Wednesday, May 31, 2006

JUST SAY GNOME! Sign GnomeWatch's Magic Fence Initiative and send undocumented lawnworkers gnome!

There's a predator lurking beneath your shrubbery. In your garden. Behind your mirrored ball or spinning plastic daisy. And unlike the enemies we've faced in the past, these predators have magic powers. More than 1 million of these "undocumented" (read: illegal) lawn workers are sneaking across our borders each year, some cloaking themselves in "fairy dust," some accompanied by plastic and/or ceramic vermin-carrying animals. Meanwhile, the unemployment lines are swelling with American-born yard sheep, concrete bunnies & toadstools, kissing frogs, and "Life's a Garden: Dig It!" signs who have been replaced by these foreign atheist criminal wiccan liberal gnomads.

Support the efforts of GNOMEWATCH INTERNATIONAL by adding your comments below, demanding a 2 1/2 foot magic fence, impervious to witchcraft and fairy dust, be built around the entire continental United States, Hawaii and Alaska (where they've seized an entire city). QUICKCO Impervious Magic Fence Corporation (a Richard Quick, Esq. Company), the only approved government vendor of Elf-and Spell-Resistent Fencing, will generously donate the fencing materials for the Northern Idaho/Canadian border.



Richard Quick, Millionaire said...

GNOMEWATCH INTERNATIONAL is a group that represents YOU, the American-born citizen ordained by GOD to live a life of plenty with minimal effort and zero responsibility just... because!

Leave your comment below demanding that the U.S. Government give QUICKCO the no-bid contract to start erecting a 2.5" magic fence that will keep the gnomes out of America, while allowing the Scapegoats to run freely!

Support GNOMEWATCH INTERNATIONAL Because it's all their fault!

Join me on the veranda!

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.
Chair, National association for the Advancement of Wealthy People

Gwen Hammond said...

Alright, Quick. I'll make you a deal.

If you get your act together, I'll invest and fully fund an expert team of Chinese scientists who will develop a counter-spell for an extra level of security.

See you on the veranda.

Richard Quick, Millionaire said...

My act gets any more together, honey, and a rule the world as well as own it.

By the way, "See you on the veranda" is a registered trademark of QUICKCO, Inc. We shall be letting you off with a $1500 penalty this time.

If you can get me a kilo of mandrake root (the good stuff) and some ground monkey paw (dolphin free) we may be able to work together on this.

See you on the veranda soon, I hope!

gnome said...

HAHA! Gnomes in the veranda!

Angus O'Mann said...

I support the building of the 2.5" fence around the US, as long as it won't hurt the dear gnomes. They're people too.

Gwen Hammond said...

Oh...penalize me. You know, shelling out $1500 to you hurts so good.

With regards to the mandrake and monkey's paw, you're in luck - I have both at my immediate disposal and they are certifiably dolphin free.

Let me know what you want to do. I'll be in my garden tonight, taking notes.

gnome said...

No, we're not people, we are gnomes. Apparently.

FrauBudgie said...


Richard Quick, Millionaire said...


You are a woman of few words, FrauBudgie. Few letters, even. Actually three. And one exclamation point. You get right to the point. You are direct, yet not blunt, not abrasive.

I like that in a frau. Feel free to stop in on the veranda again.

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.

Captain Berk said...


I don't like the way the gnome is looking at that deer.

There's a whole world of legal infraction waiting to happen there..

Gwen Hammond said...

I am on my way to your estate, presently, with a satchel of an exceptonally pure kilo of mandrake and dolphin-free monkey's paw. I've also taken the liberty of adding a bit of agrimony as well, for good measure.

I think you've really got something here, Quick. I'd love to help. Now, if we can only understand their babaric Gnomenclature, we'll be two steps ahead.

Looking forward to meeting with you,

Gwen Hammond