Saturday, March 18, 2006

QUICK'S PICKS: Richard Quick's Best Companies to Invest In

One of the keys to getting rich quick, and staying rich, is associating with WINNERS. Vote any way you want, protest 'yil your heart's bleeding non-stop, but at the end of the day, trust your money to the take-no-prisoners sonofabitches who are going to maximize their shareholder's investments... at all costs. Here are some of my favorite companies to invest in now, and in the glorious future.

HALLIBURTON - My fave! Every time the sissy liberals flap their wrists is protest, screaming about no-bid contracts and billions in sleazy wartime profiteering, all I can hear is cha-CHING! cha-CHING! chaCHING!

NIKE - They are a beacon of human resource management, cost-containment and employee motivation. They use sports-metaphors and imagery to motivate a workforce that refuses to accept more than 14 - 18 cents per day. They just do it! and then Do it again!

WAL-MART - I love WAL-MART. I make my driver pull my Rolls Royce into their parking lot every couple of weeks so I can have a laugh. Here, WAL-MART is shipping all their jobs overseas, but these morons keep coming, and keep buying, because WAL-MART lets them park their RVs in their lot overnight. And they've got the best prices on Dale Earnhardt Jr. beer coolers, Budweiser deer hunting caps, fried lard and size 42 underwear.

CLEAR CHANNEL BROADCASTING - Everybody hates a monopoly... at least everybody too stupid to invest in it! Stop fighting and join them. Resistance is futile! And unprofitable.

NORTHROP GRUMMAN - War's a tragic thing, loss of live, innocent victims, and all that. But hey, we didn't start it. And now that we're in it, there's nothing wrong with making some money off it, is there?

MONSANTO - Hey, they're not just about DDT & Agent Orange/Purple anymore. They're not just about tasty GMOs. In fact, there's a little bit of Monsanto in everyone, you and me included!

EXXONMOBIL - Even treehuggers and lesbotarians can't deny this great company's contribution to conservation and humankind. They provide energy for a developing world. They operate responsibly wherever they do business. They use well-established environmental management systems to ensure conserving biodiversity is integral to our operations. In doing so, they will Protect Tomorrow. Today.

1 comment:

Captain Berk said...

Come and work for the Federation.

You don't get paid at all and you are expected to work 26 hour days!

Of course there are ways around that..