BUY A VEGAN A BURGER DAY!

After my conversation with the Smithfield staff neurologist who educated me as to the mental impairment that Vegans are operating under, it occurred to me that Vegans are more to be pitied than to be despised (though the two are not mutually exclusive), and, as my Millionaire Mindset students know, Pity is the soil in the flowerpot of exploitation! Where there is compassion, there is opportunity.

So, the idea hit me that perhaps the first order of business for my newly formed Compassionate Carnivores Club could be to secure funding for a national initiative called "Buy a Vegan a Burger Day"! Your a ten-dollar donation will secure a large, mouthwatering burger for a protein-deprived vegan, plus a side of onion rings deep-fried in animal fat, washed down with a soda in a paper-cup coated in wax rendered from animal by-products. If we get the meals donated by fast-food chains, greasy spoons or meal kitchens, QuickCo will split the $10.00 donations with its Millionaire Mindset independent sales reps, 60/40.

What do you say, students? Are you ready to make some BIG dollars while saving the fuzzy-thinking Vegans from themselves?

Vegan Protein Deficiency Affects Naming Ability

After receiving the first two ravingly inane responses to my celebratory posts on the success of Smithfield pork production, I called a prominent neurologist who is actually on retainer with Smithfield. I forwarded him links to the two comments, one by someone name Rayon (who has a blog named Inside the Protein-Deficient Mind of a Veganista or something. See his post Hog Butchers RULE) and another by someone named Citizen P (who has a blog named Spreading Misinformation, Exposing Myself or something. My question to him was: does lack of meat in one's diet cause impaired mental function, or even brain damage.

The reason for my question was that I discerned particular patterns of mental deficiency amongst the meat-deprived. For one thing, they seem to have an inability to name things.

The doctor confirmed my theory. He told me that at one time, their kind were known as "vegetarian." It was a clear, meaningful name established by a carnivorous scientist, though some said it had its roots in a Native American term meaning "One who is unable to hunt effectively." However, the vegetarians insisted on creating their own word for themselves, one from a Star Trek episode, one that no one would be sure how to pronounce: Vegan. Or Vee-gan. In fact, according to the learned man, the Vegans themselves often forget how to pronounce it so they have decided to alternate days: Sunday, Tues., Thurs., Sat. it's Vee-gan, and so on. None of them can actually remember whether they are able to eat eggs, cheese, or French Fries, so they simply ramble when asked, which is rare.

According to this respected neurologist, the hemisphere of the brain that controls naming (as well as other functions, such as reasoning, logic, employment & hygiene) are diminished in size among Vegans, a result of a diet deficiency in protein, especially that of pork, ham & bacon. (This explains why similar symptoms are found among the Jews).

The doctor pointed out that the symptoms evident in both commenters were clearly late-stage, as evidenced by their own online names. The one named himself "Rayon." As the doctor pointed out, would a rational person name themselves after a manufactured regenerated cellulosic fiber, even if produced from naturally occurring polymers? The other named himself "Citizen P.," a self-deprecating euphemism equal to "Mr. Urine." As the Doctor pointed out, "Citizen P." may have additional complications stemming from his practice of selling his own plasma for money. "This could be aggravating his already impaired lack of reasoning function," said the doctor. "Vegans, or Vee-gans - are notoriously employment-averse. It's part of their unique epidemiology."

However, there is hope. Close friends should keep a package of Smithfield Smoked Sausage or other fine Smithfield meat products on hand. As soon as the Vegan becomes disoriented, feed them a link or two. They will thank you for it later.

HAVE YOU EVER SAVED A VEGAN? HOW'D YOU DO IT? TELL US ABOUT IT! LEAVE A COMMENT.