FRANWORST

Thursday, May 18, 2006

STEPHEN COLBERT: THE BALLS REPORT

SOME SAY STEEL BALLS.
SOME SAY BRASS.
ALL ARE KISSING
COLBERT'S ASS.
THEY WATCH AND WATCH
ON THEIR HIP MACS
WHEN E'ER THEIR BOSSES
TURN THEIR BACKS
IF ONE SPEECH GIVES
SUCH AN ERECTION
THEY'D BURST IF THEY WON
AN ELECTION

Stephen Colbert is the new darling of the moronic liberal blogging community, a distinction akin to being voted the best-looking waitress at Denny's. Perhaps the giddying effect of viewing Brokeback Mountain still lingers, because this highly original and creative community (as evidenced by their sheep-like conformity and their zombie-like parroting of catch-phrases) seems to be most obsessed with Stephen Colbert's balls. Here are a few posts on some of the more pathetic time-wasting loser sites.

From Arianna Huffington's pathetic The Huffington Post:
Shakespeare's sister: "Stephen Colbert has Balls as Big as Church Bells"
RQ responds: Don't you mean Sir Francis Bacon's sister?
Rangerk8: "... massive balls."
Mrravini: "This guy has balls."
mason: "...a man with integrity AND balls"
nateroberts: "...ballsy performance."
partypartyparty: "Mr. Big Balls Colbert"

RQ responds: Unobtainium. Isn't that what the Democrats use to build their political platforms?

On the esteemed liberal intellectual site drunkenmonkeymovies.com
"Stephen Colbert's balls weighed in at a massive 20 lbs. a piece.... Colbert could feasibly impregnate 23 different women with his massive balls"
RQ responds: Excellent insights. Creative extrapolation. You're a true visionary. Then again, with a name like drunkenmonkeymovies.com, you've gotta be good!

Posts on effeminate sfgate.com
sfgate: "Stephen Colbert Has Brass Cojones."
RQ responds: Cojones, translated, means a bunch of moron followers who think parroting catch phrases makes them funny right?
tothestarz: "Wow does that man have balls!!!!!!"
RQ responds: Easy, stars. Take your meds. Breath in. Breath out. Very good.

Hank Fox, man with dogs. (http://www.hankfox.com)
"He was ballsy as King Kong... Balls of steel... Colbert has balls the size of coconuts"
RQ Responds: Hank. Tell the truth. It was you who let the dogs out, wasn't it? Hank?!

http://blogs.citypages.com/ctg/2006/04/the_truthiness.asp
The Religious Left: "Mr. Colbert, thank God for your balls! If they weren't already huge and made of gold-plated brass, I'd suggest bronzing them."
RQ responds: He's too modest to plug himself, but if you need brass gold-plated or bronzed, or advice on which way to go with it, contact TRL. He's the best.
Tanvir: "Balls."
Susan F: "Balls of Steel"
Alex: "Balls out."
Will C. "He *really* does have balls."
Firefly: "Holding the mirror to expose Bush's naked butt... required balls of steel"
RQ responds:...and a real dedication to your work!

From the Pretentious Veganista Eco-Girl Site:
Truthgobbler Says: “Gargantuan brazen balls.”
RQ responds: One of my favorite dishes! But is that vegan?
Bonzai, The Evil Joker Says: “Greetings from Romania. It really took balls to pull the stunt you did!”
RQ responds: Thanks, Bonzai. Now finish your gruel and get back to your Romanian prison cell.


Other Sad Loser sites:
http://kudzumonamour.blogspot.com/: "what gigantic balls of steel stephen colbert must have"
Jointblog for Media Trend Watching: "Big Brassy Balls
http://scrutinyhooligans.blogspot.com: "big balls of steel..."
http://www.bitetv.ca: "Stephen Colbert's balls must be HUGE"
http://www.gogela.com: "Balls of Stainless Steel"
http://www.smarkschoice.com: "Balls out." (?)
http://journals.democraticunderground.com: (plain adder) "how ginormous Colbert's balls must be"
RQ responds: Ginormous! That's cute. Plain Adder. Does Mommy know you're on the computer?

From Shakespeare's Homely Sister blog http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com

Dawg: STEVE'S BRASS BALLS ARE BIGGER THAN ALLAH'S puny BALLS BY A GOOGOLPLEX!
RQ responds: EH?
puellasolis: this man has balls of fuckin' titanium.
Vast Left: Colbert also gives out a Brass Balls Award, and I hope I takes one for himself
RQ responds: Dream big, vast.

From coconuts to church bells, from serious to awesome to pure... the mindless debate rages within the liberalagentsia who seem unconcerned with the time they waste on their employers' dimes. Here are posts from the embarrassing Stephen Colbert tribute site thankyoustephencolbert.org:

Liberals debate the size of Stephen Colbert's balls:
Matthew Says: …You, my friend, have balls as big as church bells.
Chris James in Albuquerque Says: Steven, you have balls the size of coconuts…
Adam Peterton Says: balls the size of Washington
holly Says: Mmmmmm, mmmmmm, balls.. I like ‘em big.
Andrew Says: Colbert is a true American hero… With Huge Balls.
Adam Peterton Says: balls the size of Washington
Ben T Says: …balls as big as grapefruits…
Lucy B Says: Like cantaloupes, man. Giant, genetically altered, cantaloupes.
Matthew Schwartz Says: …the biggest balls on earth.
Alec Binyon Says: You have enormous, Texas sized brass balls.
MWW Says: The man has brass balls the size of texas.
Matthew Schwartz Says: …the biggest balls on earth.
Lyn Ramsay Says: the biggest balls in television.
Olmy Says: Amazing. Huge balls.
Nics Says: … balls the size of Texas.
D.J. Says: …cajones the size of canteloupes.
Rickie-Ann Says: balls bigger than Texas.

Stephen Colbert's balls compared:
Large Meaty Ballsack Says: Balls that rival my own.
Dan Says: you truly do have the most balls in the journalism business.
Won Garner Says: You are a hero, with the biggest balls on the planet.
RJ Says: …biggest balls of them all.
Meddling Kids Says: …bigger balls than anyone except Helen Thomas!
Bill Hicks Says: I have never seen balls of this magnitude!!!

Other attributes of Stephen Colbert's balls:
Niki Morris Says: …it must have taken some serious balls…
Joanne Says: Awesome balls
Jeff Tarbell Says: I salute your gigantic, red, white and blue balls.
JJ Says: the greatest example… pure balls i’ve ever seen…
Bob Saget Says: …mighty balls. Mighty, mighty balls.

Liberals debate the composition of the balls of Stephen Colbert
Brass: 21 Steel: 9 Titanium: 2 Granite: 1 Irony: 1 Unobtainium: 1
ik Says: Your tribute should be in Wikipedia under the definition of “Big Brass Balls”.
Elizabeth Conley Says: Thank you for your courage, your insight and your shiny brass balls.
Dain Says: … give yourself the brass balls award, because that took “mucho grudas.”
maurinsky Says: God bless you, Mr. Colbert, and God bless your Big Brass Balls.
S Nair Says: … Stephen “BrassBalls” Colbert…
Indra Says: … if you didn’t already have a pair of Stephen’s Big Brass Balls they would surely be awarded to you.
BOB HAVLAN Says: BALLS OF BRASS.
Kevin Brady Says: …Hopefully your big, brass balls will have some impact,…
Paul Weyland Says: We’re starting a movement to buy you an 800-pound pair of BRASS BALLS for your courage.
Matt Moore Says: When you say you’ve got brass balls, you hit the president over the head with them just to prove it.
razorboy666: "Stephen 'Big Brass Balls' Colbert!!!"
Peter Says: …huge, shiny, brass balls.
Vytas B Says: …massive, massive brass balls.
Ray Lehtiniemi Says: Brass balls indeed!
Magorn Says: giant brass balls
Ezra Klein "Brass balls, baby."
Kira Alexander Says: Those are some brass balls you have there.
honey bunny Says: you’ve got some big, brass balls, and… i have the highest respect for you. because i respect big, brass balls.
RQ responds: Why don't you come by Quick Mansion around 9 tonight, honey bunny? And pick up a can of Brasso on the way.

Other:
a mitten Says:... gigantic balls of steel!
Ed Says: You have balls of steel my man.
kenaan tabikh Says: my friends are saying you have “balls of steel”!
RQ responds: You've got friends now, Keenan? Good for you! MySpace IS a wonderful thing!
Kurt W Says: You truly have balls of steel!
anonymous Says: That took titanium balls.
FAT BASTARD Says: YOUR BALLS ARE GIANT ORBS OF TITANIUM!
Justin Linder Says: …You got some granite balls my man!
Javed Says: You have balls of truth.
amy Says: Huge balls of irony.
RQ responds: So THAT'S how he onomonopeias with such force!
schadenfrauline: "you have balls turned from pure Unobtainium, stronger than brass, rarer than Platinum... "


Logistical Challenges of Stephen's Big Balls
ColbertForPrez Says: ...balls so large they may actually tear a rift in the space-time continuum.
Gavortnik Says: You’ve got huevos, chutzpah, cojones, moxie, grit, sand and, most of all, hangin’ danglin’ balls the size of brass cannonballs. How you can walk without being preceded by native bearers holding ‘em up is a puzzle to me.
Otis Says: God, it must be hard walking around with those GIGANTIC balls… Big ups to you, Mr. Colbert. Keep ‘em swinging!

Hail to the Balls!
Jacques Lambert Says: … I applaud your balls, sir. I really do. I don’t generally applaud another man’s balls but in this case, it is called for.
Scott Faulkner Says: I salute your balls, sir!
NOTE: "Balls of Steel" image is used as a parody only. Balls of Steel name and logo are trademarks of The 3D Realms.

2 comments:

Charles said...

Mr. Quick, I have to ask: have you ever told the president that through his reckless actions and dishonesty, he has led his country into what former NSA Direction Lt. General William Odom calls, the greatest strategic disaster in US military history? Into levels of debt/GDP soon to exceed those which triggered the economic crisis under the first President Bush? Into a state of partisan rancor and division not seen since the late 1960s?

Maybe more to the point, can you remember what it was like to not have the sort of money that gives one a sense of invulnerability and yet stand up to speak truth to power?

Whatever we are in life, one day we all die; as a Christian, I believe we will be judged. We will be judged by the standard not of how much money we had, but of how we used it.

Reading your site, I get the sense that you have no idea that money can be used to do anything more than obtain very temporary gratification. You ask us to envy you for the supermodels that I suppose serve as prostitutes to you. Is there one person on this earth who would love you if you had nothing at all?

I get the sense not. So, rather than your envy, you have my regrets, at a life slipping away, barely lived.

lynramsay said...

Apparently metaphor is a bit too advanced for you. All those comments about "balls" referred to the fact that in one blistering appearance, Colbert made it clear that he has more courage, integrity and patriotism than that entire sorry crew of crooks and traitors that currently have a stranglehold on our government put together.

Get it now?