Tuesday, May 23, 2006

HAPPINISTAS Reign of Silence: Day 8

Day Eight of the Happinista's Reign of Silence!

[At left, a track of the American chicken]

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. paces the veranda, his eyes on the horizon as if waiting to hear the theme music of Tora! Tora! Tora! or maybe that movie with the weird song that sounded like the memory game SIMON but was really a message from aliens... Close Encounters of the 3rd Time... that's it.

He paces as if at any moment the sky could fill with millions of disc-shaped peace sign magnets, descending like hordes of kamikaze tie-dyed locusts, spiriting away anything metallic from the pool area, veranda and tennis courts. Damn! Those croquet wickets were imported!

It's been seven days since he's heard from the rebel Happinista Leader Sara Nichols. Was his apology seen as a sign of weakness? Had he played the "sorry card" too soon? Was it her resemblance to Jody Foster, his childhood crush from Family Affair, that had him so unnerved?

Quick's a practical man. A realist. A pragmatist. He knows that Peace could break out at any moment. He summons his sales manager.
"Start unloading the Support our Troops Stickers! Discount, force-ship. whatever it takes!" he barks.
"But Mr. Quick..."
"You heard me," says Quick. "And get me the latest inventory counts for pot-leaf, Marley, Deadhead and peace sign stickers. I'm going to crush these Happinistas once and for all."

"Senor Qweek!" says his undocumented maid Marta. "El Presidente Boosh is on the phone."
"Take a message and hold my calls, Marta." says Quick. "I'll be in the Master suite with the Mrs. Beasly twins."

Damn you, Sara, says Quick, climbing the sweeping staircase. Damn you and your Gross National Happiness Team!

LEARN MORE ABOUT VERMONT PEACEWORKS, A GROUP THAT HAS RAISED LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS FOR THE CAUSE OF REBEL HAPPINISTAS. When you visit the website, ask yourself: why is Eric Sperber blocking the door? What is he hiding? Perhaps a sweatshop in which St. Albans Cooperative dairy farmers are forced to stamp out peace signs for no pay? And shouldn't there be a law against the kinds of irresponsible unAmerican rhetoric ("I'm against senseless killing...") that seems to spew forth from these Happinistas like... things that spew with great force? You can send a message to these Happinistas. Buy a box of their peace signs but plaster them all over your beemer or SUV upside down! And then take a fat Sharpie and write arrows at them, and write these words all over your car: Tracks of the American Chicken! Who's the funny one now, Colbert?!

A history of the conflagration:
The Attack begins.
The Truth about the radical Happinistas emerges
Rebel Happinista Communique Leaked!
Happinista Sara Nichols Launches Reign of Silence


Captain Berk said...

Peace could break out at any minute?

I thought war was a constant, beautiful, everlasting factor we could always depend on.

Oh well

Richard Quick, Millionaire said...

Despair not, Cappy. Ambrose Bierce correctly defined peace thusly: "PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. "

Captain Berk said...

How apt.

Somebody once asked if I wanted world peace.

I snorted out a derisive guffaw and said 'which piece are you offering me?'

They didn't understand the quip. I had to explain it in great detail. I stopped talking after a while, realising that I was talking to a lampost.

Damn Klingon blood wine. ....