Dear Mr. Landis:
I am dismayed with the dismal performance of your publicity and/or crisis management team, and the fiasco that has ensued following the release of your test results. They obviously failed to have a crisis response plan in place, and their handling of your positive testosterone test results is a shameful. Had you retained Quick Public Relations Group, home of the QuickSpin™ Publicity Management System, rather than some latte-drinking California publicist, we would have nipped this in the bud with a QuickSpin™ solution:
BLAME IT ON TERRORISTS.
That’s right, the “W. Gambit”: Blame it on terrorists.
You should have immediately pointed out that there thousands of hateful individuals in this world whose ambition in life is to discredit America in the world press. Do you think these America-haters will sit idly by while a Pennsylvania farm boy waves the American flag on television broadcasts and magazine covers across the globe? Testosterone cream could have been transmitted through a handshake, a water bottle, a misting of your bicycle seat. If you were my client, you would have looked directly into the camera and said:
“I want to make it clear that I am NOT saying that this ‘dosing’ was necessarily Al Qaida operatives being assisted by the French and/or illegal aliens. It could have been any one of dozens of groups. But whomever it was, America, let’s not give them what they want. Let’s not concede to the wishes of terrorists. Let’s not let them win.”
I would have written you a poem, which we would have turned into a country song. It would be called “Tour de America” and we’d have it sung by Kenny Chesney or Willie Nelson and you’d be raking in royalties right now. In fact, I did write you a poem:
“Tour de America” by Millionaire Richard Quick.
Instead of skulking around, whining about your innocence, right now you’d be meeting with the President, Cheney, Rumsfeld, and I, discussing air strikes against French racing teams. That’s the power of the Quick Public Relations Group QuickSpin™ Publicity Management System.
But there’s an even better solution to your problem, one that will make you HAPPY that this misfortune befell you. As you’ll learn, no one can find the “fortune” in misfortune like Richard Quick! But Floyd, you’ll have to wait for OPEN LETTER PART TWO for the most brilliant solution you’ve ever heard.
Get your checkbook out, Mr. Floyd.
See you on the veranda!
Millionaire Richard Quick Esq.
Founder and SpinMaster
Quick Public Relations Group,
Home of the QuickSpin™ Publicity Management System