Monday, August 14, 2006

"Tour de America" A Tribute to Patriot Floyd Landis

by Richard Quick, Esq.

America, stand by your hero, Floyd Landis!
For Al-Qaida terrorists surely did plan this.
To disgrace the U.S., they sent their best henchmen,
Assisted by tight-shorted weasily Frenchmen.

The Al-Qaida bike team's the worst in the land.
They ride in full robes & get stuck in the sand.
America's dominance had them annoyed.
They plotted attacks on our pretty boy, Floyd.

Testosterone pollen they sprayed on his flowers.
Creme Rinse with Steroids! they put in his shower.
His bike seat infected his buttocks & thighs
With terrorist skin cream, covertly applied.

Hornswaggled, bamboozled, both set-up & framed.
Flim-flammed, lambasted & Valerie-Plamed.
Osama's delighted with his little scam
But thanks to our intel, we're on to his plan!

It's time we defended our tracks, field & courts
From terrorist scandals that threaten our sports.
Covert operations from terrorist foes
Claimed Bonds, Janet Jackson, & even Pete Rose.

Let's blow up the French team, both riders & bikes!
Hit smart-ass dope testers with surgical strikes!
Bin Laden we'll ride off a cliff in the Alps
And festoon our bikes with fresh Al-Qaida scalps!

Let's invade some country, drop bombs 'til they're free!
Put yellow shirt decals on our SUVs!
The Cycle of Violence is ours to win
(Sponsored by FOX Sports, by NIKE & Schwinn).

The French stole our victory to anger and vex us
So let's seize their bike race & move it to Texas
Yes, Tour de America has a nice ring!
Three cheers for Floyd Landis! Of Landis we sing!

© 2006 Richard Quick, Esq.. Used by permission. You may link to this poem (, but not reproduce it. Image is used by permission, and is licensed under the Creative Commons.


VirusHead said...

Like the meter - son of Dr. Suess?

arevolutionofone said...

Mr. Quick, this is an irresponsible and typical right-wing Republican reflex to blame everything on the terrorists. It is irresponsible because it creates a pervasive atmosphere of fear in the country and it prevents the real root causes of problems from being addressed because of simple knee-jerk reactionary blaming of them on an easy target.

In this case the root causes are clear. They are Dick Cheney and his puppet, Gee Dubya, the NSA, CIA, and nefarious undercover right-wing operatives who are part of the vast right-wing conspiracy. No doubt you yourself are somewhere involved in that conspiracy Quick.

Their aims are clear, to create a faux us and them division in the American populace and in the world at large. And thereby to rally NASCAR crowd around so-called "American" morals and values.

Even our friend Oliver Stone, who could have been counted upon in the past to make a movie exposing this conspiracy has been co-opted. Either co-opted or kidnapped and replaced with a clone-Stone. His latest film gives account of the 9/11 disaster that is completely in accordance with the "official" version. It is actually being praised by right-wing groups.

You Mr. Quick should be less fearful of the terrorists than of the day of reckoning that is coming when the revolution finally meets you...on the veranda!

quicksmartty said...

Mr Quick,

Inspired- but despite being a millionaire you've missed the real opportunity - buying low and selling high

Beautiful Floyd Landis T-shirts are cheap (and beautiful) now!

The French will surely admit their conspiracy after a little USA-style persuasion and then Floyd Landis T-shirts will be worth, well, Millions!

Richard Quick, Millionaire said...

QuickSmartty: Thanks for the link. I believe selling any Landis shirts would be technically selling "high." Too bad they are such ugly-ass shirts. Stamp a little "Steroids inside" logo on there and I bet they'd sell.

Virushead: The tests are inconclusive.

Arevolution: I love the Oliver Stone abduction theory. Ken Lay laughed his ass off at that one. He had to excuse himself from the card game after he blew Cristal out his nose in laughter. By the way: Congratulations! I hear they're raising minimum wage! That must be big news in your household!


“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind." Dr. Seuss
See you on the veranda.