innately superior to the poor people."Sidney and Beatrice Webb (1923) It's burdensome being superior. But don't worry. Nature will get what's coming to her.

"What's wrong with being rich in America?" Phil Gramm (former Texas Senator, July 14, 2000) Thank you, Phil. The truth is that we ultra-wealthy are often treated as if our success is something to be ashamed of. Why should we hide our wealth from anyone other than the IRS?

"I thought government was supposed to protect our property, not confiscate it, not penalize someone because they've been successful." Don Nickles (calling for repeal of the estate tax, 2000) Amen, brother!

"He who increases wealth increases worry." Talmud Few give us solace, credit or sympathy for the burden of worry we bear. The Jewish God who wrote the Talmud knows what I'm talking about.

"You have the pilots at your throat about vacation, that their wife is pregnant, why can't they have New Years Eve off? It's on and on and on." Arnold Schwarzenegger (discussing the trials of owning a Gulfstream jet). Everyone knows the trouble of not having money (well, most everyone), but few know the problems Arnold and I grapple with on a daily basis.

"It's not always the most popular person who gets the job done. " Gordon Gekko, in the movie "Wall Street" Being better than others can be very lonely at times.

"What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?" C. Montgomery Burns Luckily, most of the time it can.

"Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business." C. Montgomery Burns Fortunately, I didn't have to slay anything really important. Like, say, narcissism.

"You can be greedy and still feel good about yourself." Ivan Boesky (junk bond pioneer and self-help guru, 1986)

"[I]njustices survive, not merely because the rich exploit the poor, but because, in their hearts, too many of the poor admire the rich." R.H. Tawney If you don't think it's difficult being a role model and billionaire icon all the time, you should try it.

A Yearning for Earning.

"Money is my first, last, and only love." Armand Hammer (1898-1990)

"Money is the root of all good." T.J. Rodgers, chief executive of Cypress Semiconductors (2000)

"What's worth doing is worth doing for money." Gordon Gekko, in the movie "Wall Street"

"...Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of it's forms - greed for life, for money, knowledge - has marked the upward surge of mankind..." Gordon Gekko, in the movie "Wall Street"

"It's all about bucks, kid. The rest is conversation. " Gordon Gekko, in the movie "Wall Street"

"There's no nobility in poverty." Bud Fox in the movie "Wall Street"

Guilty as Charged!

"There are in the United States some few people richer than it is wholesome for people to be." Henry George (1890)

"Perhaps I am too cynical, but I believe there is a separate class of people in this country called Too Rich to Go to Prison." Molly Ivins I remember the day I was invited in to that class. A sweet memory indeed...

"Together the 400 richest Americans are worth more than $1 trillion. Just 400 people -- they could all stay at New York's Plaza Hotel at the same time -- are worth nearly one-eighth of the total gross domestic product of the United States, the world's richest economy." Holly Sklar (1999)

Miscellany of the profound and inspirational

"To suppose, as we all suppose, that we could be rich and not behave the way the rich behave, is like saying that we could drink all day and stay sober." L. P. Smith

"Wealth is the product of industry, ambition, character and untiring effort." Calvin Coolidge

"The properity of the lower and middle classes depends upon the good fortune and light taxes of the rich." Andrew Mellon (Treasury Secretary, 1921-1932)

"What I want to see above all is that this remains a country where someone can always get rich." Ronald Reagan

"Just give the great unwashed a pair of oversized breasts and a happy ending, and they'll 'oink' for more every time." C. Montgomery Burns

"Monday morning. Time to pay for your two days of debauchery, you hungover drones." C. Montgomery Burns

"Never tell the truth when a good lie'll do!" J.R. Ewing

[Some of these fine quotes were found on RQ]

Friday, June 09, 2006

Gwen Hammond's Upper Echelon: On the Morality of Rational Self-Interest

Gwen Hammond's Upper Echelon: On the Morality of Rational Self-Interest
I still don't know what Artabilious means or what these two are talking about. (I may have mentioned that mother forbade us from having a vocabulary, as she said it was beneath our station). But I have to admit I get aroused when dear Gwennie goes on her tirades!

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. named "Most Artabilious & Shallow"


It was announced that the National Board of Human Excellence and esteemed blog Cafe Ambivalence has awarded its highest honor upon Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq., philanderopist and beloved wealth builder. At an online ceremony earlier today, National Board of Human Excellence President Dr. Severenz named the beloved Quick the "Most Artabilious and Shallow," its most coveted award.

Quick's publicist released a prepared statement stating that, while the Millionaire had no idea what "Artabilious," means, has never heard of the National Board of Human Excellence nor Cafe Ambivalence, and doesn't know if Dr. Severenz is a "real" doctor, he was very honored nonetheless to accept this honor on behalf of humanity and wealthy people everywhere.

This award brings the number of awards and honorary degrees bestowed upon Richard Quick, Esq. and his blog, Get Rich Quick, to one.

NOTE TO LITERATE VISITORS: Please see the Dr. Severenz' award speech by clicking here. If you can even remotely explain what he is saying, please post it as a comment below. Richard will reward you handsomely.

Awards & Accolades for Richard Quick, Esq.'s "Get Rich Quick!"

As of June 7, 2006, Richard Quick, Esq.'s "Get Rich Quick!" blog has received the following Awards & Accolades:

Award: Bestowed by:

"Most Artabilious & Shallow" National Board of Human Excellence
"2006 HUBRIS AWARD" Cafe Ambivalence

Check back regularly for frequent updates to this list!

"This Just In... Your Blog Sucks"

The majority of blogs are pretentious, self-absorbed exercises in unwarranted egotism written by uninteresting people who somehow think the world is circled around, eager to read the uninteresting and unoriginal things they have to say.

Take, for instance, This Just in... Your Blog Sucks. Its stated purpose:

The goal of this blog is to give shitty writers the "green
light" to stop blogging and kill themselves and save the rest of the world
from being contaminated by their stupidity. Got a recommendation?

In fact, I do have a recommendation: Stop blogging. This guy, called "Who's your Daddy," screwed up a perfectly good idea - attacking shit blogs - by being a moron. So I gave him some recommendations of blogs to attack.

Real Headlines, Our News Take Should be renamed: Real headlines, inane, adolescent comments

Pissing and Moaning Reading this blog is like carpooling with a guy who loves to tell you about his bad case of diarrhea... every morning.

Chicago Bear Outsiders He's an outsider from more than the Bears.

Go Out Cheap in Bloomington, IL Diary of the creep eating alone at the next booth, writing reviews of his chalupa on his napkin, as if anyone anyone cares which coupon is his favorite or the sparkling bouquet of his Mountain Dew.

Local Bar and Restraunt Specials A vital and important blog. Because the world is eager for the dining opinions of someone who can't spell "restaurant."

I wonder how many of these he'll choose to disparage. Because he "writes" them all.

One thing is clear: After this stinging indictment, he'll think twice about attacking Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.!!!

READ his pathetic attempt to disparage this great man.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Another loser attacks RQ... and no one notices.

I guess I was insulted by some moron with a blog called This Just In... Your Blog Sucks.

The insult came back on March 9, 2006 but no one visits any of this guy's 20 pathetic blogs, which are in various states of abandon. I just noticed it when one of my servants handed me a list of the thousands of mentions of me there are on the Internet. This Just In... Your Blog Sucks showed up on the "Not worth viewing... pathetic losers" page.

The guy named Whosyourdaddy wrote this whole horrendous story back on March 9, trying to be clever, and absolutely no one even noticed.

Truth is, I thought: This Just In... Your Blog Sucks is a cool idea... a blog that disparages others, rips them to shreds... wish I thought of that!

Then I read another of his blogs, one about cheap eats in Bloomington "I'd rather die than live there" IL. These just made me sad.

Poor pathetic loser. If I were capable of pity, I'd heap some on this schmuck.

He actually writes a review of Quizno's as if its Chez Richard. He actually posts, in public, embarrassing lines like:
I love Quizno's. I recently moved to Morton just so I could be near one.
Bread - good. Meat - good. Sauce - good. Pepper bar - GOOOOOOOOOD!
After his $2 coupon, Quizno's still is an extravagent splurge:

OK, I love the place but $6 plus for a sammich (even with chips
and a drink) is too much for lunch.The sandwich itself was outstanding. The
main complaint I had was that the Diet Pepsi dispenser fizzes up so much you get
like half a cup once the foam subsides.

Oh My God, that's not enough. He adds this expert tip:

Tip: Sign up for Quizno's newsletter. Each month they send out an e-mail and you
can print coupons directly off of their website (link in the newsletter). My
favorite coupon is a buy one get one free which is good after 3pm on weekdays,
and all the time on weekends. You can get two subs, two chips, and two drinks
for less than $10 when using it. That's a good, cheap lunch or dinner for two

I would feel guilty making fun of this guy because the retarded are off limits even for RQ, but the fact that he has a site called This Just In... Your Blog Sucks is a mitigating factor.

Not to mention he dared to take a run at me. ME?!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Even more ways to Get Rich Quick!

Become a Deep Discount Travel Agent!
Khartoum under $350? Manila under $400? Lagos under $400? Addis Adeba under $450? If it sounds too good to be true, that's because it is! As a Lufthansa Deportation Class representative, you'll offer specially priced low fares from North America or Europe to destinations exotic locations such as Tunis, Damascus, Jakarta, Alma Ata, Harare, Lima, Quito and more. Check it out at the Lufthansa Deportation Class website.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Richard Quick offers name infringement amnesty; "RICHARD QUICKS": CHOOSE YOUR NEW NAME!

I have sent cease & desist requests to the large number of individuals who are currently using my name, Richard Quick. I am flattered, but it must stop. I am sending them an amnesty offer that they must change their names immediately or risk the legal wrath of the Law Firm of Quick, Duhk, & Hyde.

But being a kind and benevolent millionaire, I am using some of my undocumented computer lackies to come up with a list of alternative, computer generated subsitutes for "Richard Quick." Richard Quick Wannabees: Please reserve your name of choice by leaving a comment or contacting me ( These names will be allocated on a first come, first serve basis.

I have a feeling Captain Morty Flint will be going fast!

QUIRI WILON of the Planet Vioxx
(compliments of the Jedi Name Generator)

Richirude kuikuku
(compliments of the Japanese Name Generator)

(compliments of the Louis Farrakhan African Name Generator)

Aku Bolkiah, a general auditor of the Standard Bank of South Africa
(compliments of the Scammer Name Generator)

Maharaja of Wickedness (Known in some parts of the world as: Shiva of The Cursed)
(compliments of the Vampire Name Generator)

Fire Icefrost
(compliments of the Fairy Name Generator)

Cold G-Ride Bouncer
(compliments of the Gangsta Name Generator)

Golden Brown Richard Dogg
(compliments of the Pimp Name Generator)

Captain Morty Flint
(compliments of the Pirate Name Generator)

(compliments of the Reggae Name Generator)

"Richard Quicks" contacted thus far:
Website designer Richard Quick (
Forest Service Richard Quick (
Photographer Richard Quick (beautiful photography
Mathematician Richard Quick
Coil inventor Richard Quick
Email Expert Richard Quick
Cat Products merchant Richard Quick (
Detroit Board of Education Richard Quick
Visionary Richard Quick (

Richard Quick, Esq.: Identity Theft Victim?

My dear wealth-building disciples:

Incredible wealth, fame and success does have its drawbacks at times. One of the unfortunate side effects is that dozens of, in my case, Richard Quick, Esq. wannabees are constantly trying to ride the coattails of my success by using my name. Some are swimming coaches, scientists, electrical engineers, web designers... men who should rely on their acheivements and accomplishments and not trying to crowd under the umbrella of the one true Richard Quick, Esq.: Richard Quick, Esq.

One such "Richard" has launched an amusing little blog called BBC Spelling Watch, in which he points out and ridicules the spelling errors on the BBC's website, proving that he has as much time to waste pursuing snickers from strangers as I and that he is willing to do so. I respect that. And while he has violated my sacred name by using it (I suppose he'll claim he's had it since birth, that he's published books or is a successful web designer or some nonsense), I feel sorry for him as it appears he is British. And if he in fact is a web designer, he is most likely in awe of my esthetically unequalled blog, and is simply compelled to somehow touch my robe.


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