JUST SAY GNOME! Sign GnomeWatch's Magic Fence Initiative and send undocumented lawnworkers gnome!

[CLICK ON POSTER TO VIEW FULL SIZE]
There's a predator lurking beneath your shrubbery. In your garden. Behind your mirrored ball or spinning plastic daisy. And unlike the enemies we've faced in the past, these predators have magic powers. More than 1 million of these "undocumented" (read: illegal) lawn workers are sneaking across our borders each year, some cloaking themselves in "fairy dust," some accompanied by plastic and/or ceramic vermin-carrying animals. Meanwhile, the unemployment lines are swelling with American-born yard sheep, concrete bunnies & toadstools, kissing frogs, and "Life's a Garden: Dig It!" signs who have been replaced by these foreign atheist criminal wiccan liberal gnomads.

Support the efforts of GNOMEWATCH INTERNATIONAL by adding your comments below, demanding a 2 1/2 foot magic fence, impervious to witchcraft and fairy dust, be built around the entire continental United States, Hawaii and Alaska (where they've seized an entire city). QUICKCO Impervious Magic Fence Corporation (a Richard Quick, Esq. Company), the only approved government vendor of Elf-and Spell-Resistent Fencing, will generously donate the fencing materials for the Northern Idaho/Canadian border.

LEAVE A COMMENT AND JUST SAY GNOME!!!

"Sorry, Uncle..." Immigration Control Poster

Poor Uncle Sam. He's an American legally (Indians didn't have VISAS). But his job has been taken by an illegal, undocumented parasitic yard gnome with ties to Al Qaida.

Sign up for Richard Quick's political action newsletter and BE somebody!

Undocumented Lawn Workers are Terrorists!

How long are we going to sit idly by while these undocumented lawn workers (ULWs) violate the sanctity of our borders, defy our laws, frighten our small mammals, ogle our women and STEAL American jobs? Sign up for Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.'s Political Action Newsletter to learn what you can do!

[Paid announcement sponsored by the National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People (NAAWP) in conjunction with the Millionaire's Rights Coalition (MRC).]

Send'M Gnome!!! Immigration control NOW!

I chaired last week's conference of the National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People (NAAWP) in St. Moritz. (Compliments to chef Reto. All agreed your creme brulee is magnifique!) I hosted had an intensive open discussion session (titled Hard Issues, Hard Liquor) on the veranda. I opened with a toast to one of my many conquests, the fiesty activist Lady Jennifer, for no apparent reason except that Gwen had not yet arrived and I thought it best to get it in quick, so to say. I then proceeded to ask the millionaires in attendance "Where's your pain? What pressing issues must we discuss? Do you know of millionaires being repressed, oppressed, tortured and taxed?" I challenged them to let us know which hard topics we needed to address in the next year.

The topic of immigration seemed to dominate the entire 20 minutes. Some people said some points, but then it was time for our annual Waterford Crystal Skeet Shoot Charity event, and we all agreed it was a good session then hurried to the skeet range to "shoot us some flyin' bowls".

10 MORE Ways to GET RICH QUICK!!!

Start a Christian Dollar Store! The only thing Americans love more than Jesus is a great bargain for a dollar. So why not offer quality Christian products like Bible tins with cross-shaped mints, American "Fish Flag" pins (pictured), Tangy scripture candy, and t-shirts that read "Jesus. Sweet Savior. King of Kings" designed to look like the Reeses Peanut Butter Cups logo.

Open a Brain Transplant Clinic... even if you have no degree, medical background or intelligence! This is a great new business at the cutting edge of cosmetic technology. Why fix it when you can replace it?

Build Corpses for Fun & Profit. For $19.95, you can learn the secrets of building lifesize, realistic, decaying corpses in the privacy of your own home. You'll be the go-to guy or gal in your subdivision in no time.

Or Become a Corpse Reseller. Gone are the days of late night, moonlit trips to the foggy boneyard with annoying hunchbacks and all that digging. Now you simply pick up the phone, place your wholesale order, specify gender, hair color, skin color & degree of decay and you're done! Orders are dropshipped directly to your customers! All you do is sell!

Help Parents Create Perfect Children. God created some fine human beings, but GenoChoice is taking it to the next level. Earn a generous commission or referral fee for bringing your discriminating friends and neighbors to Genochoice BEFORE reproductive mistakes are made.

Become a Memory Erasure Intake Counselor. Work from home, counseling friends and neighbors on how to erase memories they'd rather forget. Not only will you earn consulting fees and sales commissions, you can erase your own bad memories for free!

Provide Primate Temp Tech Workers. Except for their unseemly habit of picking nits from their fur and eating them, primates are the perfect answer for the critical shortage in skilled technical workers available on short notice who will work for no pay.

Buy/Sell Black Market Babies, Pandas & Tigers. Dynamite product line. Growing market. Be sure you are in compliance with any laws in your township or borough.

Sell Upscale Human Caviar. Chrissy Caviar® started the ball rolling by marketing jars containing her own anaerobically sealed eggs suspended in light human tubal fluid. Conservationists love that they're 100% Dolphin Free. Sell Chrissy's eggs, or harvest your own!

Start a Negro Rental Service. Those crazy negros. Is there anything they can't do? Now you can turn the demand for America's favorite minority into a great business you can run from the other side of town. Or get ahead of the curve with a Latino Leasing, Temp-Iranians, Contract a Canuck, or Rent to Own an Asian Agency.

Here's how you can fight "get rich quick" scammers:
Click on their ads in the sidebars and headers of websites
named, like, Get Rich Quick!
That way, they make a contribution to the anti-scamming efforts
of Richard Quick, Esq. It'll be your little way of "clickin' it to the man. "
See you on the veranda! Richard Quick, Esq.

Ten Ways to Get Rich Quick!

[Pictured at left, the Aluminum Foil Detector Beanie. Photo Credit: AFDB]

Richard Quick, Esq., America's foremost wealthbuilding expert voted America's "Most Beloved Millionaire" for five years in a row, share with you some ideas on how to start your own successful business, and Get Rich Quick!

Sell immortality with Alex Chiu's Eternal Life Device! Become an affiliate reseller of visionary and genius Alex Chiu's fast-selling products, including his Eternal Life Device, and products Gorgeouspil, and Chi Flush.

Sell Peace of Mind with an AFDB franchise! According to the website, "An Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB) is a type of headwear that can shield your brain from most electromagnetic psychotronic mind control carriers." Do not wear when visiting my site.

Become a BabyCage Distributor. Not only will you make piles of cash, you'll be helping to form tomorrow's docile, housebroken consumers and voters.

Start your own Pet Island! Dog Island is a tropical success story, but there's a lot of room in the growing pet resort industry. For instance, no one has seized the low-cost tier of pet vacation spots. Parrot Apartment? Boxer Basement? Kitty Warehouse?

Open a Male Pregnancy Clinic. At last, technology has made the genders equal, and eliminated nature's liberal, feminist bias.

Turn that spare bedroom into a Home Lasik Surgery Center! Buy one of these kits and you can laser-correct your own eyeballs, then offer the popular surgery to friends and family at a fraction of what hospitals and medical doctors charge.

Sell Shades, the Lipstick for Men. Create a compelling line of shades that set of the natural contours of the male face, and you can kiss your money troubles behind.

Sell Shards O' Glass Freeze Pops Frozen treats are a hot market! But ice cream, frozen yogurt, and Italian Ice are past their prime. Get in on the trend toward glass-enriched frozen treats with Shards O' Glass Freeze Pops, the nation's top-selling frozen treats containing glass shards.

Import Gourmet Coconuts from Minnesota. Minnesota is the coconut capitol of the upper Midwest. Now you can offer high-quality Minnesota coconuts in your town.

Sell your immortal soul. Unfortunately, the market is a bit glutted with an oversupply of already-sold souls, but this company pays a competitive rate even for heavily leveraged Republican souls.

Important notice: Did you know that whenever you click on the little ads of a get-rich-quick scheme that it costs the scammers & schemers money? You know, like the ads that appear in the sidebars and headers of websites named, like, Get Rich Quick? So click a few get rich quick ads... hell, click them all... It'll be your little way of sticking to the scam. Or clickin' it to the man. Or something.

Liberal Ethics... Part Two (Updated!)

Remember Dee Hill? He has a blog called Hark Fraud! I mean, Hark Imagination!

When last he spoke, Dee dared me to contact Google AdSense to vindicate his click-swapping scam. He also threatened me, Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. , a world-reknowned attorney and Senior Partner of Quick, Duhk & Hyde Law Firm, with a harrassment suit. Just for disagreeing with him

So I contacted Google AdSense for clarification. Their response, as any intelligent and/or ethical human would expect:

Hello Richard,

Thanks for your email. Publishers are not permitted to
encourage users to click on Google ads or bring excessive attention to ad
units for any reason. For example, sites cannot contain phrases such as
"click the ads,""support our sponsors," "visit these recommended links," or other similar language that could apply to the Google ads. Therefore, we feel the program your friend has created would be in violation of our program policies. Please feel free to email us at if you have additional questions or concerns.

Sincerely, Winnie
The Google AdSense Team

What do you think, Lee? Are you shocked that it's not acceptable to fraudulently charge small business owners with bogus clicks? Is it unfair that these hard-working Americans who risk it all in the pursuit of the American entrepreneurial dream might have a problem paying you to sleep until noon, and donating their hard-earned money to buy you nice frilly things?

Dee, I thank you for providing such a clear picture of liberal ethics, that trait that enables you to be indignant at governmental injustice, then put ethics aside when it benefits you financially.

Liberal ethicists: Please feel free to enlighten us as to how you and Dee are really carrying the banner of righteousness for America. Unlike Dee, I'm all ears.

UPDATE: For some reason Dee Hill took down all posts related to his fraudulent you-click-mine-I'll-click-yours Adwords scam operation! In its place he has placed a bunch of whiny messages about being spammed by someone blah blah blah and lodged a complaint about my exposing his scam and showing his photograph on my site. I will take Dee's photo link down, not because I've been contacted by anyone, but because I'd feel terrible if Dee started crying. It seems shadowy figures can't operate in the light of day. So much for free speech and open debate. He threatened to sue me for harrassment for exposing his scheme. Aren't liberals for freedom of speech? Dee Hill sure used his freedom of speech to smear his employer on rip-offreport.com, although the employer was running a legitimate business and Dee just didn't feel like working that hard (or so it seemed). Isn't that the way with the liberal ethic? They'll rant and rave about their noble causes... as long as they don't have to get out of bed before 11:00 am, and just so they don't have to be held to the same ethical standards they set for everyone else.

Dee Hill: Feel free to enter your opposing view or rebuttal (look it up) in the comments. I'm not afraid of dialogue. I have never edited a comment, no matter how abusive.

Prototype 2008 Democratic Campaign Button

[Pictured, Prototype 2008 Democratic Campaign button. Source: undisclosed. ]

One of our conservative operatives, working deep cover in the Democratic party, has leaked the prototype design for the 2008 Democratic campaign buttons.

The condom was chosen as the perfect liberal icon since a condom allows for inflation, diminishes production, protects a bunch of pricks while destroying the next generation, and provides a sense of security while you're being screwed.

See you on the veranda!

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.
Founder, Millionaire Rights Coalition
Chair, National Association for the
Advancement of Wealthy People (NAAWP)

Richard Quick's Love Letters & Fan Mail

Kevin Says: You’re all alone… Seek psychological help.
Stephen fan Says: That Quick guy is going all over the internet posting crap about Stephen Colbert. Richard, get a life, spend your millions, make more, show us what true blue lift yourself up by your own bootstraps American entrepreneurship really means! Stephen, heroes are known by their enemies. Judging by yours, you are the BEST!
Lora Says: Ignore Richard Quick, he’s just a tick. Stephen, thanks. We get it!
Evelyn Mills Says: Regarding Richard Quick’s negative comments about Stephen’s balls: I fear Richard doth protest too much. Pricked your shortcomings, did he Richard? To the quick.
Vivienne Says: Looks like Richard Quick has no life. His attempt to pass himself off as Stephen Colbert would be amusing if not so sad.
Also, rather infantile and pathetic to advertise himself as a “millionaire” which leads me to assume that he is not. Either way, he has no class. I looked at his site. Just another pyramid scheme and he posts here to try to pull in a few more to finance his rent, or habit....The one good thing about Richard Quick’s inane posts is that he is increasing the total count of “thanks”. Maybe he should continue on and on with the prattlings and the site will make news when the “thanks” reach 100,000!
Polo Says: Millionare Richard Quick. Why should we pay any attention to anyone who has to refer to himself as Millionaire rather than Mr. or just plain Richard Quick? Richard, you need to get out and visit with common people with common sense.
D man Says: Despite what “quickie dick” (you can get a cream for that you know) would have you believe, that wasn’t really Stephen posting a couple hundred comments ago. The guy appears to be angry that we all found Stephen so funny and is trying to punish us for it by faking like he’s our intrepid hero. Just another angry conservative that feels the tide turning and is panicked by it. Just pop another oxycontin like your hero Rush and fark.com off already. You will hardly feel the power shift at all in your current prescription induced haze. The funny thing is that by commenting in this thread, little dickie quick is actually adding to the number of thank yous and helping further publicize an event I’m sure his party would love to forget!
Glory Says: Are people actually giving credibility to this sick-quick-prick??? He’s here ONLY to disrupt and distract!!! If people engage him, or begin discussing him, he wins! He masquerades as multiple posters … and even debates himself trying to draw others in. He’s nothing more than a slime trail left by some long gone stomach-crawler and, as such, should be ignored. (I only commented at this time because i’m loath to see him reap any benefit.) It’s too bad that ignorance isn’t painful.
Elisa Says: What an idiot you are. Richard Quick is an asshole who just wants you to click on his site. He’s only pretending to be a Colbert fan.
Elisa Says: Richard Quick, you’re such a loser. Now go back to your bathroom and wank off some more.
Kevin Says: Just ignore him.

ColinS Says: (Re: post 59952) Richard Quick “Prick,”
Until you realize the biggest con on you IS the the George Bush Administration, you shall remain quite smug in your lemmings ignorance. Only then will you know that you have been royally f’d by those who really don’t give a f about you. Try as you might, you cannot dilute the “Colbert Effect.” I implore you to understand it, and it’s enlightenment. And, sooner than later man. We do need continually enlightened citizens for a healthy democracy. And so it is, the majority of Americans have begun to see the unhealty regressive ideas of this Administration and it’s enablers.

ColinS Says: (Re: post 60031) Richard Quick “Prick,” When will you understand that YOUR con IS over. When will you realize that that to try to denegrate the messenger when you have nothing to say, is getting old real fast. The majority of Americans are simply not buying that tactic anymore. Bring some intelligence, please. I suppose you wrote your “thank yous” here on a slate with chalk, no? You should spend some time commenting on the industrial military and oil conglamorates. Or, maybe you see these as godfilled capitalist corporations which you support?
David Says: 60031 - Response. COlbert is getting rich exposing the lies of our government? Hmmm…. Comedy Central is making money off of exposing the abuses of power? Did we not get a kickback (you call it “taxbreak”) in the form of a payoff (tax rebate check) for voting him into office? YOu are right, Colbert is getting rich. I’ll pay him double for him to keep on doing what he is doing. Stephen Colbert is rich, and I say he should get even more. Heck he should get a whopping 1 percent of what the oil companies and executives linked to this administration are getting.
Elisa Says: Mr. Quick, you’re truly pathetic. Get a life. Notice how everyone else here is utterly ignoring you.
Anonymous Says: To other fans of Stephen Colbert: please feel free to ignore Richard Quick.
Bring back the Guillotine says: "Steve, you make my timbers shiver with pride!" -Richard Quick This is the gayest thing I've seen on a blog in a long time. This sentence proves to me that you are a self loathing closet homosexual... To close I would like to say that I have nothing against gay men. Just against gay men who go about bashing the ones who have had the guts to face society, and be who they are.
Gwen Hammond says: If I had more time (and I don't because I actually WORK for my money), I would waste you.Waste you, I say.
Dee says: ...I highly suggest that you take my picture and link off of your blog immediately. Your posts constitute spamming and online harassment, neither of which I'm sure Google will tolerate.
Eric Jasso says: Uh, OK...you claim to be a gazzilionaire, but you can't afford a decent photographer? Six shots on Flickr...six shots of equal crapness? Dude...call Donald Trump. Maybe he can tell you who he uses.

Charles said: Maybe more to the point, can you remember what it was like to not have the sort of money that gives one a sense of invulnerability and yet stand up to speak truth to power? Whatever we are in life, one day we all die; as a Christian, I believe we will be judged. We will be judged by the standard not of how much money we had, but of how we used it. Reading your site, I get the sense that you have no idea that money can be used to do anything more than obtain very temporary gratification. You ask us to envy you for the supermodels that I suppose serve as prostitutes to you. Is there one person on this earth who would love you if you had nothing at all? I get the sense not. So, rather than your envy, you have my regrets, at a life slipping away, barely lived.

ColinS Says: May 24th, 2006 at 4:09 pm (Re: post 60051, 52) Richard Quick “Prick,”
Why do you feel the need to be prick. Come out of the closet, man. It’s ok, God still loves you.
You have made you prick points. Thank you for shopping at Wal Mart, please leave now.

HAPPINISTAS Reign of Silence: Day 8

Day Eight of the Happinista's Reign of Silence!

[At left, a track of the American chicken]

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. paces the veranda, his eyes on the horizon as if waiting to hear the theme music of Tora! Tora! Tora! or maybe that movie with the weird song that sounded like the memory game SIMON but was really a message from aliens... Close Encounters of the 3rd Time... that's it.

He paces as if at any moment the sky could fill with millions of disc-shaped peace sign magnets, descending like hordes of kamikaze tie-dyed locusts, spiriting away anything metallic from the pool area, veranda and tennis courts. Damn! Those croquet wickets were imported!

It's been seven days since he's heard from the rebel Happinista Leader Sara Nichols. Was his apology seen as a sign of weakness? Had he played the "sorry card" too soon? Was it her resemblance to Jody Foster, his childhood crush from Family Affair, that had him so unnerved?

Quick's a practical man. A realist. A pragmatist. He knows that Peace could break out at any moment. He summons his sales manager.
"Start unloading the Support our Troops Stickers! Discount, force-ship. whatever it takes!" he barks.
"But Mr. Quick..."
"You heard me," says Quick. "And get me the latest inventory counts for pot-leaf, Marley, Deadhead and peace sign stickers. I'm going to crush these Happinistas once and for all."

"Senor Qweek!" says his undocumented maid Marta. "El Presidente Boosh is on the phone."
"Take a message and hold my calls, Marta." says Quick. "I'll be in the Master suite with the Mrs. Beasly twins."

Damn you, Sara, says Quick, climbing the sweeping staircase. Damn you and your Gross National Happiness Team!

LEARN MORE ABOUT VERMONT PEACEWORKS, A GROUP THAT HAS RAISED LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS FOR THE CAUSE OF REBEL HAPPINISTAS. When you visit the website, ask yourself: why is Eric Sperber blocking the door? What is he hiding? Perhaps a sweatshop in which St. Albans Cooperative dairy farmers are forced to stamp out peace signs for no pay? And shouldn't there be a law against the kinds of irresponsible unAmerican rhetoric ("I'm against senseless killing...") that seems to spew forth from these Happinistas like... things that spew with great force? You can send a message to these Happinistas. Buy a box of their peace signs but plaster them all over your beemer or SUV upside down! And then take a fat Sharpie and write arrows at them, and write these words all over your car: Tracks of the American Chicken! Who's the funny one now, Colbert?!

A history of the conflagration:
The Attack begins.
The Truth about the radical Happinistas emerges
Rebel Happinista Communique Leaked!
Happinista Sara Nichols Launches Reign of Silence

Liberal ethics

Meet Dee.
Dee has a blog called Hark! Imagination!
Dee claims to be in the Education field.
Dee claims that his ethics are 100% liberal, 0% conservative.
Dee is a liberal, and thinks Stephen Colbert is righteous!

Here's what Dee says in his May 15, 2006 Sharing the Wealth post:

I have implemented some Google Adsense information into my blog... I earn a few
pennies if you readers either click the ads featured at the top or the sidebar,
or if you run search results for the Web or for my site, or if you download
Firefox or other Google products through here. Every bit helps....
honestly, folks... If you have a link or an ad, I'll click it, and I'll
leave you a comment saying as much. ... , please click me and I'll click you,
and we'll both be better off....Whatever the overtones, we'll all make a few
extra coins and we'll be helping each other.

Accomplice Kendra said...

Thanks for the clicks! I will of course reciprocate...

That's what I like: 100% Liberal ethics. It's fine to rail against government corruption, to be giddy with Stephen Colbert rants about honesty, but in the liberal personal life it's justifiable to steal from the small business owners who have to pay for fraudulent clicks. It's OK to sign the Google Adsense agreement that prohibits this type of theft. Perhaps scariest of all is the cluelessness inherent in this. Dee, baby, you have a Blogger blog. Google owns Blogger. Do you really think your genius moneymaking idea, if it works, will escape their notice?

Education? Just who is this genius planning to educate? Oh, yeah. Liberals.

Liberal Ethics update: Dee claims that he is within the Google AdWord guidelines (because advertisers are OK with paying for bogus hits) and he invited me to contact Google. I have. Dee also started crying 'cuz I expressed my opinion. Funny, he can smear his employer all over the Rip-off Report, but he can't handle an idea exchange about his own... self.

Are Stephen Colbert Fans Homos?

Please post your comments on whether you think Stephen Colbert fans are homos.




The evidence is hard to ignore:
STEPHEN COLBERT: THE BALLS REPORT
Colbert's Balls on Blogs
Stephen Colbert: Liberals Debate His Balls
Colbert's Balls Divide Democrats

I don't want to sway your judgement, but the people leaving comments on ThankYouStephenColbert.Org are the most embarrassing collection of losers and homos that I've seen since we were featured on FARK.COM. In fact, I rank them second only to the Farking Losers of FARK.COM in total time-wasting loserdom and homo-geneity. I have dubbed these Stephen Colbert-worshiping homos with their own, neat moniker. From this day forward, they will be known as CoMos.

Happinista Sara Nichols launches reign of silence

This war between America's beloved Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. and rebel Happinista leader and cofounder of the National Gross Happiness Team (GNH Team) Sara Nichols is completely out of control. It started with my innocent post to her blog snichols.blogspot.com in response to a positive post on Stephen Colbert in which she said Stephen was "spot-on."

I'm sorry, but there are certain terms that set me off, and "spot-on" is one of them. But I showed restraint, posting only a comment that included "Colbert is as funny as people who use the term "spot-on" are interesting. Or genuine."
Happinista Nichols unleashed an invective-filled vitriolic diatribe via email that accused me of being "unkind."

I was stunned and my happiness has taken a serious hit to the port and/or starboard. And now after sending her two emails, the most recent of which includes an apology, Happinista Susan Nichols has decided to unleash her happy hounds of heck upon me by not responding to me. The unhappy silence enshrouds the Richard Quick Estate like a cloud that lacks sound. A non-audiophonic fog has consumed the very soul of this once-happy palacial mansion.

And while the guests are arriving for the lavish debauchery I host each night, I feel so utterly alone... with only my wealth and twin supermodels to console me. Alas...

A history of the conflagration:
The Attack begins.
The Truth about the radical Happinistas emerges
Rebel Happinista Communique Leaked!

STEPHEN COLBERT: THE BALLS REPORT

SOME SAY STEEL BALLS.
SOME SAY BRASS.
ALL ARE KISSING
COLBERT'S ASS.
THEY WATCH AND WATCH
ON THEIR HIP MACS
WHEN E'ER THEIR BOSSES
TURN THEIR BACKS
IF ONE SPEECH GIVES
SUCH AN ERECTION
THEY'D BURST IF THEY WON
AN ELECTION

Stephen Colbert is the new darling of the moronic liberal blogging community, a distinction akin to being voted the best-looking waitress at Denny's. Perhaps the giddying effect of viewing Brokeback Mountain still lingers, because this highly original and creative community (as evidenced by their sheep-like conformity and their zombie-like parroting of catch-phrases) seems to be most obsessed with Stephen Colbert's balls. Here are a few posts on some of the more pathetic time-wasting loser sites.

From Arianna Huffington's pathetic The Huffington Post:
Shakespeare's sister: "Stephen Colbert has Balls as Big as Church Bells"
RQ responds: Don't you mean Sir Francis Bacon's sister?
Rangerk8: "... massive balls."
Mrravini: "This guy has balls."
mason: "...a man with integrity AND balls"
nateroberts: "...ballsy performance."
partypartyparty: "Mr. Big Balls Colbert"

RQ responds: Unobtainium. Isn't that what the Democrats use to build their political platforms?

On the esteemed liberal intellectual site drunkenmonkeymovies.com
"Stephen Colbert's balls weighed in at a massive 20 lbs. a piece.... Colbert could feasibly impregnate 23 different women with his massive balls"
RQ responds: Excellent insights. Creative extrapolation. You're a true visionary. Then again, with a name like drunkenmonkeymovies.com, you've gotta be good!

Posts on effeminate sfgate.com
sfgate: "Stephen Colbert Has Brass Cojones."
RQ responds: Cojones, translated, means a bunch of moron followers who think parroting catch phrases makes them funny right?
tothestarz: "Wow does that man have balls!!!!!!"
RQ responds: Easy, stars. Take your meds. Breath in. Breath out. Very good.

Hank Fox, man with dogs. (http://www.hankfox.com)
"He was ballsy as King Kong... Balls of steel... Colbert has balls the size of coconuts"
RQ Responds: Hank. Tell the truth. It was you who let the dogs out, wasn't it? Hank?!

http://blogs.citypages.com/ctg/2006/04/the_truthiness.asp
The Religious Left: "Mr. Colbert, thank God for your balls! If they weren't already huge and made of gold-plated brass, I'd suggest bronzing them."
RQ responds: He's too modest to plug himself, but if you need brass gold-plated or bronzed, or advice on which way to go with it, contact TRL. He's the best.
Tanvir: "Balls."
Susan F: "Balls of Steel"
Alex: "Balls out."
Will C. "He *really* does have balls."
Firefly: "Holding the mirror to expose Bush's naked butt... required balls of steel"
RQ responds:...and a real dedication to your work!

From the Pretentious Veganista Eco-Girl Site:
Truthgobbler Says: “Gargantuan brazen balls.”
RQ responds: One of my favorite dishes! But is that vegan?
Bonzai, The Evil Joker Says: “Greetings from Romania. It really took balls to pull the stunt you did!”
RQ responds: Thanks, Bonzai. Now finish your gruel and get back to your Romanian prison cell.


Other Sad Loser sites:
http://kudzumonamour.blogspot.com/: "what gigantic balls of steel stephen colbert must have"
Jointblog for Media Trend Watching: "Big Brassy Balls
http://scrutinyhooligans.blogspot.com: "big balls of steel..."
http://www.bitetv.ca: "Stephen Colbert's balls must be HUGE"
http://www.gogela.com: "Balls of Stainless Steel"
http://www.smarkschoice.com: "Balls out." (?)
http://journals.democraticunderground.com: (plain adder) "how ginormous Colbert's balls must be"
RQ responds: Ginormous! That's cute. Plain Adder. Does Mommy know you're on the computer?

From Shakespeare's Homely Sister blog http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com
Dawg: STEVE'S BRASS BALLS ARE BIGGER THAN ALLAH'S puny BALLS BY A GOOGOLPLEX!
RQ responds: EH?
puellasolis: this man has balls of fuckin' titanium.
Vast Left: Colbert also gives out a Brass Balls Award, and I hope I takes one for himself
RQ responds: Dream big, vast.

From coconuts to church bells, from serious to awesome to pure... the mindless debate rages within the liberalagentsia who seem unconcerned with the time they waste on their employers' dimes. Here are posts from the embarrassing Stephen Colbert tribute site thankyoustephencolbert.org:

Liberals debate the size of Stephen Colbert's balls:
Matthew Says: …You, my friend, have balls as big as church bells.
Chris James in Albuquerque Says: Steven, you have balls the size of coconuts…
Adam Peterton Says: balls the size of Washington
holly Says: Mmmmmm, mmmmmm, balls.. I like ‘em big.
Andrew Says: Colbert is a true American hero… With Huge Balls.
Adam Peterton Says: balls the size of Washington
Ben T Says: …balls as big as grapefruits…
Lucy B Says: Like cantaloupes, man. Giant, genetically altered, cantaloupes.
Matthew Schwartz Says: …the biggest balls on earth.
Alec Binyon Says: You have enormous, Texas sized brass balls.
MWW Says: The man has brass balls the size of texas.
Matthew Schwartz Says: …the biggest balls on earth.
Lyn Ramsay Says: the biggest balls in television.
Olmy Says: Amazing. Huge balls.
Nics Says: … balls the size of Texas.
D.J. Says: …cajones the size of canteloupes.
Rickie-Ann Says: balls bigger than Texas.

Stephen Colbert's balls compared:
Large Meaty Ballsack Says: Balls that rival my own.
Dan Says: you truly do have the most balls in the journalism business.
Won Garner Says: You are a hero, with the biggest balls on the planet.
RJ Says: …biggest balls of them all.
Meddling Kids Says: …bigger balls than anyone except Helen Thomas!
Bill Hicks Says: I have never seen balls of this magnitude!!!

Other attributes of Stephen Colbert's balls:
Niki Morris Says: …it must have taken some serious balls…
Joanne Says: Awesome balls
Jeff Tarbell Says: I salute your gigantic, red, white and blue balls.
JJ Says: the greatest example… pure balls i’ve ever seen…
Bob Saget Says: …mighty balls. Mighty, mighty balls.

Liberals debate the composition of the balls of Stephen Colbert
Brass: 21 Steel: 9 Titanium: 2 Granite: 1 Irony: 1 Unobtainium: 1
ik Says: Your tribute should be in Wikipedia under the definition of “Big Brass Balls”.
Elizabeth Conley Says: Thank you for your courage, your insight and your shiny brass balls.
Dain Says: … give yourself the brass balls award, because that took “mucho grudas.”
maurinsky Says: God bless you, Mr. Colbert, and God bless your Big Brass Balls.
S Nair Says: … Stephen “BrassBalls” Colbert…
Indra Says: … if you didn’t already have a pair of Stephen’s Big Brass Balls they would surely be awarded to you.
BOB HAVLAN Says: BALLS OF BRASS.
Kevin Brady Says: …Hopefully your big, brass balls will have some impact,…
Paul Weyland Says: We’re starting a movement to buy you an 800-pound pair of BRASS BALLS for your courage.
Matt Moore Says: When you say you’ve got brass balls, you hit the president over the head with them just to prove it.
razorboy666: "Stephen 'Big Brass Balls' Colbert!!!"
Peter Says: …huge, shiny, brass balls.
Vytas B Says: …massive, massive brass balls.
Ray Lehtiniemi Says: Brass balls indeed!
Magorn Says: giant brass balls
Ezra Klein "Brass balls, baby."
Kira Alexander Says: Those are some brass balls you have there.
honey bunny Says: you’ve got some big, brass balls, and… i have the highest respect for you. because i respect big, brass balls.
RQ responds: Why don't you come by Quick Mansion around 9 tonight, honey bunny? And pick up a can of Brasso on the way.

Other:
a mitten Says:... gigantic balls of steel!
Ed Says: You have balls of steel my man.
kenaan tabikh Says: my friends are saying you have “balls of steel”!
RQ responds: You've got friends now, Keenan? Good for you! MySpace IS a wonderful thing!
Kurt W Says: You truly have balls of steel!
anonymous Says: That took titanium balls.
FAT BASTARD Says: YOUR BALLS ARE GIANT ORBS OF TITANIUM!
Justin Linder Says: …You got some granite balls my man!
Javed Says: You have balls of truth.
amy Says: Huge balls of irony.
RQ responds: So THAT'S how he onomonopeias with such force!
schadenfrauline: "you have balls turned from pure Unobtainium, stronger than brass, rarer than Platinum... "


Logistical Challenges of Stephen's Big Balls
ColbertForPrez Says: ...balls so large they may actually tear a rift in the space-time continuum.
Gavortnik Says: You’ve got huevos, chutzpah, cojones, moxie, grit, sand and, most of all, hangin’ danglin’ balls the size of brass cannonballs. How you can walk without being preceded by native bearers holding ‘em up is a puzzle to me.
Otis Says: God, it must be hard walking around with those GIGANTIC balls… Big ups to you, Mr. Colbert. Keep ‘em swinging!

Hail to the Balls!
Jacques Lambert Says: … I applaud your balls, sir. I really do. I don’t generally applaud another man’s balls but in this case, it is called for.
Scott Faulkner Says: I salute your balls, sir!
NOTE: "Balls of Steel" image is used as a parody only. Balls of Steel name and logo are trademarks of The 3D Realms.

Colbert Balls on Blogs OR Are Liberals The Last To Know What Amazing Losers They Are?

Stephen Colbert is the new darling of the moronic liberal blogging community, a distinction that's kind of like being the best-looking waitress at Denny's. Perhaps the giddying effect of Brokeback Mountain still lingers, because this highly original and creative community (as evidenced by their sheep-like conformity and their zombie-like parroting of catch-phrases) seems to be most obsessed with Stephen Colbert's balls. Here are a few posts on some of the more pathetic time-wasting loser sites.

From Arianna Huffington's pathetic The Huffington Post:
Shakespeare's sister: "Stephen Colbert has Balls as Big as Church Bells"
RQ responds: Don't you mean Sir Francis Bacon's sister?
Ezra Klein "Brass balls, baby."
Rangerk8: "... massive balls."
razorboy666: "Stephen 'Big Brass Balls' Colbert!!!"
Mrravini: "This guy has balls."
mason: "...a man with integrity AND balls"
nateroberts: "...ballsy performance."
partypartyparty: "Mr. Big Balls Colbert"
schadenfrauline: "you have balls turned from pure Unobtainium, stronger than brass, rarer than Platinum... "
RQ responds: Unobtainium. Isn't that what the Democrats use to build their political platforms?

On the esteemed liberal intellectual site drunkenmonkeymovies.com
"Stephen Colbert's balls weighed in at a massive 20 lbs. a piece.... Colbert could feasibly impregnate 23 different women with his massive balls"
RQ responds: Excellent insights. Creative extrapolation. You're a true visionary. Then again, with a name like drunkenmonkeymovies.com, you've gotta be good!

Hank Fox, man with dogs. (http://www.hankfox.com)
"He was ballsy as King Kong... Balls of steel... Colbert has balls the size of coconuts"
RQ Responds: Hank. Tell the truth. It was you who let the dogs out, wasn't it? Hank?!

http://blogs.citypages.com/ctg/2006/04/the_truthiness.asp
The Religious Left: "Mr. Colbert, thank God for your balls! If they weren't already huge and made of gold-plated brass, I'd suggest bronzing them."
RQ responds: He's too modest to plug himself, but if you need brass gold-plated or bronzed, or advice on which way to go with it, contact TRL. He's the best.
Tanvir: "Balls."
Susan F: "Balls of Steel"
Alex: "Balls out."
Will C. "He *really* does have balls."
Firefly: "Holding the mirror to expose Bush's naked butt... required balls of steel"
RQ responds:...and a real dedication to your work!

From the Pretentious Veganista Eco-Girl Site:
Truthgobbler Says: “Gargantuan brazen balls.”
RQ responds: One of my favorite dishes! But is that vegan?
Bonzai, The Evil Joker Says: “Greetings from Romania. It really took balls to pull the stunt you did!”
RQ responds: Thanks, Bonzai. Now finish your gruel and get back to your Romanian prison cell.


Other Sad Loser sites:
http://kudzumonamour.blogspot.com/: "what gigantic balls of steel stephen colbert must have"
Jointblog for Media Trend Watching: "Big Brassy Balls
http://scrutinyhooligans.blogspot.com: "big balls of steel..."
http://www.bitetv.ca: "Stephen Colbert's balls must be HUGE"
http://www.gogela.com: "Balls of Stainless Steel"
http://www.smarkschoice.com: "Balls out." (?)
http://journals.democraticunderground.com: (plain adder) "how ginormous Colbert's balls must be"
RQ responds: Ginormous! That's cute. Plain Adder. Does Mommy know you're on the computer?


From coconuts to church bells, from serious to awesome to pure... the mindless debate rages within the liberalagentsia who seem unconcerned with the time they waste on their employers' dimes. Here are posts from the embarrassing Stephen Colbert tribute site thankyoustephencolbert.org:

Liberals debate the size of Stephen Colbert's balls:
Matthew Says: …You, my friend, have balls as big as church bells.
Chris James in Albuquerque Says: Steven, you have balls the size of coconuts…
Adam Peterton Says: balls the size of Washington
holly Says: Mmmmmm, mmmmmm, balls.. I like ‘em big.
Andrew Says: Colbert is a true American hero… With Huge Balls.
Adam Peterton Says: balls the size of Washington
Ben T Says: …balls as big as grapefruits…
Lucy B Says: Like cantaloupes, man. Giant, genetically altered, cantaloupes.
Matthew Schwartz Says: …the biggest balls on earth.
Alec Binyon Says: You have enormous, Texas sized brass balls.
ColbertForPrez Says: ...balls so large they may actually tear a rift in the space-time continuum.
Alec Binyon Says: You have enormous, Texas sized brass balls.
MWW Says: The man has brass balls the size of texas.
Matthew Schwartz Says: …the biggest balls on earth.

Stephen Colbert's balls compared:
Large Meaty Ballsack Says: Balls that rival my own.
Dan Says: you truly do have the most balls in the journalism business.
Won Garner Says: You are a hero, with the biggest balls on the planet.
RJ Says: …biggest balls of them all.
Meddling Kids Says: …bigger balls than anyone except Helen Thomas!
Bill Hicks Says: I have never seen balls of this magnitude!!!

Other attributes of Stephen Colbert's balls:
Niki Morris Says: …it must have taken some serious balls…
Joanne Says: Awesome balls
Jeff Tarbell Says: I salute your gigantic, red, white and blue balls.
JJ Says: the greatest example… pure balls i’ve ever seen…
Bob Saget Says: …mighty balls. Mighty, mighty balls.

Liberals debate the composition of the balls of Stephen Colbert
Brass: 21 Steel: 9 Titanium: 2 Granite: 1 Irony: 1 Unobtainium: 1
ik Says: Your tribute should be in Wikipedia under the definition of “Big Brass Balls”.
Elizabeth Conley Says: Thank you for your courage, your insight and your shiny brass balls.
Dain Says: … give yourself the brass balls award, because that took “mucho grudas.”
maurinsky Says: God bless you, Mr. Colbert, and God bless your Big Brass Balls.
S Nair Says: … Stephen “BrassBalls” Colbert…
Indra Says: … if you didn’t already have a pair of Stephen’s Big Brass Balls they would surely be awarded to you.
BOB HAVLAN Says: BALLS OF BRASS.
Kevin Brady Says: …Hopefully your big, brass balls will have some impact,…
Paul Weyland Says: We’re starting a movement to buy you an 800-pound pair of BRASS BALLS for your courage.
Matt Moore Says: When you say you’ve got brass balls, you hit the president over the head with them just to prove it.
Peter Says: …huge, shiny, brass balls.
Vytas B Says: …massive, massive brass balls.
Ray Lehtiniemi Says: Brass balls indeed!
Magorn Says: giant brass balls
Kira Alexander Says: Those are some brass balls you have there.
honey bunny Says: you’ve got some big, brass balls, and… i have the highest respect for you. because i respect big, brass balls.
RQ responds: Why don't you come by Quick Mansion around 9 tonight, honey bunny? And pick up a can of Brasso on the way.

Other:
a mitten Says:... gigantic balls of steel!
Ed Says: You have balls of steel my man.
kenaan tabikh Says: my friends are saying you have “balls of steel”!
RQ responds: You've got friends now, Keenan? Good for you! MySpace IS a wonderful thing!
Kurt W Says: You truly have balls of steel!
anonymous Says: That took titanium balls.
FAT BASTARD Says: YOUR BALLS ARE GIANT ORBS OF TITANIUM!
Justin Linder Says: …You got some granite balls my man!
amy Says: Huge balls of irony.
RQ responds: So THAT'S how he onomonopeias with such force!

NOTE: "Balls of Steel" image is used as a parody only. Balls of Steel name and logo are trademarks of The 3D Realms.

New Wendy's product: Thumbili

Since I'm a major stockholder of Wendy's, the board begged me to provide some new product ideas that can help pump up lagging sales. (Yep, SoQuid was mine) Go buy Wendy's stock now, my students, because my new Body Parts promotion, starting with Wendy's Thumbili, will be sending same store sales into the double digits. As brilliant as my SoQuid idea is, the Thumbili will be even better! Sign up for my newsletter and stay updated.

Note to arevolutionofone: Yes, HUMAN THUMB will appear twice in the ingredient list, for emphasis.

A plea to my loyal Richard Quick, Esq. VISIT A REVOLUTION OF ONE. It is important to study the enemy, to know what he's thinking (mmm... beer...) Plus, I'm trying to bribe the poor misguided liberal into keeping me at the top of his capitalist hit list... ahead of Gates...

Rebel Happinista Communique Leaked!

The following email exchange between rebel Happinista Leader Susan Nichols was somehow leaked to the press by a high ranking source in the CIA. the Bush Administration has announced a full investigation into the alleged leak.

Nichols: Who are you?
Quick: I am a self-made multi-millionaire devoted to teaching the unworthy how to gain power and wealth.

Nichols: Why would you feel it is okay to speak to me and my audience in such uncivil tones?
Quick:The question actually never occured to me.

Nichols: How do you know that I am not interesting or genuine?
Quick: 1) You are "a founding partner" of something called "the Gross National Happiness Team/GNH Team," 2) You describe yourself in the third person as "...one of the best minds of a generation," 3) You use cliches and phrases like "Must See T.V." "blogosphere" and "spot on," and 4) You are "a founding partner" of something called "the Gross National Happiness Team/GNH Team."

Nichols:Do you get your thrills by being randomly cruel?
Quick: No. That was not my intention. I sincerely apologize if I was random.

Nichols:I found your post to be very unkind.
Quick:That is because I am not a kind person. But you, your job is to be kind. Your job is to spread happiness. But you were not kind to me. You did not attempt to understand that the cause of my deep seated hatred of others and my quest for wealth and power is that, deep down, I am just a frightened little boy who was never hugged as a child. If you had only understood, and told me that it is ok, and that I, too, deserve gross happiness, you could have changed the course of my life and you could have netted millions in donations for your worthy causes, like peace sign stickers made by the malodorous casualties of that bad batch of Vermont LSD in 1971.

But you didn't. You should feel grossly unhappy when you think of all the good you could have done with those stickers.

[End of Transcription]

Facts emerge on the radical Happinistas of the Gross National Happiness Team

My supporters have been dismayed intimidating tactics of the radical fundamentalist Gross National Happiness Team. Anonymous sources have provided behind-the-scenes details of this powerful, shadow group. One of the heads of this organization, who goes by the name "Susan," a self proclaimed "best mind of a generation" not only lives in California, but participates in "cohousing" (can you say commune?) Strong evidence suggests that her "cohouse" husband has links to the Sierra Club.

From where do these "Happinistas" import their insidious brand of joymaking activities? None other than the rugged rebel camps between India and China, the dreaded area known as The Land of the Thunder Dragon (a Tang Dynasty euphemism for nuclear warhead, if memory serves): Bhutan. Who doesn't shiver in fear at the very mention of the Bhutan Death March?

Gross National Happiness Team/GNH Team claims its philosophy is based on "universal principles developed by the country of Bhutan." Isn't American happiness good enough for these people? I'm happy. Damn happy. I don't remember being asked about my philosophy.

As it turns out, I know all about Bhutan, as I was considering buying it a few years ago. Do you want to know why they're so happy there? Their population has a median age of 20 years old. Their life expectancy is 55 years old. Male literacy is 60%, female literacy is 34%. They have 1 TV station. They are a monarchy with no written constitution (they couldn't read it anyway) and are lorded over by, I'm not kidding, King WANGCHUNG. The American hip-hop slang term "Bhutie" as in "Shake your Bhutie" is based on a traditional Bhutanese mating dance featuring spirited gyrations of aboriginal gluteal regions. It was transmitted through a settlement of Pennsylvania Shakers in Bhutan, known as the Bhutie Shakers.

Here's the real reason the Happinista Democrats look to Bhutan for spiritual enlightenment. The Bhuties share the Liberal Democrats sense of fiscal responsibility. The Bhutanese "government" has a yearly revenue of $146 million and expenditures of $152 million. Hmmm.... A bunch of illiterate 20 year olds living irresponsibly beyond their means... sound familiar to anyone?

See you on the veranda! Richard Quick, Esq.

Richard Quick viciously attacked by founding partner of the Gross Happiness Team/GNH Team

Americans: your first amendment rights are under attack by a radical leftist group called the GNH (Gross National Happiness) TEAM. The time is now to act to protect free speech and the freedom to express your political views within the blogging community. Once they take your right to blog, they'll be coming for your guns next.

I made the mistake of entering a comment on a public blog (http://snicholsblog.blogspot.com) only to receive a vicious email from lawyer Susan Nichols of the "GNH Team" demanding to know my identity, accusing me of sadism and cruelty and calling me "unkind" without even getting to know me. All because I dared to express my view, as an American, that I didn't think Stephen Colbert's speech at the White House Press Corp. dinner was all that funny.

I ran across the site because I was trying to find a little happiness in this dark world. I thought perhaps the Gross Happiness Team might help. Sadly, I found the "gross" in this team, but the "happiness" was nowhere in sight.

See you all on the veranda!

Richard

Stephen Colbert: Liberals debate his balls

From coconuts to church bells, from serious to awesome to pure... the mindless debate rages within the liberalagentsia who seem unconcerned with the time they waste on their employers' dimes. Here are more disturbing messages from the Stephen Colbert tribute site thankyoustephencolbert.org:

Liberals debate the size of Stephen Colbert's balls:
Matthew Says: …You, my friend, have balls as big as church bells.
Chris James in Albuquerque Says: Steven, you have balls the size of coconuts…
Adam Peterton Says: balls the size of Washington
holly Says: Mmmmmm, mmmmmm, balls.. I like ‘em big.
Andrew Says: Colbert is a true American hero… With Huge Balls.
Adam Peterton Says: balls the size of Washington
Ben T Says: …balls as big as grapefruits…
Lucy B Says: Like cantaloupes, man. Giant, genetically altered, cantaloupes.
Matthew Schwartz Says: …the biggest balls on earth.
Alec Binyon Says: You have enormous, Texas sized brass balls.
ColbertForPrez Says: ...balls so large they may actually tear a rift in the space-time continuum.
Alec Binyon Says: You have enormous, Texas sized brass balls.
MWW Says: The man has brass balls the size of texas.
Matthew Schwartz Says: …the biggest balls on earth.

Stephen Colbert's balls compared:
Large Meaty Ballsack Says: Balls that rival my own.
Dan Says: you truly do have the most balls in the journalism business.
Won Garner Says: You are a hero, with the biggest balls on the planet.
RJ Says: …biggest balls of them all.
Meddling Kids Says: …bigger balls than anyone except Helen Thomas!
Bill Hicks Says: I have never seen balls of this magnitude!!!

Other attributes of Stephen Colbert's balls:
Niki Morris Says: …it must have taken some serious balls…
Joanne Says: Awesome balls
Jeff Tarbell Says: I salute your gigantic, red, white and blue balls.
JJ Says: the greatest example… pure balls i’ve ever seen…
Bob Saget Says: …mighty balls. Mighty, mighty balls.

Liberals debate the composition of the balls of Stephen Colbert
Brass: 16 Steel: 4 Titanium: 2 Granite: 1 Irony: 1
ik Says: Your tribute should be in Wikipedia under the definition of “Big Brass Balls”.
Elizabeth Conley Says: Thank you for your courage, your insight and your shiny brass balls.
Dain Says: … give yourself the brass balls award, because that took “mucho grudas.”
maurinsky Says: God bless you, Mr. Colbert, and God bless your Big Brass Balls.
S Nair Says: … Stephen “BrassBalls” Colbert…
Indra Says: … if you didn’t already have a pair of Stephen’s Big Brass Balls they would surely be awarded to you.
BOB HAVLAN Says: BALLS OF BRASS.
Kevin Brady Says: …Hopefully your big, brass balls will have some impact,…
Paul Weyland Says: We’re starting a movement to buy you an 800-pound pair of BRASS BALLS for your courage.
Matt Moore Says: When you say you’ve got brass balls, you hit the president over the head with them just to prove it.
Peter Says: …huge, shiny, brass balls.
Vytas B Says: …massive, massive brass balls.
Ray Lehtiniemi Says: Brass balls indeed!
Magorn Says: giant brass balls
honey bunny Says: you’ve got some big, brass balls, and… i have the highest respect for you. because i respect big, brass balls.
Kira Alexander Says: Those are some brass balls you have there.

Other:
a mitten Says:... gigantic balls of steel!
Ed Says: You have balls of steel my man.
kenaan tabikh Says: my friends are saying you have “balls of steel”!
Kurt W Says: You truly have balls of steel!
anonymous Says: That took titanium balls.
FAT BASTARD Says: YOUR BALLS ARE GIANT ORBS OF TITANIUM!
Justin Linder Says: …You got some granite balls my man!
amy Says: Huge balls of irony.

YOUR OPINION MATTERS. ADD A COMMENT ON STEPHEN COLBERT'S BALLS!

Colbert’s Balls Divides Democrats

A battle has erupted on the liberal tribute website thankyoustephencolbert.org, and the divisive issue is Stephen Colbert's balls. Or, more specifically, the composition of Stephen Colbert's balls. While there is a general consensus that Stephen Colbert has balls, and that they are large, factions have formed and battle lines have been drawn between the Brass Ballers, Balls of Steel, as well as small but volatile Titanium and Granite Balls groups.

There is a consensus: Colbert has balls [Actual Posts]:
Kelly I Says: Dude… “what balls!”
Liz Kaune Says: You’ve got balls…
Matthew Miller Says: You’ve got balls!
MadAsHellNewYorker Says: Thanks for having the balls…
Dougymi Says: You’ve got BALLS
ivan Says: …What balls!
Jan Hill Says: What balls!!!!
Carmen Wolff Says: You’ve got balls.
Tom Says: Brilliant. Ballsy.
BJC Says: Thank you for having the BALLS…
Nancy Stock Says: …It is about time someone had the B@ll$
JP Says: Balls to the Wall.


Brass Ballers dominate the debate:
ik Says: Your tribute should be in Wikipedia under the definition of “Big Brass Balls”.
Elizabeth Conley Says: Thank you for your courage, your insight and your shiny brass balls.
Dain Says: … give yourself the brass balls award, because that took “mucho grudas.”
maurinsky Says: God bless you, Mr. Colbert, and God bless your Big Brass Balls.
S Nair Says: … Stephen “BrassBalls” Colbert…
Indra Says: … if you didn’t already have a pair of Stephen’s Big Brass Balls they would surely be awarded to you.
BOB HAVLAN Says: BALLS OF BRASS.
Kevin Brady Says: …Hopefully your big, brass balls will have some impact,…
Paul Weyland Says: We’re starting a movement to buy you an 800-pound pair of BRASS BALLS for your courage.
Matt Moore Says: When you say you’ve got brass balls, you hit the president over the head with them just to prove it.

Other Metals refuse to be silenced:
a mitten Says: Long live Stephen Colbert and his gigantic balls of steel!
Ed Says: You have balls of steel my man.
kenaan tabikh Says: my friends are saying you have “balls of steel”!
anonymous Says: That took titanium balls. God bless you. You are the truest patriot.
Justin Linder Says: …You got some granite balls my man!

See all inane tributes at thankyoustephencolbert.org.

BE HEARD. LEAVE A COMMENT. WIN A COOKIE. MAYBE.

A TRIBUTE TO STEPHEN COLBERT'S BALLS

If you want to know the real problem with modern liberals, why they are chronically powerless and ineffectual and will remain so for the foreseeable future, look no further than Richard Quick’s latest addition to his TimeWasting Loser Sites: ThankYouStephenColbert.org.

ThankYouStephenColbert.org is a new liberal circle jerk, a tribute site in which Stephen Colbert’s mindless followers liken this 15-minute-of-limited-famer to Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi and Mark Twain. I see the similarities, as this trio are as dead as Colbert’s lameass jokes.

I keep a couple of illegal aliens on computers at all times. They monitor which sites our employees are wasting time on, and log statistics on their time-wasting patterns before we toss them out in the street with no severance, as examples. Juan and Patel report that of the 60,000 thank-you messages on the Colbert tribute site, more than 2000 of them reference Colbert’s balls.

Furthermore, Juan & Patel estimated that the average poster wasted .5 hours on the site, between reviewing and posting time. So counting only those who posted on the site, 29,000 man-hours have been wasted so far. That equates to 725 40-hour work weeks, or the equivalent of a staff of 13 full-time professionals working an entire year without vacation.

Can anyone venture a guess as to the problem with the liberals, and why my friends on the Hill and I laugh about them over cigars and brandy?

See you on the veranda!

Richard Quick, Esq.


[Funny note: 14 of these proud Colbert-worshippers were put out on the street Friday,with nothing more than a Happy Mother’s Day and a kick in the ass, as they were caught on this site during work hours. Thanks Juan and Patel: Keep up the great work!]

LEAVE A COMMENT. WIN A COOKIE.

Results are in: Colbert Not Funny

(right: Stephen Colbert looks sad at the White House Press Corp. dinner, perhaps realizing his 15 minutes is up.)

The chads have been cast, the results have been counted and counted again, and it has been determined that:

Stephen Colbert is not funny.

A national poll conducted by Quick Research Group determined conclusively that not only is Stephen Colbert unfunny, he is pathetically unfunny. Embarrassingly unfunny. Painfully unfunny. If I were capable of such an emotion, I would feel sorry for him every time he flashes that beaming little self-congratulatory grin across his freshly scrubbed look-at-me-aren't-I-the-clever-one? face. Instead, I just want to slap it. He is the kid you beat up on the playground or, in my case, the kid I payed someone to beat up. He's just as smug as ever, and just as unaware how little he matters and how few care.

His speech at the White House Press Corp. dinner was a disgrace and a disaster. I'm sure whomever booked him is being tortured in a secret prison at this moment - and rightly so. His overwrought little video was as bad as the worst Saturday Night Live skit during its most unfunny years. Plus, the whole premise of an audition tape showing a negative scenario made as little sense as his nightly ramblings on his "Colbert Report" (It's pronounced Coal-bear Ra-pport. Isn't that funny?) Pathetic when someone has to adopt a fake persona in a lame attempt at humor.