My therapist told me that my recent anger at the attacks upon me, my integrity, my choice of blog software, my validity as a real person and the size of my member is uncharacteristic, unbecoming and borderline obsessive. "You never get mad, Richard," she said, working the stiffness in my neck. "You get even." And she's right. The Ugliest Farking Farker Contest was immature, mean-spirited and dull. (Besides, Bobby T had an unfair advantage). I hereby cancel the Farking Ugliest Farker Contest and dedicate myself to buying Fark.Com, and using its member records to track down any of my employees that visited during work hours and firing them on the spot. They'll not only get no severance, I'll bill them back time-and-a-half for any time they squandered on Fark.com. I'll impound their Ford Escorts 'til they pay in full, too. Then we'll outsource their jobs to India or Haiti to workers who don't Fark when they're paid to work.
Call for submissions: Richard Quick's Top Unworthy Charity Contributions for 2006. With tax season upon us, I am actively searching for tax write-offs that will keep me from ever, ever paying a cent of my millions to the IRS. I am therefore accepting submissions for Richard Quick's Top Unworthy Charity Contributions for 2006. Email information links, logos to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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