Monday, March 05, 2007

Vegan Protein Deficiency Affects Naming Ability

After receiving the first two ravingly inane responses to my celebratory posts on the success of Smithfield pork production, I called a prominent neurologist who is actually on retainer with Smithfield. I forwarded him links to the two comments, one by someone name Rayon (who has a blog named Inside the Protein-Deficient Mind of a Veganista or something. See his post Hog Butchers RULE) and another by someone named Citizen P (who has a blog named Spreading Misinformation, Exposing Myself or something. My question to him was: does lack of meat in one's diet cause impaired mental function, or even brain damage.

The reason for my question was that I discerned particular patterns of mental deficiency amongst the meat-deprived. For one thing, they seem to have an inability to name things.

The doctor confirmed my theory. He told me that at one time, their kind were known as "vegetarian." It was a clear, meaningful name established by a carnivorous scientist, though some said it had its roots in a Native American term meaning "One who is unable to hunt effectively." However, the vegetarians insisted on creating their own word for themselves, one from a Star Trek episode, one that no one would be sure how to pronounce: Vegan. Or Vee-gan. In fact, according to the learned man, the Vegans themselves often forget how to pronounce it so they have decided to alternate days: Sunday, Tues., Thurs., Sat. it's Vee-gan, and so on. None of them can actually remember whether they are able to eat eggs, cheese, or French Fries, so they simply ramble when asked, which is rare.

According to this respected neurologist, the hemisphere of the brain that controls naming (as well as other functions, such as reasoning, logic, employment & hygiene) are diminished in size among Vegans, a result of a diet deficiency in protein, especially that of pork, ham & bacon. (This explains why similar symptoms are found among the Jews).

The doctor pointed out that the symptoms evident in both commenters were clearly late-stage, as evidenced by their own online names. The one named himself "Rayon." As the doctor pointed out, would a rational person name themselves after a manufactured regenerated cellulosic fiber, even if produced from naturally occurring polymers? The other named himself "Citizen P.," a self-deprecating euphemism equal to "Mr. Urine." As the Doctor pointed out, "Citizen P." may have additional complications stemming from his practice of selling his own plasma for money. "This could be aggravating his already impaired lack of reasoning function," said the doctor. "Vegans, or Vee-gans - are notoriously employment-averse. It's part of their unique epidemiology."

However, there is hope. Close friends should keep a package of Smithfield Smoked Sausage or other fine Smithfield meat products on hand. As soon as the Vegan becomes disoriented, feed them a link or two. They will thank you for it later.



Raylon said...

I wonder what your doctor would say about someone who obviously cannot read? Is there any diseases he would "link" with excess sausage consumption and the inability to read the letter "L" in a name? And may I inquire, due to the lack of an actual mother raising you, did your nanny make you name yourself? Because with most humans the mother names their children. But then some of us use our real names.

So once again we find the redundant nature of your blog posts, which have been triplicated even as I write this comment. You really should spend more time checking on your investments and less time trying to be the blogosphere's Stephen Colbert.

Raylon (that's still with an "L")

Scott Hughes said...

Veganism aisn't the same thing as vegetarianism.
Vegans don't eat any animal products. Vegetarians do eat animal products, such as milk and eggs.

Additionally, the word 'vegan' is easy to pronounce. It's just like the word 'began' except with a 'v' instead of a 'b'.

Richard Quick, Millionaire said...

While my doctor is not a grammarian, he did say that lack of meat consumption could account for a 30-year-old professional's inability to grasp basic subject-verb agreement. I'm sure you meant "ARE there any diseases...?" and "...the mother names HER children..."

Hmmm... is eating crow a violation of your Vegan Code?

Richard Quick, Millionaire said...


Thanks for trying to clear it up, but you've have just added a third pronunciation. Vee-GAN, Vee-gan, Vay-gun.

I'm sure even the weirdo non-meat eaters I've met don't even know the "rhymes with began" pronunciation.

The problem with Vegans is that they are pretentious, smug and elitist. They don't want others to know how to pronounce it. It's part of their elitist attitudes. They can pretend they know something we carnivores don't. I'd rather know the taste of a thick rare steak or a juicy burger, thank you.

Vegans and Petans alike can't even see how they're being used by the Zionist Anti-pork Propaganda machine that pulls the strings of their supposed movement.