Kenneth Lay Conspiracy: He's not here

Official Press Briefing
10:30 a.m. EST July 7, 2006
Veranda of Quick Mansion, Richard Quick Estate
Candy Springtime, Sherling Tompson Public Relations

"Good morning all. As everyone knows, I'm Candy Springtime of Sherling Tompson Public Relations speaking on behalf of Mr. Richard Quick, Esq., Quick, Duhk & Hyde Attorneys at Law, LLP, and the NAAWP, also known as the National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People.

"Two days ago, Richard Quick's former student, protege, golf partner, longtime client and personal friend Kenneth Lay passed away from coronary artery disease at the age of 64. Mr. Quick would like to once again express his condolences to the family and to assure them that the substantial retainer payment made by Mr. Lay shortly before his death will be adequate to cover the grieving time and funeral attendance of the professional staff of Quick, Duhk & Hyde. We are thankful not to have to send an invoice at this difficult time.

"The purpose of this press conference, however, is to express our outrage over accusations made in recent days by gossip-mongers, lowlife bloggers, and irresponsible journalists quoting supposed "inside sources" alleging that Mr. Lay, with the assistance of the highly respected multimillionaire and philanthropist Richard Quick, Esq., and covert Bush administration operatives have faked the death of former Enron executive Kenneth Lay, and that Mr. Lay is actually alive and well and living in perfect health on the grounds of the Richard Quick Estate.

"Let us be clear: Mr. Lay is NOT, I repeat NOT, alive and well and living in perfect health on the grounds of the Richard Quick Estate. We are investigating these allegations and will continue to do so. Be forewarned that we will aggressively litigate any individuals or groups or media organizations spreading these slanderous comments and rumors. If Mr. Lay is indeed alive, he is not in perfect health and living on the grounds of what's known as the Richard Quick Main Estate, which is a separate entity and not inclusive of other Quick properties or affiliates.

"Let me further state that widely spread allegations involving discussions of the covert transportation and hiding of "Mr. Lay" supposedly overheard by Richard Quick's former domestic staff and leaked to the press and law enforcement were misunderstandings that have now been cleared up. The domestic servants had, in fact, misconstrued the meaning of an overheard and inadmissable conversation regarding a covert delivery of "Lay's Potato Chips," that are a favorite of Mr. Quick's but forbidden by his doctor for cholesterol-related reasons. Mr. Quick had the chips in question delivered covertly under the cover of night so his doctor would not admonish him. The domestic servants acknowledged their error in a sworn affadavit shortly before their disappearance, and are no longer available for comment...or other purposes.

"Let me also state unequivocably and with a straight face that the mysterious disappearance of the winner of last month's Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.'s Kenneth Lay Look-alike Contest is entirely coincidental and unrelated to Mr. Lay's untimely death. We regret that Mr. Freudenstein, who won an all-expense paid trip to the Caribbean furnished by Mr. Quick, disappeared last month off the coast of Aruba while on Mr. Quick's yacht, but are pleased that his last moments were the happiest of his life. Allegations that Mr. Quick somehow "harvested" the body for use in the cover-up, while ingenious, are, in this case, untrue, libelous, slanderous, and offensive. The Bush Administration has added that spreading these allegations against Richard Quick, Esq. or even "snooping around" constitute a threat to national security, and are therefore treasonous and warrant the use of deadly force with no questions asked.

"Are there any questions? No? Great! This press conference is concluded. Once you are unbound, please place your gags in the marked bins and help yourself to refreshments."